Yesterday, I was at a popular shopping warehouse buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Bubba, the Wonder Dog. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So, because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, you load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is organic, nutritionally complete and it is healthy. So, I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story). Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me? I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.