Explain to me how you know your attraction for someone else is not just a desire or an infatuation but true love?
0
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Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.Speaking from experience (current situation), it takes me a few months to realize that my girlfriend and I are not that good together. We'd both had a crush on each other for years, but spent very little time together. We saw each other around a lot and had many mutual friends, but never really got to know one another. When the "honeymoon phase" ends, and you see below the surface, sometimes you just find that you have less in common. When your interest in interacting with your partner fades, their voice grates on your nerves, the arguments become more frequent and petty, the sex even starts to get boring, you realize that it must have been infatuation. Now I have to find a way out without making her hate me.
Compass
Level 5
June 28, 2018
2
This brings up another issue! Yes infatuation and desire needs to be put aside to discover compatibility but love is still possible without compatibility. Without a deep level of compatibility you need to accept your love for the other person may not be a relationship based love but just a friendship based love!
My friend Mary Jo and one of her teen peer educators in Pittsburgh wrote this wonderful response to a similar question. [observer-reporter.com]
UUNJ
Level 8
June 28, 2018
1
Just heard the old song 'Diary' from Bread on Pandora. He finds her diary and thinks she is writing about him. At the end of the song he realizes that she is writing about someone else.
The tears flow but he says 'And as I go through my life, I will wish for her his wife
All the sweet things she can find
All the sweet things they can find.'
That is true love.
Hihi
Level 6
June 27, 2018
1
I could write a book about how if love is truly selfless it can make those who feel real deeply for someone else so overly conscientious for their welfare that they may avoid their feeling for and many activities with them! An example would be I would never want the responsibility of riding my motorcycle with my girlfriend on the back! This completely changes my personality and if that is something she may love to do it also makes me less fun!
Nah, just someone who has got through their cognitive dissonance and is a good 'loser' who recognises yesterday is dead today is the only day for living.
Hihi:
@MrSustainable Oh no - if you had a kid, would you wrap them in bubble wrap and never let them leave the house? Loving someone doesn't mean you control their existence.
@Hihi If I had kids I would probably be over protective till they were teenagers, then I would just be very nervous! I am not talking about needing control, I am saying love makes you not want to be a bad influence! If you enjoy risky activities (lets say hang gliding) you may not want someone you care about to be with you!
Hihi:
@MrSustainable I don't enjoy hang gliding - lol. I even hate roller coasters. But I put my (at the time) 5 year old aspergers son on a bungee jump ride by himself at the amusement park because he wanted to ride it. He pulled the cord himself to be dropped. You couldn't pay me a million bucks to get on that thing!
When you want what's best for them even if it's not in your own best interest or if it's directly opposed to your own best interest. And that you keep reinvesting into building the relationship instead of just taking what you want from it - your concept of "you" grows to include the other person and their wants and needs.
chilehead9
Level 7
June 27, 2018
2
I’ve come to the conclusion that all love, no matter how selfless, has a degree of selfishness to it. I could have a significant other do something for me and have him willingly do it despite what he wants to do, but there’s a deeper sense of want that superceeds the immediate desire, so him doing something inconvenient for him would just be him one step closer to getting what he wants. Calling it “true love” would probably be someone doing something they absolutely don’t want to do when there is no underlying desire present in doing it.
Adam7
Level 4
June 27, 2018
0
I still love my ex-husband but I would rather stick a needle in my eye than get back together with him. Sometimes loving someone doesn't even mean you are supposed to be together.
Hihi
Level 6
June 27, 2018
3
Remind me of Lucy & Ricky Ricardo. After they got divorced, she kept on saying in the best "Lucy" style there was...."Oh I love him !!.. I just cannot live with him"
UUNJ:
Exxxxxxactly.
I still love my ex boyfriend......but sometimes loving someone = not loving yourself so much, so this time I choose to love myself.. he can go to hell!!!!! LOL
Just who is out there handing out all these eyeball needles? We should find them and stop them before we have an epidemic of blind people.
You're on to something here . There are different kinds of love . Love for a child , love for a leader of some kind , love for a parent , love , as you mentioned , for a pet , love for a famous person , perhaps a singer or actor , you may even feel love for a place . What do all of these have in common ? What is it about all these different things makes you love them ? I know this sounds backwards , but we feel love , attraction , if you will , for those that make us feel good about ourselves . I saw another post on here about cold bedrooms . People who are in a relationship , but aren't having sex . They can't seem to understand that when the person they're with does not feel good about themselves , because of the way their partner is treating them , they have killed the love , the attraction .
