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Creepy McCreeperson..

At what age, if any, does it become creepy for a man to hit on, or flirt with a 21 year old girl?

Please explain your answer.

AMGT 8 Dec 15

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9

The formula is half the man's age, plus 7. So to date a 21 year old, you should be no more than 30.

Curious where that formula came from. Does it have a scientific basis, or is it folklore? Does it mean that it's cool for a 70 yo man to date a 42 yo woman, but not a 41 yo?

I think 10 years difference on both side is pretty fair. Beyond that they should consider adoption

I'm not sure where I heard it. And ultimately, of course, what two concenting adults do is their own business.

There is no formula.That is ridiculous.
The legal formula is for both consenting parties to be over 18.

@AMGT
HAHAHA! That's awesome!

8

Consenting adults, blah blah blah, not my place to judge. But, speaking for myself I'd be disinclined to flirt with a woman so young. I can't imagine we'd have much in common, and perspectives are vastly different the further apart the ages are, especially at such a young age (more wiggle room as people get older). I might have considered 21 compatible when I was 30-ish, but I'm not sure. At 40, I'd maybe consider 30 — but I'm talking hypothetically, and each individual in reality would deserve to be considered on their own merits.

I think it 'scales' as we get older, something you are hinting at.

At 21, dating a 30 year old is a bit much (lots of change between 21 and 30). 21-25? Sure.

At 30, dating a 40 year old doesn't seem too far along to me. As they are at similar development levels.

Similarly, a 35 year old dating a 50 year old... again, it's a stretch but not too much of a stretch.

A 40 year old dating a 55 year old seems ok to me, easily ok and depending on the individuals, 40-60 doesn't seem too much.

A 50 year old and a 70 year old? Would anyone notice? Really? But, a 40 year old and a 20 year old we'd ALL notice and probably be judging.

@Gnarloc, well stated. Yes, that was something I was hinting at. I think life experience is more similar across age gaps as we get older, so it makes less difference (as you said, 50 with 70, vs. 20 with 40).

7

When I was 32, I was newly divorced and lonely. I went out with with a 22 year old a couple of times. After the second time it sort of felt like I was babysitting, so I never dated that young again. I know this isn't an answer to the question, but when I see rich actors and others who are in their 50s and 60s with a 20 something girl, I kind of feel sorry for both of them.

5

Well I'm 53 - and sure as hell all the 21-year-old girls I hit on think I'm as creepy as fuck!

lol

5

I am old, I am not, yet, dead.

I won't 'hit on' someone I think is too young. I have not been able to have kids, yet. I do hope to do so some day. Based on what I have read and experienced, I think that asking a woman my age to have kids is asking a bit much. In short, in dating I feel like the proverbial old man searching for a trophy wife or 'perv' experience... I am NOT. That is NOT what I want. I just want the normal "grow up, get married, have kiids" experience but... I am late with one (my wife and I tried, she passed away after an 8 year battle with breast cancer).

So, all that said, I restrict my active searches to women 35-45 and feel creepy about 35 year olds who respond. I actively search for about a 15 year gap (or less) meaning that I really am looking at 39 year olds.

Now, ALL of that said, if I happen to meet someone, and she doesn't have her current age tattooed on her forehead (or elsewhere) and we are having a great time and we decide to, give a 'deeper' relationship a whirl... I'd have a conversation with her before we took that step but I am not opposed (really no longer opposed, I was when I was young), to the thought of a gap in years... IF, it's a big if, the two are well matched, in spite of said gap in years.

And by 'well matched' I do NOT mean one has a lot of money, and the other a lot of naivete. I mean that they just click on a lot of levels.

I have met gals my age, or higher, who are NOT compatible. Either because they aren't ready to have a deep conversation, or because I am not physically attracted to them (or vice versa, and before your thoughts to too far in this direction, i have met some women who are smokin' hot even as far up as 70!), or... and this one is weird but it is there... culturally compatible.

Now, strangely, I have met two girls so far who are just 'old souls.' They spoke MY language, liked the same things I like. I could talk to them as a friend and NOT feel like I was a father or grandfather talking to them (I mean cultural compatibility where we truly speak the same language, despite the years). I did not 'hit on' either. One of them was old enough, mature enough really, that I made my feelings clear, and by that I mean I said I would be open to exploring the possibility. She never did answer, but she never left my life either and no, we never became a couple. We are just good friends. We respect each other and have deep feelings for each other. I think at this point we will never cross into the romantic realm though, and I am ok with that.

So, in my book it is weird to 'hit on' someone when you do NOT know them well enough to know if they are the least interested in you, or that you are more than interested at a surface (probably lust) level. It is up to both of you to determine if the number of years is a problem. You both have to talk openly and honestly about that. The thing is, that communication needs to be there even if there is NO gap in ages. 🙂

4

@AMGT - We are dealing with something that cannot be relegated to numbers. We need to look at motive. As an example with which I have personal experience, my wife is 15 years my junior. We have been together for what could be considered forever based on current trends, and we have four really cool children, even if one is a religious nutcase.

