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Writing this partly for answers and partly to get it off my chest. I recently met someone, and we've been dating exclusively for a couple of months now. We've got together a few times, and after the last time in particular, some patterns are emerging that are starting to bother me.

I had a relationship a few years ago that was just spot on. I felt wanted but not smothered. Daily texts. Occasional phone calls. Try to get together (overnight) at least once a week. And in spite of the fact that we both preferred the passive/receptive sexual role, we agreed to go exclusive on the basis that we'd both 'switch.' That worked well for over a year, until my mostly closet bisexual partner stalled in their coming out process, ran back into the closet, nailed the door shut, and started dating cis women again.

I thought I'd found that again (though hopefully without the tragic finale.) The demands on each others' time seemed perfect: both happy to meet roughly once a week, and stay overnight, then stay in touch by text every day. We went out around Chester for the afternoon and got on great, socially. But when I go to stay over at theirs, it's a different story.

I suspect they're a full bottle of wine into the situation by the time I get there (around 6:30pm last time.) The wrong side of 'nicely drunk' which in their case manifests as 'belligerently opinionated.' They're quite right wing in most of their views, and I'm quite liberal in most of mine. They also have some spiritual beliefs, while I have none. Every time one of these subjects comes up, they get quite emotionally invested in it. They're always right, and if I disagree, it's made very clear that I'm wrong. There is no respect for my opinion whatsoever.

Some of the stuff I've found downright offensive so far:

  • "I've seen stuff that proves the supernatural exists, so you can stick your non-belief."
  • "Naturists who involve their children in naturism are paedophiles, because nudity is sexual." (That makes me a paedophile, by the way. My ex and I took our son on his first naturist holiday when he was 6 weeks old.)
  • "The Wachowski sisters are still brothers. They were born men and will always be men." (I never expected to hear this from someone who identifies as trans.)
  • I mentioned a commonly used (in the trans community) TLA without explaining it, and got a long lecture on how disrespectful that was.
  • I talked about room sharing with a friend for an event. Someone I've known for years, shared with before, and there's zero sexual interest, even when I've been free and available. But they insisted on seeing pictures, and I ended having to convince them that I wasn't going to have sex with this person. So the trust isn't there (certainly not when they're drunk.)

Oh, and red rag to a bull to me: lecturing on how they would be a perfect parent without ever having been one. "I'd never let my children have phones and iPads." To which I replied "You'd soon change your tune when you realised it gave you a brief taste of what it used to be like to be a free human being before being a parent took over your whole life." Of course I was wrong, just as I am in every discussion we have while they're drunk.

It isn't working out much better sexually. At least not for me.

We've agreed to go exclusive on the basis that we'd alternate between roles (as I'd done previously) yet since making that agreement, sex has only ever involved them as passive/receptive. I don't think they have any interest in taking the active role, and while they claim it will happen, I feel like I'm being fobbed off with empty promises. So now I feel trapped in a relationship where I have no sexual outlet (or at least not the one that actually scratches my itch.) And I've spent too many years in that situation already. If my needs aren't going to be met, then I need to be free to look elsewhere.

Trying to sleep the other night, they complained that I was taking up too much space in the bed and they were hanging off the edge. They ended up sleeping in the middle of the double bed, with me squashed against the wall. And in their drunken state, they elbowed me in the back four times, and the back of the head twice, in their sleep.

Just writing all this, I don't see why I would stick around. But being 4 niches deep (fat, homosexual, over 50 and gender variant) I know I'm more likely to drown in unicorn tears than find 'the one.' So I'm not looking for perfection. I'm willing to compromise in some areas, as long as my partner is, too. My last relationship was with someone who bored me senseless. At least they don't do that. I also don't believe they're violent or dangerous. I think it's fair to say they're the best chance of happiness that's come my way in several years. So maybe it deserves a second chance.

If we're not ending it, we need to talk about this stuff. But it isn't something I want to do by text, while it's something I clearly need to do with them while they're sober. If I drop the 'we need to talk' bombshell by text, it leaves them hanging until we can meet. If I leave it until the next time I go round to theirs, they'll be hammered by the time I arrive again. Their shifts and my various Pride event commitments mean we can't get together at weekends for the foreseeable. I can't think of a good way to go about doing this.

