I'm sorry that you're struggling with this but I'll offer a bit of advice.

1. Disrupt your day to day

2. Sunlight has been shown to help with depression.

3. While nihilism may have been the root cause the depression is the problem.

4. In medicine we treat the symptoms not the actual disease/condition/disorder. (I know you said you don't want medication). Just trying to emphasize the point that you need to treat the depression and not the cause.

5. Understand that everything is purely a construct of your understanding. I.e. why is the color red, the color red? The color red by our definition and understanding is generally accepted by the perception of the populace.

I hope this helps and you can feel free to message me if you would like.

A lot of people think you have to stop being a nihalist, which is silly to expect somebody to change that so easily since you have probably put a lot of thought into it already.

As for me, I have an optimistic view of it where it means I'm free to create my own purpose in life, I think about the kind of person I want to be and strive for that. Maybe get a hobby, do what makes you happy and have goals to work towards, which works as a nice replacement for some silly omnipresent purpose to all life, which fails at the end because it's not personally what you want.

I know it can be hard, heck I was becoming apathetic for a while, but now I'm at terms with it. I hope you will to, and maybe it will help to know somebody who understands.

I'm sorry you feel bad. I get pretty depressed sometimes. I spent last month wanting to die. I understand at least a bit. I've been medicated for years now and I wouldn't have it any other way. I also smoke weed and take acid and mushrooms whenever I can.