Motive, folks. Motive.

3

I don't think age is relevant (as long as both are consenting adults), I think it is creepy for anyone, if the person being hit on thinks it is creepy. If both parties are happy with the interaction, I don't think it is anyone else's business, and if either party is uncomfortable with the interaction it is their obligation to speak up and make their desire or lack thereof known.

Would it make a difference to you if a 21 year old woman was hitting on a much older man?
What if it was a young man hitting on an older woman?
Would it make a difference if both parties were the same gender?

Yes I think younger hitting on older and younger female on older men doesnt seem cool to me. AMGT sums it up pretty well. I am not sure my opinon would vary if they were the same sex

@AMGT

Why is it a daddy "issue" if someone likes dating someone significantly older than they are? Couldn't it simply be the way their attraction is 'wired', no different than someone being attracted to red hair, or blue eyes.

I would not consider someone with a diagnosed mental illness acting based on that illness to be capable of informed consent.

Why if it is someone young hitting on an older person would you assume insincerity or manipulation?

What are the reasons you believe age to be relevant?

As for "females who are in a position where they feel obligated to be nice even when they are uncomfortable", I believe that is a side effect of the patriarchal, male dominated society we live in. I believe that any woman should and does have the right to set her own boundaries and enforce those nicely or rudely, which ever she chooses.

3

Total Honesty? From this front, here we go. I am 68 years old, and am a part time college student, so I am not run of the mill, but I do spend some time time with younger students, and frankly, I do enjoy the company of the coeds. I do not expect or seek sexual favors, but enjoy a young and fresh look at life.

2

I wonder why you made this post.... hahaha

2

I wouldn't say creepy. Creeps can be any age (or gender). But it's just weird, or something. 21 is just coming into adulthood. A person that age could benefit from having older friends, but their dating us better off near their own age.
But please consider that no one wears their age pinned to their shirt. A guy can't know what he's doing until he finds out. Some women look older than they are, and some much much younger. There is no smooth way to ask.

2

I think it would depend on the girl and the circumstances. There are a very few girls who are attracted to older men. Some girls, as well as some guys, look for older men (sugar daddies) to support them.

When I came otu as a gay man at age 23, I looked young for my age and was often mistakenly thought to be still in high school. There were several times where gusy who were older than 40,hit on me. I guess they were hoping I was naive as i looked. I found that to be creepy.

Generally, I adopted the" ten year rule." I would not date anyone who was mor ethan 10 years older than I was. This was mostly because as the age difference gets bigger, there is less chance of there beign anything you will have in common,or enough in common to make a relationship worth pursuing.

2

Is Roy Moore at it again?????

2

Hmmm. I find 21 year old girls very attractive, but out of my reach and beyond my interest. There’s just really no common ground. I would say outside of 40. But who am I to tell people who they should associate with? If you want to date a 21 year old, go ahead. Enjoy the inane conversation.

2

40 for sure. 30s pushing it.

2

I don't do just because we have nothing in common to relate to. 21 year olds seems like children to me... simply put... too much of generation gap.... been looking like that for many, many years. I can't see anyone in their 40's!!!! ...and then again... maturity level and complimentary factors could lead to possibility but it will be the exception and not the rule and not expected to last. Expectations on the relationship from both individuals. the 21 year old may end up being the creepy one. What is the motivation in both sides? Can of Worms Alert!!!! I like good good conversation after love or sex. flow of ideas between equals.

2

Somewhere between 31 and 36. I picked 31 because at that age (hers) the 10-year differential creates a substantial difference in life stage and experience. I picked 36 because at that age (his) he literally could be her father. I made a range because some 21-year-old women can be especially mature for their age, so she might actually prefer flirting with an older man. I don't like setting anything too firm, but, yeah, somewhere in there is where it starts feeling uncomfortable.

I don't have any daughters. If I did, I'd probably set the bar lower, but this is me without an emotional involvement in the question.

2

Tough question, considering both parties are most definitely adults. In a way, I feel like age is just a number so long as adults are involved. That said, as a 45 year old, I know that I would have little to nothing in common with a 21 year old woman. Could I find one attractive? Absolutely! Might I flirt with one? Probably not intentionally but I am a poor judge of age sometimes and I might think she were closer to 30.

Right or wrong, men are visual people and any man who tells you that a young woman (~21) could not be attractive is lying to you. Generally speaking, most men no matter what their age would find a 21 year old woman attractive. Maybe it's just because I'm not the overly aggressive type, but I think most flirting is harmless. A 60 year old flirting with a 21 year old would be pathetic for sure. Probably a little creepy too, but that's mostly for the target of the flirting to decide.

