I'm probably being nitpicky when I ask this, but how come people who say that they "live for their child(ren) ", they don't get as much flack as someone who lives for love or being in a relationship with someone? In my case and in general, people are told to get their shit together before they can date someone, but how come that isn't a qualifier for bringing a new life into the world? ? Does this question hold any weight?
These days women who want to be in romantic relationships are shamed over it. It's like it's inappropriate to want to have love and share life with someone. It's needy , co-dependent, and means "you don't love yourself". And of course I always hear how my married or attached friends "wish they could be single again" like me. All while they plan their three-day weekend in a mountain cabin with thier men. The bitches.
When they are infants you almost have to live for them. They are entirely helpless and dependent. Eventually you have to start preparing them for a place in society by teaching them how to take care of themselves and get along with others. I think of that as living for them and for community, of which I am a part. It would be ideal if everyone got their shit together before having children, but that also requires support from family and society and not everyone has that. Living for a relationship or an individual would be fine I guess if you feel safe and fulfilled. But for me personally, it left me dependent and vulnerable. The partner may become controlling, abusive or resentful.
Everyone knows that a parent has the responsibility to raise and provide for their children. I agree with you that not all people should be parents. Sadly, vetting/screening/testing potential parents isn't the answer. People who choose to become parents need to own that responsibility, period. The thing that bugs me a little is parents (mostly women, in my experience) who have this self-righteous attitude about it. I would give my life for my children, but I don't lord my parenthood over my friends. People know I love my kids based on my actions, not my words.
People who become bonded to their children, usually at their birth, will do anything for them and think their babies are superior to all others.
This happens most often with home births where women hold and nurse their newborns immediately after birth, but is often missed when women are drugged in hospitals during birth.
It's normal to keep loosening the parental controls as the children mature, but many people try to keep their children under their thumbs even when the children should have long been independent in most areas, and some mothers try to live through their kids, failing to develop friends, interests, and have work beyond the home.
Not having children or a relationship, I think people still need to get their
shit together just to be a productive member of society.
It would also be exceedingly helpful for people to have their shit together
BEFORE entering into a relationship, OR bringing new life into the world.
Good rule of thumb: get a houseplant. If you can keep it from dying for at least
a year, you can level up.
Regarding having "your shit together" to validate being a parent, that's the major reason people have abortions. People aren't ready. Having your shit together to date, is just considerate. You can't expect someone else to fix your life. Once the choice is made to have children, children can not fend for themselves. The "relationship" side sounds like codependency to me.