Cast1es
Level 9
June 26, 2018
2
Brilliant post.
I saw someone lamenting that they "figured out" that ppl were attracted to them because they must make people feel good. Uhm, wth is wrong with that?
I don't have a problem with people feeling that way about me! LOL
I WANT those whom I love to enjoy being comfortable in my company! Duhr.
I have no idea! I get them mixed up all the time
HeraTera
Level 7
June 26, 2018
1
That is easy to do sometimes but life is meant to be lived and if you don't take some risks regrets will develop!
I think when you are with the right person, you feel a sense of calm. The excitement that we crave is confused with love but it is something else entirely. Love should not hurt or make you anxious. It should strengthen you.
I also strongly believe in the right to let people be free if they are not supposed to be in your life. You can love someone but not try to possess them. If you pressure them into being with you, you are not loving them. You are treating them like an object.
Hihi
Level 6
June 26, 2018
3
Yes! Love can not be chased, forced or controlled because it is not a selfish want it is a precious gift that is given freely.
I think it’s important to know how you define true love. Is compatibility and friendship enough? Do you also want passion? Shared values? Shared life goals? It’s not as simple as emotions or sexual desire only.
UUNJ
Level 8
June 26, 2018
1
Yes there are many different types of love. Your love for a family member, friend pet or even a place or activity. Since this is a dating site I want to know how people express how their attraction becomes something more! For me passion must be a mutual aspect of healthy relationship.
UUNJ:
@MrSustainable I wasn’t referring to familial love. Infatuation can settle into companionship—that’s OK for some but not for others.
When you’re totally comfortable, and they are too. Past the nervous shit, beyond sex.. It’s when you feel complete. Stumbled onto that at a gathering Saturday night ..fuck - are they all married 
Varn
Level 8
June 26, 2018
1
UUNJ:
It does suck to be attracted to partnered people. Hands off those folks, unless they are into open relationships!
Loving relationships work best when we add a certain spirit, an attitude of goodwill. I wouldn't know a grudge if it mugged me. To love is an action verb that includes:
hanging in there through ups-and-downs;
enjoying each other's company;
growing together;
teamwork;
problem solving;
having fun together;
tender touch and sex;
being supportive;
overlooking foibles and annoying habits; and
laughter and conversation.
LiterateHiker
Level 9
June 26, 2018
3
Exactly! Love is not selfish it is needed to become a long term partnership!
Only time can tell. Infatuation fades; love lasts.
CarolinaGirl60
Level 8
June 26, 2018
3
The fact that love needs time to grow is why it can be so fleeting and scary because we invest ourselves immediately with only a hope that it will be real!
Varn:
@MrSustainable I think when it’s right - it’s instant ~
@Varn It might instantly feel great, but it needs to KEEP feeling that way over time. Infatuation can be heady, but it never lasts long.
Varn:
@CarolinaGirl60 No.. I can tell, without ‘feeling.’ The chemistry that confirms there’d be a lot of exchange before any bodily fluids. It’s rare, but it’s there ~
Varn:
@CarolinaGirl60 ...feels like I should expound.. At my age & stage, that’s the only ‘feeling’ I’d pursue. It’s why I’m so reckless around here. Did the marriage/ husband/ father stuff.. Did the romance, too. Where I’m at feels so good, I’ll only share it with the real thing. Outgoing, I meet women, but it’s not a conquest thing, or a need.. It has to be real, and as mentioned, I find that to be nearly instant. I’ve experienced it twice in the last year, both married.. Dang ~
@Varn I’m glad you do. I have serious trust issues, so I now take it slow. I’ve found I can’t trust myself, and that ‘in love’ feeling. I understand that’s MY problem to work on. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to trust again.
Varn:
@CarolinaGirl60 I understand the trust concerns.. The ‘romance’ I mentioned was with a BPD individual, and likely a reason I put some serious distance between where I was - and where I’m at... What I’ve had to re-confirm is the uniqueness of people, and that ‘a good one’ can blow away a bad one 
UUNJ:
Those hormones, though... Dopamine acts like cocaine in the brain.
How about you give it some time being around that person without getting into their pants and you will know.
Jolanta
Level 9
June 26, 2018
3
Yes! It takes time to develop trust, understanding and compassion. How well a couple can express who they are and how they feel will speed that process up only if they are both genuine but passion can be uncontrollable!
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