NicoleCadmium 7 July 7
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Date night went a lot better last night. For starters, it seems we have a huge misunderstanding about going exclusive, and neither of us actually wanted it. As I recall, the conversation went something along the lines of me saying "So are we dating then?" and them saying "Well to me, that means going exclusive" which I agreed to. We've accepted that while we can both do 'versatile', neither of us really wants to, and it's the passive/receptive role that appeals to both of us. I've often said I'd be fine with a relationship with someone like that, as long as I was allowed to scratch the itch elsewhere.

I brought a blanket and slept on the sofa (it's very comfortable) which sorted the stray limb problem. I'm also learning to be more assertive with my opinions, which does seem to gain me some ground and some respect. (Though I failed to convince them that soda water and tonic water aren't the same thing.) Part of my trouble is that I spent 17 years in a relationship where I wasn't allowed to disagree with my partner. I need to learn to be more assertive.

Some of the other stuff? I think I can make progress. I've recognised that their understanding of trans is probably where mine was about 5 years ago. While they say they have themselves figured out, they seem to flit between describing themselves as a feminine gay man and a trans woman throughout the evening (one of the reasons I'm keeping this gender neutral.) Maybe their understanding of trans will evolve, as mine did. Who knows? And we agree on plenty of other stuff, too, so it's not all arguments. Including the right to self-identify both gender and sexuality.

The room share thing was the biggest misunderstanding. I thought they wanted to vet the person, and that I was expected to go through the same process with anyone I shared with. Apparently they were asking for pics of the room, so they could see if there was decent lighting, mirrors etc. if they were able to come and stay with me instead (which was the original plan.)

So a number of crossed wires in key places. I think I can work with the rest.

I’m glad things are going better and it sounds like you are uncrossing those wires! It takes good communication, which can be a challenge.


Yeah, ya sure do need to talk about things. Everyone deserves a second chance. I see some red flags - them insisting you’re always wrong when drinking, routinely drinking to excess, different spiritual and political beliefs, and sex. I also wonder whats-up with their concern about you sharing a room with someone you’re not into sexually. I self medicated with alcohol for years and I just wonder if they are doing the same.

CS60 Level 7 July 7, 2019

A couple of things you mention jump out at me in dramatic, glaring fashion.

  1. All you had to do was mention your mis-match in politics and spirituality, and my past 5 month-long effort with a devout Roman Catholic Republican came rushing back to me. (Shiver).
    There are many couples who seem quite happy with each other despite differences in their world views. BUT, if your spiritual and socio-political views are important to you( mine sure are to me), you will NEVER be happy with someone who ridicules you for yours and who cannot hold thoughtful discussion with you without it devolving to mockery or derissive dismissal.
  2. The role of their alcohol excess you repeatedly reference. If they're actually alcoholic, YOU cannot make them change; they have to find the motivation in themselves, and you can ONLY be supportive of that. IF, as you suspect, they are just abusing it from time to time, you seem to be laying much of the blame for the meanness toward you on the alcohol.
    Don't. What alcohol does is enhance a person's blatant selfishness and intolerance, true, but it also removes a person's filter, their diplomacy. What you are hearing in those nasty statements are likely their true sentiments, just devoid of diplomacy. Diplomacy, btw, is a crucial tool for compromise in a relationship.

As for me, I broke it off with my then-boyfriend after he indicated he was likely to vote for tRump in 2016, with the excuse that he can't trust Democrats to protect him from raised property taxes. Civil rights-be-damned! Societal safety net be damned! That was a bridge too far for me.

I was single for a year and a half after that, finally connecting with someone with the help of many months on 3 different dating apps. NO GUARANTEES. We are both over 50, both professionals, both busy with our jobs and only able to get together 3 or 4 times a month. Compromise is necessary, true, but you had better get something in return that actually contributes in some way to happiness, not just be able to "tolerate" their bullshit. Better to be single, unattached, and work on simple friendships and casual socializing than to feel pressured and insulted for the chance at an intimate relationship. I would rather date my hand then an asshole. 😎
We've got to love ourself first! Good luck to you!

1 do not sound happy AT ALL. And it seems, from what i've read, YOU are Stop going over...I haven't seen anything here that smacks of a relationship. So what you are over fifty...i know people over fifty who are happy as a pig in...slop. Stop going over...and start losing complained that you are a bit on the heavy side. He will see the difference in you...and it MIGHT garner some respect. He seems like he's trying to get you out of his life anyway. So...GO with your friend, share a room...YOU know you are true...and he can elbow the wall if he likes. HE is making all the demands on YOU. Y'know, there IS a difference between DOMINANT/DOM...and domineering...HE is domineering...and nasty about it too. He seems to want some freedom also...YOU DESERVE TO BE be happy...if he wants to come along and be happy ALSO...fine...otherwise leave him with his six pack and his jack daniels and call it a day!!!
JUST MY FEELINGS...don't be upset. You deserve MORE babe.

