Would like your opinion on this...there's a nurse I work with who basically hit on me at work. He's married. Im not interested but see him as a comrade as I do all my coworkers so it came as a shock. First he added me on facebook...which is fine, others have done the same. Then he became more chatty. Then a few days ago I noticed he touched my shoulders while talking to me and also once on my waste with one hand ...I noticed it but decided it was nothing weird or something others have done at one time or another so I forgot about it. Then the next day I asked him to waste a drug with me and he said, for you Id do anything. Then the next day in the OR during a case he just basically says to me...the pants you wore into work this morning made my day keep doing that. I turned bright red. I workout after work so I wear my workout clothes to work then change into scrubs. I found myself explaining this to him and embarrassed, ashamed. I said I wasn't wearing that anymore. He said no please do. That's why I sit by the scrub machine every morning eating breakfast. At this point I didn't know he was married. But I did feel uncomfortable. I laughed it off and tried to make a joke of it. I mentioned it to a female coworker who told me he was married with 4 kids. I was really kind of shocked but decided to pretend it never happened and avoid it in the future. Went home. Then he started messaging me...nice way to end the shift with you and other flirty things. I confronted him that he was married. He said...so can't a man give a woman a compliment as a friend? then he wanted to know if I would be attending the going away party at a bar for a scrub tech sat night. asked me twice if I would be there, said i need to start hanging out with my work family. I did not go. Im not sure the correct way to deal with this. I don't want to be weird or make a problem or anything bc i have to work with this person. I work at a small facility and we have a very close work family. Im hoping it doesn't ever come up again but if it does....how do I address it appropriately without creating tension?
I would suggest that you be absolutely honest about your feelings and explain to him the situation just as you did on here. If he doesn't respect that, then he is not a good person...you can't blame him for trying, but you can blame him for persisting..
I'm sorry to hear that you have to endure that?. This type of guy will not understand normal communication - you'll need to do something dramatic for them to get the hint. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS LETTING THEM DOWN SOFTLY. They're on the predator spectrum.
The next time something happens, please start to cry - you don't have to be loud or hysterical just visibly disturbed - then walk away without saying anything. When you return to your station, avoid him, try to stick with someone else. He will seek you out and ask what's wrong or what he did. He knows, but he'll ask. Use that as your ONE time explaination that the style of communication you've been experiencing makes you feel very UNSAFE and that you can only tolerate professional communication from him. If he starts to downplay his actions, mention that you've reviewed HR policies and you will seek HR AND law enforcement help the next time he does any flirtatious action. He'll try to downplay the situation maybe make you look silly, but hold to your guns. "You have no idea what I've been through! This is a place of work, so I expect to be provided a safe work environment or I will take action."
Unfortunately, this kind of guy is like a puppy dog. You can let him down softly with a head rub. You pet him even once and that'll get his tail wagging. From now on, he's permanently in the dog house. If you are the type to care about his feelings, think about the 'confusion' you could be putting him through, if you don't take quick and decisive actions (AKA playing games). Block him on Facebook immediately. Don't stare at him, don't comment on his jokes, don't compliment his work ethic - he has already demonstrated he's not good at determining what is too much, and he will reciprocate too far. Whatever delusion he has in his mind will fade, but know this - the second you slip up he'll be back in fantasy land. SHUT IT DOWN. Your eyes should exude blizzards.
Women hit on me all the time. One student told me she loves me. I just ignore the passes and move on with my life. They are adults, they know it's not appropriate. What else can you do about it? There's nothing to say. Since I ignore it, they know that I'm not interested and the passes stop after a while.
I hate to have a sexist viewpoint in this regard, but men have the potential to be more of a danger when they are the culprits and this type of action is not deterred immediately. I'm very friendly, considerate and thoughtful (as I've been told), and my actions have led to some CONFUSION. In several circumstances, I failed be clear when someone expressed affection for me, because of my own story that I hadn't begun sharing and it led to headache and much heartache. Unfortunately I wasn't a fast learner, because I went through it a few times, before I realized I had to be extremely clear about the possibilities of a relationship. Still, through it all, I never was in a position of danger (though I felt harassed at times); women tend to be more likely to be victimized/harmed in these scenarios.
When you're a woman, sometimes just ignoring it escalates the situation. Also, in addition to the creep factor of a man crossing the line to being inappropriate, there is the threat of physical danger - seldom considered by men who get hit on, but ever-present in the mind of any woman.
57 comments and counting. Maybe someone already said this. Why can't you tell him to his face you are not interested and be done with it? Harrassment continues then plan B but until then....
I think because most of the comments assume this guy is a pig, instead of giving him the benefit of a doubt. When she said, "First he added me on facebook...which is fine, others have done the same." I assumed the attention was mutual. I guess if he had not been married with four kids it would have not been a issue.
@MarkF I agree completely with your observation on jumping to conclusions too fast and calling this guy a pig, when in reality we don't really know. Now, thinking out loud, I would say she is asking for external feedback to find validation because she may not dislike him and she doesn't know which way to go. Of course, I could be wrong because back to square one, we don't really know.
Well he's definitely trying flirt, I suggest just keeping your distance. It would probably be the best way help end things and not cause any problems
What a slug. The administrative route is secure, but can make certain situations worse. Be clear that you're not interested. Don't entertain flattery. If you're trying to be conversational, maybe bringing up his family with questions that force the embarrassed idea of answering for his wife might help, but doubtful. I chuckled at the comment of getting a dick pic for his wife. I don't know. Maybe give him a warning that if he doesn't stop, you're going to report it. At least that's up front, giving him the choice to back off our face consequences. Also sends the message you're not to be trifled with. But you have to follow through. Document everything. Any way you handle it, be careful. Sometimes things don't turn out like you expect. A situation I was in, my employer reprimanded me because I spoke back. Anywhere else in public, it would have been a crime. Nothing like blaming the victim. Even in a corporate setting with harassment policies. Outside work, the law applies, inside.... who knows!?