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Hello. I'm Janeen. My daughter came out bi me a little over a year ago. Her dad doesn't know. He's part of a very fundamentalist type of church and she's afraid tell him because she's afraid he won't want anything do with her or worse. We're divorced a great bit due his religion. He moved South Korea teach English about a year ago and since he left she's really come out of her shell. Months before he left, she was cutting herself because her relationship with him was so difficult for her. She had already stopped going to church by this point. I hate that kids telling their parents have to be such a difficult thing for them. It shouldn't be. She has friends who came out to their parents, one friend immediately banned my from their home blaming her for it. Our world is crazy. Anyway, wanted to introduce myself. I realize I probably have a lot to learn in order to be a better ally. I'm trying though.

SimplyJaneen 5 Aug 14
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Welcome! Sounds like you are off to a great start at being an ally.


There is nothing wrong with anyone sexual orientations. She really doesn't need to tell her dad anything. If he finds out himself then it's on him to deal with it. Meanwhile you try to enforce too her how beautiful her feelings are encourage her to enjoy her life and be herself 100% of the time.. freedom is to be oneself and to be free makes one slays happy confident and strong.

Neenz Level 7 Aug 14, 2019

I think the only reason she feels he needs to know is because it is very much her identity at this time. Her room has rainbows; she has both the gay and bi pride flags in her window, she has a chart she made herself of the different LGBT+ groups, she wears pride pins and shirts, so on. This has all been since her dad left the country. Like I said, him leaving really allowed her to bloom which is sad that his beliefs are like that. Unfortunately, there has been some issues that have come up, one I still need to deal with but it happened the end of the school year and it wasn't at a time I could deal with it very effectively as it was a last minute thing. It was a class camping trip and her teachers wouldn't let her share a tent with her best friend in the class because they were convinced the girls were in a relationship. They're not but because my daughter is "affectionate" towards her friends, they're convinced that the girls were at one time if not currently at the time in a relationship. So they couldn't tent together and she ended up tenting with people who really didn't like her. Again, it was a last minute thing and I almost pulled her from the camping trip and went all mama bear on the teachers but she didn't want me to at the time. But it still needs to be addressed because with her school situation, she has the same teachers this year and she's having more anxiety about going back to school this fall. I also have to check with the school to make sure dying her hair with rainbow colors is okay as my daughter has told her principal seems to think that rainbow flags are gang symbols.



bobwjr Level 10 Aug 14, 2019

Well great that she had one accepting parent! Welcome.

She might want to try a support group for people her age. (If she isn't in one). And there are groups for allies too.

[] will help you find resources in your area.

RavenCT Level 9 Aug 14, 2019

There is a local group of teens that meet up and I tried to take her one time but it was awkward for her. I'm trying to get her to understand that it takes time and the first few times of going to a new group will be that way. There are some pride things coming up in September I'll try to take her to as well.

@SimplyJaneen Hey she may not be a "joiner" at this point in her life. But certainly think about attending for yourself. It will help to talk to other parents going through the same thing - even if she doesn't want to go with you.

And maybe if you set the example - she'll be more tempted? (I'm a bit devious.) lol

It took ages to get my trans niece into counseling - but she's in it now and she's attended PFLAG meetings with good results. (With her wife).
It just helps to know there are other people sharing your experiences.
You don't always need a constant diet of that - but knowing there are others going through it? That's a good thing.

And you can always just call their helpline too. You don't even have to do meetings to get some support. Remember that. I know here they have phone hours after 5 pm in the evening (here in New England). And those folks are helpful.
They've helped me - my friends and members of my family many times.


WELCOME to the group. Hey...when I was growing up it wasn't a thing to come out to people...well...except those you were involved with...they all knew. My father NEVER would have accepted ME being bi, my mother might have accepted it...somewhat...but through my life i found I'm bi but i lean toward men. I've moved away from my 'home' area...and i am actually opening up more and MY age i am STILL finding things out about myself. I guess it's BEST to be who you are AS YOU REALIZE things....but it seems our society...BECAUSE it is a PATRIARCHAL society...only thinks ONE WAY...and a man having sex with a man, or a woman having sex with a NOT totally acceptable...not YET. IF THIS was a MATRIARCHAL'd be NO problem...we'd all be who we are...NO QUESTIONS problems, no psycho analyzing. who you are.

Both my mother and grandmother were/are bi. I wasn't aware of this though until I was in high school but there was a time, from what I remember my mother telling me, my grandmother had a female partner before she married my step-grandfather. When I told my mom about my daughter, she quipped that it must have skipped a generation.

@SimplyJaneen WOW...I KNOW there are other bi's and gays in MY family. But that is WONDERFUL for you.

I was in the same boat. But in my day we never heard of "gay" or, especially, "bi"!! All I knew was if you were attracted to boys AT ALL, you were QUEER! Although my parents were never bothered by such things. One of our neighbors was openly gay (queer), but was very good friends with my parents and my grandmother, so I while I was comfortable with my own feelings I still never dared to open up about it, but was very afraid of being discovered and labelled queer by my friends. And I couldn't really be sure of what the reaction would be if I told my parents I was bi (queer), so I never did. Luckily another neighbor was a teen a boy a couple years older than me who was also bi, or maybe queer, I don't know for sure and I didn't care. The only thing I cared about was that he was best friend and we spent as much time together as we could. So we had a lot of happy times together, including sleepovers and exploring and camping in the woods.... Until his family moved away after a few years. I miss those days.

@Daco2007 YOU AND I SEEM to have grown up in the same time period. I never knew ANYTHING about being bi or gay...i was just who i am. Then i met a guy who showed me who i was. He was a friend of mine from a few houses down...and also a few years older...i think i was 10 or 11 at the time, he was 13 i believe. And when i went over to hang out with him at his house, we went into his room and one day he said to me...hey...wanna see something? So i said...sure...and he said...but you can't tell i said...okay no problem. He reached down and pulled himself out of his pants...and he was HARD. And i was like...WOW...PROBABLY thinking to my self at the time...gorgeous, lol...but he said to me...go ahead and touch it. I LITERALLY THOUGHT it was swollen, and i asked him if it still hurts. THAT was when i found out that i liked men...ALSO. I was a very confused boy and there was NOBODY to talk to about it...but yes...everybody who liked men...was queer...there was NO OTHER explanation for it. When you come right down to it...we have NEVER been THE LAND OF THE FREE!!! IF YOU did not fit into a SPECIFIC mold of did not belong...PERIOD. So, I kept it to myself...TOTALLY. And still to this day, there are verrrry few people who know the ME inside. I tell people here because...YOU GUYS...are my understand can feel safe here. I KNOW this sounds like i am rambling, but, i have had so many interruptions since i started writing this...i just pieced everything together...sorry.


Welcome to the group and hang in there. It will get better in time.

freedom41 Level 9 Aug 14, 2019
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