Something for all the fathers who wanted to be with their kids today but couldn't be and something for all of the mothers who wished that the father of their kids had even bothered to call and let the kids know that they are loved. Divorce can be a hurtful thing and too often pride gets in the way of what is best for the kids.
For everybody else, count yourself lucky.
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Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.No easy answers but in fairness to fathers, they do tend to get the short end of the stick in custody situations. Every other weekend with the kids and a lot of undermining, demonizing talk from the former wife quite often. They collapse around it and give up. Should they? No, but it's understandable; if your ex turns the kids against you and/or has them the vast majority of the time, then what's the point?
And no, this didn't happen to me, I've just observed it and very much admired the 50/50 shared custody my wife set up with her ex for her kids (every other week) and how they remained in the same city so the children could have stability and finish in the same school district. It was one of the things that endeared her to me. She very strongly believes that if, regardless of your own issues with the father, you respect their role and your children's need for their father, they will tend to step into the role; many women never really give them the chance to be emotionally and relationally present -- they just want $$.
My daughter has a somewhat more traditional arrangement with her ex but after a rocky start learned to separate the issues around the divorce from the needs of the two boys they had together. Those boys, now teens, clearly idolize their father and are far healthier to have him in their lives. And to his credit he has made the boys a priority -- again, after a rocky start where he was a bit flaky.
mordant
Level 8
June 18, 2018
1
There was a backlash against fathers who didn't step up for their kids back in the 80's and 90's, as my lawyer put it 'I was getting divorced at a time in history when it was the worst time to be a white male getting a divorce'; he advised me to move to Brazil, change my name and forget I ever had 3 kids because I would never see them again. He was right, I haven't seen my children but once in 24 years but the cheque still goes out each month, I only hope that some of it trickles down to them but I doubt it.
@Surfpirate Yeah I had a little different situation with my divorce from my 1st wife; I had sole physical custody because she wasn't competent so it was just a question of alimony, not child support. And at least in my state (Michigan at the time), judges frown on perpetual alimony; it's seen as a transitional aid and the woman is expected to support herself or find another husband or something after 2 or 3 years.
Ultimately my ex never had anything to do with either of my children, and when I tried to arrange it, she said no, she couldn't deal with it.
So, one thing that you and I both avoided (for entirely different reasons) is the practical problems of a split household. If you HAD seen your kids, even with 50/50 visitation rights, parenting just gets a lot harder because there are differences between how discipline happens in the 2 households, particularly after one or both parties remarry; it gives the kids more adults to play off each other to get their own way; there can be jealousy issues between ex and current spouses; a tendency for the children to keep secrets to avoid conflict, and on and on. I saw this first hand with my wife's kids and even though I only caught the tail end of it, it was still a lot of unwanted drama. Knowing what I know now, I can understand a sound reason to keep a crap marriage together "for the sake of the kids" -- something that didn't make much sense to me before.
Just one example, when my stepson turned 18 he totally floored us by crossing his arms the day after his birthday and refusing to go to his father's house at the appointed time. The reason? Dad had remarried to a complete moron with no maternal instinct -- no, actually TERRIBLE maternal instincts -- lots of shaming and manipulative behavior, and his father caved to it. So my stepson decided when he turned 18 he was taking up residence permanently with his mother and I. Which we were fine with, except, predictably, we got blamed for engineering or influencing this decision. It eventually worked out, but trust me, it wasn't any fun for awhile there. And in part it indirectly ended his father's second marriage, as it was an eye opener for his Dad once Dad understood how negatively his wife had affected his son.
So while visitation is good, divided households quickly starts to look like an old-fashioned soap opera for its own reasons ... sometimes even when the parties involved are relatively cordial and mature about it.
Hmmmm.... yeah... its rough.
BucketlistBob
Level 8
June 18, 2018
1
Hmmm, yeah, it sure can be.
@Surfpirate. Im just now getting closer to my kids. I divorced when my kids were teens. I gave all my check to them to stay their life style while i lived in a camper. My kids where everything to me. I can speak up and say... yeah... its rough.
@BucketlistBob Glad you are finally getting to see your kids.
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