LEGALLY adults. Developmentally? I still maintain that my father was a child, in his 60s... granted, he was a very high functioning child. 🙂

Similarly, I have met younguns that scare me with their maturity! 🙂

And, for the record, I work with developmentally delayed adults who really are children, despite their chronological age.

@Gnarloc Heck, I'm 45 and still act like a teenager sometimes when I'm taking a break from the realities of working and paying bills. 🙂

My oldest daughter is 13 and she is very mature, intelligent and well-spoken for her age. I sometimes forget myself that she literally is still a child but it does show on occasion.

Some of the people I work with are in their late twenties and early thirties and even there I can tell a difference in how they view things and their overall level of maturity. There is little substitute for personal experience that comes only with age.

@KevinD872 No argument there, in fact, I think you are supporting my commentary. 🙂

In fact, I agree that a LOT of growth occurs twixt 20 and 30.

2

I think it depends on a lot of factors. But generally 9-10 year difference. I don’t think someone in their 30’s should have enough in common with someone who is 21 to want to pursue a relationship to begin with.

Riley Level 6 Dec 16, 2017

That really depends.
My dh was 11 yrs my jr. when I met him @22. I'd never had the luxury before or since being into the same music, humor etc. There seemed to be a black hole in my age range.
I was "practical" before him having a bf who was 7 yrs older. We had nothing in common beyond the sheets. I was constantly turning him on to my music, he was stodgy and boring everywhere else.

1

I don't really hit on women at all. Especially with this 'me too' movement going on, it seems like every woman is at the ready to judge me a creep at any second. I know that's probably not true, but there's more to it than just that. (I hear women tell stories about getting hit on at place X and how they just want to get their shit done.) Now, if some young gorgeous woman thought I was brilliant and wanted to hook up with me (which is never going to happen, but for the sake of argument) I don't think there's any way I could turn that down. But I don't know that a relationship would work (that's ignoring the fact that I doubt I'm going to find anyone I'm compatible with, let alone a beautiful intelligent woman who doesn't want kids who also happens to be a decade and a half my junior.)
But basically I'm just in the mode where I hope I strike up a real conversation with a woman without having to be the annoying guy who hits on everyone, genuinely find her interesting, and make her fall for me with my biting wit and unbelievable charm that I, for some reason, never display publicly.

1

Whenever I see a large age gap in a relationship, my first thought is "when X was born, the other person was X." If I was 10 years old and you were a baby...we were both kids, and maybe it's ok. But if I could have been old enough to have you as a child myself...that's creepy. Sexual attraction is one thing. I'm 47 years old and I find many young women very attractive and I can reminisce from afar about how I USED to be in my twenties and what it would have been like to have a relationship with an attractive twenty something, when I was a twenty something. But to actually act upon that impulse? No way. The other thing I don't get about older men hitting on younger girls. -- the older I get the younger everyone looks to me. Unless they are a glamoured up Victoria secret model (and even sometimes then) they look like high school girls. I am seeing 20 to 30 year olds that look like college kids. That's just creepy. I am sure there are exceptions, but I believe we all just need to stay in our own lane. My wife and I are 3 years apart, she's older. We have a lot in common, but still 3 years for memories in high school- events, music, etc. were different. I don't know how people with huge age spans even have a conversation. What could they have in common beyond sex? I just don't get it.

1

If you get parental consent, it doesn't matter.

Roy Moore

so glad we are 1 moore less! ugh!

1

I think it is odd when they can be your own daughter...you have to ask to meet their mother, not out of respect, but to make sure you didn't date her. I did the punk rock up until I was about 38 or so, saw a lot of people who were dating at half their age or so.

1

Old enough to be the parent.

So, a 5 year span?

I say that because the youngest known mother was 5 years old!

And yes, I know she is an outlier. How about we freeze normal 'fertility' at 16? So, a span of 16 years or less?

It's late and I'm tired so not sure I'm understanding, so yeah, personally think a 15+ age gap is pushing it.
If anything, and this is just off personal exp bias. Women statistically live longer than men so a much older spouse is increasing the likely hood and sooner, the older the man, that one gets to join the shitty club of widowhood. That did not pay off in my case however.

and gross at 5 year old mother. Nightmare fuel !!! o.O

1

Well, it depends on your own opinion. But a common way to judge the acceptable age difference is cut your age in half and add 7 years.

So the equation would indicate 28 is acceptable, but no higher. But again, it's ultimately up to the individuals to decide if it's alright, and so long as neither partner would be violating age of consent laws in the area, it's ultimately individual choice.

0

I went out with a 22 year old when I was in my mid thirties, and found out we had absolutely nothing in common. My only attraction to her was her beauty and her sparkling personality. Since then I only dated women who were within 4 or 5 years of my age. I think for most people that woul be a good rule of thumb.

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