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You and Mom

How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
What impact has she had on your character?

AMGT 8 Apr 19
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15

My mother is a deeply codependent bipolar basketcase with no boundaries, empathy, theory of mind, ability to emotionally self-regulate, ability to interpret social cues, or memory. I suspect frontotemporal degeneration, behavior variant. She's no longer the woman who raised me.

She insists on maintaining a relationship with me--and goes into hysterics if she thinks it's threatened--but makes no effort to meet my relationship needs, and acts resentful of me for having boundaries in the first place and refusing to protect her feelings by insulating her from her transgressions. It's like dealing with a spoiled, spiteful child.

She squawks incessantly about how much she loves me and wants to have contact with me--yet when I open up to her and share my authentic self, she resents and shames me for who and how I am. She's got some kind of pictures in mind as to what I should be and what our relationship should be--and if I violate those expectations she goes berzerk.

I'm an emotional hostage to someone incapable of meeting my relational needs.

I'm a Bipolar mom and I pray my son never feels this way about me. I'm so sorry.

Oh yes, the people that our parents would have us be...as if they didn't/ don't have their own lives to live. Oh gosh!

@AMGT her mind is gone. She's been on a long, slow slide into a kind of dementia for the past 15 years. We're in therapy and things have gotten a bit better but she still doesn't have a real grip on the fact that "we" are "having problems" because of her behavior. She keeps waiting for me to give an inch--and I can't, because we're up against my boundaries. She grew up in a deeply dysfunctional alcoholic family in which you protect the transgressor by never calling out their abusive/inappropriate behaviors, adults can do no wrong, children have no agency, no one is allowed to set boundaries, etc.--so everything I do to advocate for my needs and rights in relationship freaks her out and puts her on the defensive. It's a big shit stew of multiple factors, exacerbated by the fact that her emotions are totally out of control most of the time, she's ruled by fear of "losing me", she can't remember shit, so everything we talk over and process successfully goes out the window, and she won't accept any responsibility for her actions or entertain the notion that there's anything she can do to improve. I've done everything I can: therapy, accepting, letting go, compromise, understanding, etc... and I'm still riding on the edge of my last nerve with her, because she acts like she shouldn't have to change anything. She's not rational in the slightest, so explaining my perspective only stimulates crises.

@MamaMOB It's not about being bipolar. That's a very small part of the calculus. It's a whole shitstorm of contributing factors--the cherry on top of which is that she consistently refuses to admit responsibility for inappropriate behaviors and shames and resents me for standing up for my boundaries and what is mentally/emotionally/relationally healthy. She can't face the fact that many of the ground paradigms that were programmed into her from a dysfunctional family of origin are unhealthy and flat out wrong and need rescripting--so instead she turns it in to resentment against me for not playing her game. I didn't learn her ways, so I won't sacrifice my personal integrity for anyone.

@evestrat TYVM. I am basically just holding on because I don't want to deal with the shame from the rest of the family--who shares her codependent, emotionally-incestuous, alcoholic family of origin dysfunctional programming--if I "cut her off". I'm already the bad guy for "putting her through this." No one in my family has the faintest appreciation of truly mentally/emotionally/relationally healthy principles/dynamics; they're all wrapped up in varying intractable layers of delusion originating from unhealthy coping mechanisms, socialized generational paradigms, etc. I'm so over it.

Sounds a lot like my mother except she has completely disowned me, which is a blessing. lol

12

I have a love-hate relationship with my mom. I know she loves me, but she has a tricky way of showing it - she can be very judgemental and critical and has a hard time relinquishing control. I grew up always second-guessing myself and never trusting my feelings, something that took me a very long time to understand.

10

My mother was a brilliant and wonderful woman. She had a profound influence on my development as a person.

10

I had two chances at relationships with mothers -my birth mother and the Narcissist that adopted me- and neither one was worth a hoot.

-The 'egg donor' mother gave me up for adoption. I tracked her down and contacted her 40yrs after my birth in an attempt to see if she would still reject me. She didn't disappoint. Surprise, surprise...I found out I had a full brother, full sister and a half sister with the full sister being the only one I was able to cobble a relationship together with. The donor curiously gave me up, reunited with the birth father four and six years later for children, but raised them. Well, she raised them as well as she had the capability to that is. I never met her.

