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Pope Francis Admits ‘Like 97%’ Of Past Church Leadership ‘Probably Burning In Hell’

[theonion.com]

VATICAN CITY—In a historic admission of the Catholic church’s complicated and often shameful history, Pope Francis admitted in an informal public statement Thursday that “like, 97 percent” of Catholic leadership are “probably burning in hell right now.” “Believe me, contemporary Catholics are quite familiar with our legacy of murder, rape, cultural exploitation, and thievery on every scale from splitting up South America for silver rights down to just stealing stuff—make no mistake, most of those holy men were simply terrible people who deserve to fry in their own considerable fat for eternity,” said His Holiness, who took time during an informal lunch meeting with interfaith leaders to deliver a capsule history of manifold crimes committed by Vatican higher-ups, complete with a running commentary on the church’s long tradition of manipulating and mistreating its devotees. “Keep in mind this was just the stuff they did to other Catholics—at least, they were Catholic when those vicious scoundrels were done with them. Well, they’re paying for it in searing pain and screams now. Oh, and if someone wouldn’t convert, or couldn’t be converted by force? That’s when we get into Crusades, the Inquisitions, Spanish and others, the name of Christ invoked in the slaughter of native peoples, which is why their eyes will forever boil from out of their roasting skulls. I mean, it was Hitler who forced Jews to wear the yellow star, but centuries before that, Popes enforced dress codes for non-Christians. There’s no way those bastards aren’t being flayed alive by demons in hell right now.” Pope Francis, observing a recent tradition, declined to comment on the church’s multiple ongoing child-abuse scandals.

OlderMusicGeek 7 Aug 2
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4 comments

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1

Ha! Guess nobody's footing the bill on those indulgences.

1

I like that but in his saying of it he also seems to be denying that they could be in that purgatory place that his organization also believes in.

2

Gotta love the Onion.

0

That is actually a delightful mental image of priests and popes burning and writhing in the fires of hell.

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