Thank you x

I'm quite angry after Thursday night, and I suppose a lot of that has come across in my story. You are only getting my side of it, naturally, but I honestly can't see any issues with my own behaviour.

As I've said elsewhere, I think I'm going to give it one more date, and set some parameters before it happens. One being that they don't drink excessively (let's see how that moderates their mood and their opinions) and the other being that we actually switch things up in the bedroom, as per the original agreement, rather than the one sided reality that we seem to have at the moment.

If that doesn't work out, then I think it's time to call the whole thing off. I think they deserve to know which aspects of their behaviour are problematic for me, and have at least one shot at changing them.

@NicoleCadmium Well can give it a shot...but it won't change anything...a leopard never changes it's spots. Don't put up with his crap...MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY sweetheart. YOU deserve it.


It's your choice to put up with it

bobwjr Level 10 July 7, 2019

I recognize several troubling behavior problems. Passive aggressive. Discounting and dismissive of your experiences. Invalidates your feelings. Disrespectful of your beliefs. Blames you for things that aren’t your fault.
The drinking: you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it or cure it. If he’s violent(elbowing you) or hurtful by accident when drunk now, what’s going to happen if he gets too angry while drunk but still awake?

It might be better alone, than to accept this behavior. That’s my opinion of course. I’m sorry you’re going through it.


That's quite a situation you're in... You sure do tolerate many things... Too many imo... From what I've read here, they do not have any respect for you at all and if you continue to allow them to disrespect you in all these ways, things will get progressively worse... It seems like you're being used... I'd stop going to their place for awhile and go with the home field advantage...


Are you sure the struggle is worth it? I don’t see that uou’ve written anything positive about this relationship. If you just want a companion, consider a dog or a cat. You deserve better than disrespect and rudeness.

UUNJ Level 8 July 7, 2019

You say "I think it's fair to say they're the best chance of happiness that's come my way in several years", but can you honestly see yourself ever being happy that relationship? I'm a great believer in everyone deserving a chance to prove themselves, but that refusal to even listen to your argument about the supernatural suggests this person has no respect for the opinions and thoughts of others and, assuming they're aged over 25, they're probably never going to change. It's better to be single than with someone who makes you miserable, and it sounds to me like that's all they will ever do.

Jnei Level 8 July 7, 2019

I think a lot of that is drink related, which in turn, I think is nerves related on their part. They're currently very confused about what they are (sometimes describing themselves as 'trans', but others as 'fem gay' ) and perhaps they're still at that stage where they can't 'dress' without a bottle of wine inside them. I know plenty of others like that. (Then again, we both did Chester sober.)

So perhaps if we can settle down into a situation where we both have a few drinks (enough to get relaxed, without getting totally smashed) that side of things might sort itself out.

As an outsider, reading what I just wrote, I'd say it's probably doomed. But as someone with a vested interest in making it work, I'm at least pondering how many and which chances I should give it.


@NicoleCadmium Only you can know if it's worth a shot. Go with your instinct and good luck 🙂

@Jnei. Thanks. That's where I'm at with it. And writing this and reading the responses is helping me to get to the answer. Would I rather be in a bad relationship or single? Most definitely single if the bad relationship is going to stay bad. Is the bad relationship fixable? If I can get them to drink less when we meet and to consider and respect my sexual needs in the bedroom and my opinions outside of it, then maybe?

@NicoleCadmium If they want to fix it too, it's fixable .🙂

@Jnei possibly not, if I blurt out all of the above in one go. Though it was their idea to go exclusive. Indeed, they wouldn't agree that we were 'dating' unless we did.

I'm leaning towards arranging another overnight stay in a week or so, but on the express understanding that they don't get too drunk, and that it's my turn to be on the receiving end in the bedroom.

So see how that one pans out, and take it from there. I might just stay completely sober myself, giving me the option to leave and drive home. Part of the problem last time was that I felt trapped in the situation once I've had a few drinks and was no longer fit to drive.

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