-The Narcissist made my life a living hell...from age 15 to five hours before she died. My only purpose in life was to perform for her. When my mood disorder shot off into orbit in my mid-teens, I had no redeeming value in her estimation except for functioning as someone to berate and belittle. The same day she passed, before the hospice folks heroically stuck those fentanyl lollypops in her rattle-trap this 93yr old spent her final hours letting me how I deserved nothing because I tore my play trains up when I was 5yrs old. Yeah...nice gal.

As bad I had it having to dodge hurled household items and daily mental thrashings through the years, my sibs had it a little worse with one missing parent and one that could have given a shit less if they lived or died. I was a winner in that regard. My lifelong friends that witnessed the monumental dysfunction surrounding the Narcissist asked me if I would cry at her funeral. I thought for a minute and replied that I would never cry for her loss, but for what the relationship could never be.

Gosh, I'm wondering if you found other female role models that you could have a better relationship with? I had a great aunt that was.. great. Were there any decent women around for you growing up?

@AMGT @girlwithsmiles - No trust issues as I (thankfully) didn't go there. Even in my teens It made no sense for me to cast a wide net over the entire female population because of the actions of two. My simpleton brother though grew up with only one of these selfish women, and still decided that all the problems of this Universe occurred because of their gender.

Women friends of my adopted mother saw what was going on, stepped up and nurtured me...probably more than they should have...as it did cause a rift between them and my mom, but I'm forever thankful for their guts. Perhaps their bravery, generosity and love helped me differentiate between the two women who were rejecting me...and the rest of their gender. Two of the insightful 'other-mothers' allowed me to move into their homes (which made the weekly bridge games at my mom's really-really awkward) to escape the wrath of someone clearly not thinking of anyone but herself.

But all is well that ends well! I'm in a fantastic place right now...better than ever as I've successfully filed the 'Mother' issues away in their correct mental cabinet. I've been relentless in my recovery after a bipolar diagnosis 8yrs ago. I'm well therapied with the correct med combo for my physiology, a knowledgable and flexible psychiatrist and a fantastic therapist that helps me make sense of it all.

I'm really excited about how I'm entering into the end-run as I'm set financially...I'm healthy...and I'm making good decisions. There is a new Shelby mustang sitting in the garage that is the horse I'll use to ride around the US starting in May. I'm past happy finally, and have entered into contentment. Now would be a great time to discover that close love relationship!

9

My mother is deceased now, but she didn't have good relationships with anyone that I'm aware of. She was an overbearing person with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. She was controlling and manipulative and gradually abandoned caring for her family. I got along with her better when I reached adulthood, but only because I could walk away from her and not fall victim to her petty games anymore, so she had to deal with me on a more mature level if she wanted me to engage with her at all. Now that I've sufficiently torn her down, here's something good I can say about her: she took education seriously and made sure my sister and I did our homework every evening, and she made sure we we're corrected if we used improper grammar or mispronounced a word, etc., which I think has helped me in successfully communicating in academics and beyond.

8

My Mom was a good woman. She did her absolute best with the shit hand life dealt her. I learned a lot about ingenuity and the power of optimism from her.

@AMGT yes. Yes it can

8

My mother was an alcoholic bitch. She died when I was 20 and I'm really glad. Although I do kind of wish she had survived long enough for me to become pregnant because then maybe she would have gotten help and might not have been an alcoholic bitch anymore. But we'll never know.

Sorry you had that.

AMGT so am I. She could have been an amazing woman. So I try to view her as a what not to do and I don't drink at all anymore. One to many times acting like her.

8

This is a complicated topic. At this exact moment, though? I love my mom more than I can say. And I'm really lucky in that I like her, too. I was her "problem child," but if that hadn't been the case, I truly believe we wouldn't be as close as we are now.

As to her impact on my character? She taught me strength, persistence, and gave me my work ethic. I love her too much to share the negative stuff.

