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My daughter has taken a liking to my ex's new boyfriend. It really tears me up inside. I don't feel like there's enough therapy to get me through this.

MFAtheist 7 July 10
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11 comments

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1

I kind of get it. My ex's ex girlfriend did all kinds of fun things with my kids when she and my ex were together. She had more money than me, better paying job and an older child who babysat my kids. I gave up several weekends with my kids so they could do things with she and my ex. But...it made my kids happy. So, I sucked it up.

I finally let it go. Took a while, but I let it go. I have no words of wisdom. I know it sucks. At some point it may not suck so much.

Thank you. It's just a bunch of feelings I have to go through, and come out the other side to make better decisions. It's rough, but it's just the way things are now.

2

I don;t think there is a limit on affection. Your daughter's affection for the new boyfriend has not taken away the love she feels for you. How your relationship continues will depend on how much you choose to be in her life.

1

If a 3 year old likes someone then that's good news. Kids don't know prejudice, they only reflect if they are being treated as they deserve or not.

1

Ugh, I can't imagine. My heart goes out to you....

1

The following assumes she likes him as a"dad" figure. ONLY. Trying to come between them will likely blow up in your face. Consider how her life would be if they hated each other. And yours. My youngest from my first hated my second wife and it was not good for anybody. You have to work at being a dad who could be replaced, so treat him well,say nothing bad about him and keepon keeping on.

1

Certain things are beyond our control; giving up the attachment to solving the problem (externally) will allow you to move on with the rest of your life. Of course this is not easy, but one can recognize, when the preoccupying thoughts/feelings come up, that you have the power to shift your attention.

soquel Level 6 July 10, 2018

That has been my constant struggle. My daughter helps with that more than she knows because no matter what horrible moment or feeling I'm going through, she still needs her dad.

5

As much as you may not like hearing this, you cannot control how your daughter will feel about your ex's new boyfriend. If they stay together as a couple, your daughter will eventually create her own relationship with him. Key to remember is that it will not be the same as yours with her.

My parents divorced when I was three and my mother got custody. So all of my memories of my dad were of him as a part-time figure in my life. It did seriously affect our future relationship, because I never knew him as all encompassing dad. Just someone I visited. To be honest, he didn't try overly hard to keep connected to me.

My wife had a multi-year affair when we were married. I found out about it but chose to stay married long enough that my daughter would always know me as "Dad". And then, I chose to create the best possible relationship with her that I could. Any opportunity to see her, I took. I was at all her school functions. When she was with me, she was my focus. I was her biggest cheerleader and encourager. See, I may not have been able to be there constantly , but I made sure that the time I spent with her - both her and I saw it as special.

My ex eventually married the guy she had the affair with, so he became her step-father. AND they did create their own relationship - separate from what I had with her. It ate at me for a while, but I saw that she really did love me. I was that special person who was "DAD"!! I just kept it up. I kept being the best I could be for her and I hoped that one day she would understand.

She is 25 now. We have an amazingly close relationship. I was even able to share with her how I was jealous of her step-father; that he got to be there all the time (I had her about 1/3 of the time after the divorce). She said the most amazing thing to me: "You know I love him and I know he loves me, but it is not the same as how I love you. We can talk about anything. You have always been there for me. No matter what my dream was, you supported me. You bent over backwards to give me everything you could. I do not believe we would be as close as we are now if you had been there everyday of my life. Our times were always special. I always got you at your best."

Don't let jealousy override your love for your daughter. Embrace her and be the absolute best father you can be to her. This is what she will remember.

Thank you, man. I can't say that it's easy; I wouldn't even really know what I'm talking about yet because it's only a few days into this drastic change for everyone. I can say that there's a lot less distraction when we have our tea parties or color and paint together. I'm trying to find whatever I can enjoy of this as of now and I'm just hoping that the rest of the gray skies start clearing up.

@MFAtheist Remember, you will get through this.

1

Feel for you. As a father or a boyfriend? Hard to watch.

I'm assured that I'm not being replaced, which is hard to hear from someone who hasn't always been honest and/or direct. I have to take it all with a grain of salt.

1

It is hard.

There is enough therapy.

And, there is your good faith efforts to make sure your daughter doesn't ever feel or hear about your strain and struggle with it.

1

Wow - talk about complications ... good luck with that.

Thank you.

2

I'm sorry, that's always tough. I always try to remember that it's another person that loves and cares for my kids. Unfortunately, it doesn't get easier.

Kanda Level 5 July 10, 2018

Yea, I don't imagine it will. I think of it as she'll be happy wherever she is, and that's the most important thing, however much that stings me.

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