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-In the UK Walmart is known as Asda (Looooooong story don't ask).
I was there yesterday and as I only had three items I decided to us the self-service till which I never do on principle, believing them to be inventions of the devil.
However, for the month of December the abominations have switched from the recorded voice of a completely uninterested female checkout operator, to that of an utterly creepy Santa voice speaking in the third person.
I gritted my teeth and decided to give it a go.
The exchange went something like this:-
Checkout Hello there, Santa says welcome to Asda at Christmas, please press start to begin checking out your Christmas goodies Ho ho ho
Me: Oh for God’s sake, (press start)
Checkout Welcome, let's get you started … (click) Santa is sorry, but this till can only take card payments today, if you want to pay cash, please find another till. Is that okay? Ho ho ho.
Me: Yes (presses card payment button)
Checkout Ho ho ho, wonderful. Have you brought your own bags today, Ho ho ho
Me: Yes (presses own bag button)
Checkout Ho ho ho, please put your bag in the bagging area
Me: It is in the bagging area
Checkout Ho ho ho, please put your bag in the bagging area
Me: okay (takes bag out of the bagging area and puts it back.)
Checkout Ho ho ho, unexpected item in the bagging area
Me: It's the fucking bag you told me to put in the bagging area!
Checkout One of Santa's helpers will be with you to verify you bags Ho ho ho,
Me: Will they? Oh, good.
(Pissed off worker in an elf costume, wanders over)
Pissed off worker in an elf costume: Whaa?
Me: Santa wants you to verify my bag
Pissed off worker in an elf costume: Yeah, K (Waves magic plastic card over scanner) Dun
Checkout Ho ho ho, please scan your first item
Pissed off worker in an elf costume: Aw rite pal?
Me: Yes, thank you
(Pissed off worker in an elf costume pisses off elsewhere)
Checkout Ho ho ho, please scan your first item
Me: I heard you the first time!
(I scan a packet of painkillers)
Checkout Please summon One of Santa's helpers to verify your age restricted purchase Ho ho ho,
Me: you have got to be bloody well kidding
Checkout Please summon One of Santa's helpers to verify your age restricted purchase Ho ho ho,
Me: I think she has gone to the bathroom
Checkout Ho ho ho your purchase is age restricted Ho ho ho, please summon one of Santa's helpers to verify your age.
Me: You just told me you can only take card payments, I have to be over 18 to pay with a credit card you bloody bucket of bolts!
Checkout Ho ho ho Please hurry Ho ho ho, other people are waiting to make their Christmas purchases Please summon one of Santa's helpers to verify your age... ... ... Ho ho ho
(Pissed off worker in an elf costume comes back)
Me: Oi Elf
Pissed off worker in an elf costume: Bizzy, ang on a tick
Checkout Santa is sorry, but your transaction has been cancelled, please leave the self-service area…Ho ho ho
Me: You are fucking kidding me!
*Pissed off security man in a Xmas woolly Jumper😘 Come along sir we need you to leave now you're blocking up the queue.

The rest of the exchange is censored, suffice to say I am not welcome back in Asda, and it did not contain the words Ho ho ho!

LenHazell53 9 Dec 10
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4 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

3

I feel for you.

yeah, it's rough.

3

I object to those damned things on principle! Besides...I tell the checkout clerks that I'm willing to wait, so they can have jobs!

3

the diy machines here have a volume where you can turn the voice off.

4

Yup...

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