8

Holy crap. This is way too long of a story to type out...

My dad is a grade A piece of shit so my mother was a single parent... she had anger issues (her mom beat her as a kid) and lack of patience so I got hit a lot as a kid and I would push her buttons... there was a few times that she hurt me so bad, physically and emotionally that I will never forget... they are now emotional scars... regardless... We have both been through a lot and ironically my mother went to college and got her masters degree in spiritual psychology and graduated Cum Laude (she learned so much about herself and taught me so much along the way)... At about the age of 13 I started standing up to her and for my brother and eventually she stopped... it took many years to heal our relationship and I enjoy our relationship much more now that we are both older, more calm and don't live with each other. I visit my mother once a week and she is my best friend. I know there is a gap of information there but I really don't want to type it all out lol. She is the reason who I am though and we do look alike... I love her dearly and I know one day I will have to live without her and I don't want to think of that day... I am scared to face the reality of that day...

8

It’s long and complicated. She was there for me when no one else was. She showed me the way in education. As a single mother, she took care of us all while my father steeped himself in alcohol. She worked herself to the bone for us without asking for one thing in return.
She and I were very close. My brothers relationship with her was frought with antipathy.

7

I have a wonderful mother.

I'm glad for you. And kinda jealous.

7

Our relationship has always been difficult as she failed to protect me from emotional and physical harm as a child. But she has attempted to support me financially at various times, which has been a big help. I don't think she'll ever understand me properly, but she doesn't have the power to leave me in harm's way anymore either, so that's ok. Plus the whole God thing is a pain, especially given the love of mamon, food and alcohol that occurs in the parental home, but hey let he who is without sin cast the first stone and all that!
On my character, she's made me not want to be walked over, I've learnt that I have to look after myself and can't count on other people, (although I do have a few good friends that broke the mould). I always try to stand up for others who are getting unfairly treated, for better or for worse, so the typical generation gap turnaround thing.

I relate to your answer greatly

7

She was my best friend.

7

I had a wonderful mother but she was an alcholic, my parents divorece and I want to live with my dad when I was 9 so that should tell you a lot. I have 3 older sisters, the two oldest stayed with her and I was the youngest. So every visit she was reminded that her baby was not with her and that would drive her to drink so needless to say it was a complicated relationship.
When she got older she got sober and found god, or at least god became a lot more importaint, and I have always been an atheist, so there's that. But we were close because I was the baby and the only boy and tech support and mr. fix it when ever I visited, which was not teribly often since I almost always lived far away.
She was a heavy smoker so not in the best of health. She developed emphsema and slowly died over a period of 5 years, she was a shell when she finally gave up. I resented the fact that she gave up living, especially since I had finally become a father and my daughter was only one so she really didn't get to know her.
But I attribute most of my good characteristics to her and fortunately I didn't take up either of her vices, but I think my slight hording problem comes from her. Throwing things away is hard.

7

I had a great relationship with both my parents. They were not micromanagers. All my glorious shortcomings are due to my own creativity! 🙂

skado Level 9 Apr 20, 2018
6

My mother is dead, plus she did not speak English. She was tiny, strong, passionate and quick with the woden spoon. I had a fiery relationship with her, but she had my back when I screwed up. She was a French trained cook and could cook a wonderful meal with bones and greens from the woods. Some years ago, I saw Julia Child cooking with sorrel on TV, and I realized that mama woud send us outside to look for sorrel in the pasture. She was the one who started my love for language and learning, telling us German fairy teales every night before sleep. And when I was five and could read, she bought me a childrens' book once a month and brought the newspaper into the house.

6

My mother is toxic. She grew up in a fucked up household and has had EXTREME control issues and therefore almost no boundaries for pretty much her entire life. Because of this I have an amazingly visceral negative reaction to controlling women. Not nearly as bad as I used to be. She was also raped by her brother when she was a teenager so like many victims of sexual abuse she has an overdeveloped sense of betrayal. This caused her to drive away every friend she's ever had. To avoid dealing with her own shit she obsesses about other's issues. She was a guidance school counselor. Fucked up right? Because of all this I shut down emotionally around her; she can't be trusted with hardly any personal information. She also spends money like a drunken sailor. Because she obsesses about other's issues she forced me to address my emotional development which in a twisted way put me on the path to work on my own emotional health.

