I have to apologize to my friends here...I've been MIA for too long...and I've got no good excuse beyond the fact that my life isn't working out right now, and I'm rather a pill about it, mostly from frustration...BUT, I am trying not to let it get me down too much, and I need help with that...got any funny stories or jokes?
Fun for Valentine's day for single women; run into fancy restaurants all over downtown, stand in the doorway and scream, "I KNEW I'd find you here..you CHEATER!"
Then run out again.
OK, so this is more of a fable than a joke. So there is a teaching moment in it but I still find it funny as well.
In the forest there is a little bird, all safe and happy in its nest. It is singing and dancing because the sun is shining and there are few clouds in the sky. As it dances, it trips and falls out of the nest, landing on the forest path below. It can't really fly and its parents are out looking for food, they may not even see the poor little bird down here in the forest leaves. As time goes on, it gets colder with the setting sun. The little bird is starting to wonder if it will ever get home. Along comes a cow, walking down the path in a slow methodical manner, chewing its cud. As it passes the little bird it takes a dump, as cows do, and the large dollup lands directly on the little bird. The little bird is pissed..damn cow, how dare they not notice a poor lost bird and help them moreover they took a dump making it smell of poop everywhere.
Well after a few minutes of intense rage, the little bird starts to feel warmer. It still stinks but at least he won't freeze to death. This thought makes the little bird very happy. It starts to sing again, feeling lucky that at the dodged bullet and sheer dumb luck of falling out of the nest. A wolf hears the birds song and comes along to see what's going on. The wolf sees the little bird in the poop and pulls him out, cleaning it delicately with leaves until all the cow poop is washed away. The little bird tells the wolf how thankful he is for the bath...and the wolf eats the little bird without further ado.
The moral of the story is that not everyone that shits on you means you harm, and not everyone that pulls you out of the shit has your best intentions at heart.
Warning. It is an adult joke, there is simulated animal sex in it so please don't read further if that was not the kind of funny you were interested in.
Once upon a time an elephant was walking through the jungle when it stepped on thorn. Normally thorns aren't a problem but this one hit a sensitive spot between the toes and was really hurting. The elephant let out a sad sound and started crying. A sparrow came along and heard the crying, so he stopped. "Mrs Elephant", he said, "Why are you crying so?" The elephant responded that she had a thorn in her foot and it was painful. So the sparrow wanting to be helpful flies down and pulls the thorn out with his beak. With the pain subsided, the elephant thanks the sparrow: "That feels marvelous Mr. Sparrow, if there is anything I can do to thank you, just ask. The sparrow thinks for a bit then says cautiously, not knowing how this request will be taken, "I have always wanted to fuck an elephant". The elephant considers the request and accepts, maybe it will be fun. So the sparrow flies up behind the elephant and starts doing his thing. Meanwhile, unseen by the two, up in the trees is a monkey. Upon seeing the sparrow going at it, he starts to laugh and accidentally knocks a coconut out of the tree. The coconut falls, hitting the elephant on the head. "Ouch" exclaims the elephant. "What?" asks the sparrow, peaking out from behind the elephant, "Am I hurting you?"