6

Terrible. She was a narcissist and left lasting scars on my psyche.

I hear you. Currently in the process of cutting my narcissistic mother out of my life. A counselor recently said to me, "Your mother really did a number on you!" It was oddly comforting, it gave me the validation I crave because I didn't get that as a kid. Good luck to you, and I hope you're able to find peace ☺

@Kat In my situation, when I learned the tools then stamped 'Toxic' on my mom's forehead and stayed away from her...my life improved immensely! You can get there from here. Good Luck!

6

My mother is a strong woman..Raising two kids on her own was certainly a pain in the ass and I know I wasn't always easy to manage...However there's a reason I moved out when I was 15.

6

Strained, many could say she is an awesome mother to 2 of her 4 children.
Made me look more closely at pepole, see through the fascade and find their true motivation.

@AMGT Part I don't mind, I have a severely intellectually and physically disabled younger sister, we all care for her immensely. I have no problem with that. But she has given everything to my druggie brother, and expects my youngest brother to look after the druggie as well as do all the running around for mum. Previously it was me, but 14 years ago I refused to move back interstate and look after Druggles, so I have been totally disowned. Apart from having no intention of going back, I was also a single father with 2 kids finishing high school. Mum doesn't deny it at all, just makes cruel remarks. So I help the youngest brother when I can, and still go and visit my sister and ring her a few times a week. What gets up my nose the most is that my sister may be missing out as my mother didn't make any allowance for her even. Just assuming that the Gov and the youngest brother and I would take care of everything.

@AMGT ps, thanks for your kind concern.

Gosh, sorry to hear about your Mum's blinkers, glad you didn't just conform to what she wanted though. It's difficult to live your own life when family are trying to control you isn't it?

6

Complicated

5

Well, my last word to my mom was "Get the fuck out of here"..... Wait, wait ( don't jump to conclusions just yet). I was on a business trip in the area so I went to see her. We had a great time. Sunday night on my way out (Had to drive out of town to catch a flight next day) I was saying goodbye when she said "Give me a hug" and that's when I said "Get the fuck out of here"... I have always been the rebel, all my siblings are too religious and respectful so my mom LOVED my irreverent ways. It was an inside joke between us. Little did I know, those were my last words to her.. she had a heart attack two days later.... Its been 14 years and still believe she passed happy because we got to see each other one last time

5

Mom is a wonderful loving woman. My siblings and I had a good childhood and knew we were loved. Mom would always be on our side but did not shy away from teaching us if we needed it. However teaching was always done in a soft way, sometimes too soft. If she has a flaw that would be it. She avoids difficult decisions and choices, always taking the path of least difficulty for self. Now that I am older and no longer Christian ( she is Christian) I see how immature she can be at times. That is what it seems to be, immaturity. That and being a person who reasons based more on emotion than logic and evidence. Sometimes her immaturity is very very irritating and I have to leave the room in order not to offend her or make her feel bad. At this point in her life she is not going to change her mind on deeply held beliefs so I don't want to cause her any pain or discomfort in her final years.

5

She taught me how I did not want to see the world like she does

5

My mother was far from perfect. I try to appreciate the good and forgive the bad. I hope that I was a better parent than my own, but it is a very difficult job and their father had a big impact on what I was able to do. I have to say that I am saddened by the lack of compassion of many of these posts. Parenting is difficult.

Yes, parenting is difficult. Its made more difficult by those mothers who insist on dragging more unnecessary layers of dysfunction into the relationship and digging their heels in instead of being flexible enough to realize they could have experimented with different methods of parenting. Especially since the method they chose obviously wasn't working for the family unit. In my world, 'compassion' is given to those who are innocent of wrongdoing, not those who drew a rigid philosophical line in the sand and more or less said its my way or the highway.

Our actions are determined by our environment and DNA. We are all deserving of compassion.

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