Agnostic.com

34 7

I am coming out to my boyfriend tomorrow! Any advice?
We have been dating for a year and I was religious going into this relationship. I think it’s only fair to him to at least be honest because that’s what I admire about our relationship. He isn’t extremely religious but he is a Jehovah’s Witness and so is the rest of his family. We never really discussed religion even when I was religious; we respect each other’s beliefs and this makes me think nothing will change between us after. However, I don’t want to say the wrong thing. Anyone have advice?

By chlorine4136
Actions Follow Post Like

Post a comment Add Source Add Photo

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

34 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

8

Tell him you cheated on him. Then after the shock passes, tell him you were joking, and that you're just an atheist, not a piece of shit.

Should soften the blow.

Great advice.

4

at first i thought you meant you we're going to tell him you're a lesbian....

Haha I probably should’ve specified ?

@chlorine413 I thought so too. Maybe it would have been easier to tell them that first and when they are all in shock you could slip in the atheism part. Then you could say the lesbian part wasn't true but the other part was. A little reverse psychology. Worth trying. Lol.

@jsbach maybe ?

4

My atheist daughter had the most in common with the Jehovah's Witness kid in school, as they were often "left out" of the same events and marked "outcasts" by the teachers. So, you might get some respect for coming to your own conclusions and sticking to them, while respecting those who still have their beliefs. Good luck to you. Whatever you say, make sure it's with kindness. It's wonderful that you have honesty in your relationship.

Julie808 Level 7 Nov 22, 2018

Thank you ❤️

Yes my daughter had loyal JW and Black friends due to her famous Atheist MR Mom dad 32 years ago...white xian girls would wave their baptism certificate at Courtney many cruel kids called her devil worshipper. ..she is happily married and a great job as library scientist now

4

❤️❤️❤️

Thank you so much for sharing this ❤️

You bet. Good luck!

The truth will set you free!

3

Always be honest what ever happens. I hope he cares enough to appreciate your honesty and will be strong with you as this is the most important thing in any relationship.

2

Congrats on taking the courageous step in coming out.

The best thing to lower anxiety would be to admit, "Something has been on my mind. It might be a difficult conversation, and I don't want to say the wrong thing, but I might. Would you be willing to listen?"

With any luck, he will be so glad the topic is not breaking up or having kids that he will be ecstatic at the topic. ^_~

I highly reccomend Dave Barry's The Ultimate Guide to Guys if you need a good laugh.

As someone who has been in a mixed marriage for 10 years, (he's religious, I'm not,) I can speak to having some difficult conversations along the years. And how you get better at it with practice.

You even get some good stories along the way.

Let us know how it works out, if you're comfortable sharing. Cheering for you, C.

Congratulations upon your loving diplomatic mixed marrage. ..hope the young woman learned your skills with a believer in her life

2

Good luck.

Thank you

2

I think the most important part is "just saying it". Of course it's difficult, and you'll have a lump in your throat or something but ultimately the difficulty of saying it will never subside until you do. It's like a Band-Aid. You just gotta rip it off. If you wanna practice try writing out your thoughts with a pen on a piece of paper in cursive. Printing takes too long. Don't focus on writing neatly. Just let your words flow. Then, when you're done, you'll have already said it once. What's more-it was written! You wrote those words. There's a lot of power in writing. Sure, it's not etched in stone but you still inked those words into paper. And now that you've declared it once you can do it again. Or you can mail the declaration to your boyfriend's work. If he can't read it, he'll come home and ask about it and now you have a scenario where it's just the two of you talking. Or he'll read it and hell ingest it.

If you're worried about how he'll perceive you, all I can say is this-if he truly matters, if he truly values you as a person and not for whatever deity you may subscribe to, it won't matter that you don't believe or are questioning. He'll still love you for you. If he doesn't, well then you know he wasn't the one, and even better, you got out of the relationship sooner rather than later

2

It's probably important to bring up at some point, sooner rather than later. If it's a problem for the relationship, it would make things worse if you take further steps to deepen the commitment.

I've taken to telling my friends and family who believe and knew me to be a strong believer once that "I don't think anyone's there". Some will accept it, some will challenge you about it...it's never an easy thing to do, you never know for sure how anyone will respond, but you have to be true to who you are. Nothing worse than being trapped in a life pretending to be something you're not.

2

The advice that I've heard about this...

  1. Casually, mention non-believers in other conversations to register his feelings about them before you tell him.
  2. Try not to make it a Big Announcement. "Coming out" puts a lot of pressure in the moment. When it feels okay, you may be better off saying something more like "I'm not sure I believe that either."
  3. Avoid labels. Myself, I'm an atheist, but both "atheist" and "agnostic" can be loaded terms giving the person the wrong idea because they have preconceived notions of what those words mean.
  4. Remember that this can be seen as deception by him so brace yourself. "Not that religious" people can suddenly become more religious than you think when their world view is challenged, which is what you might be doing.
  5. There will never be a good time. It's always someone birthday, Christmas, your anniversary, New Years, Valentine's Day, first day of Spring, etc. There won't come a time when it's "just right" because there's always something...even if that something is how long you've waited to tell him.

I hope any of that helps. Good luck and remember you have a community.

Olnoseven Level 7 Nov 25, 2018

That does thank you!

2

How'd it go ❤️

Chooseluv Level 5 Nov 23, 2018

I couldn’t do it... it felt like I was admitting something I should be shameful about. Every time I tried to start the conversation I got this huge lump in my throat and every outcome, good and bad, hit me like a bus. I was terrified. I thought that posting something on here would hold me accountable but I don’t know what happened. I still do plan on coming out to him because we both deserve to be honest with each other.

@chlorine413 no shame, when you're ready it will happen. Maybe try talking about subjects close to it and see if you can naturally bring it up? Is he very religious?

@Chooseluv he’s not extremely religious nor is his family but they do believe in Jehovah and try to do their best in order to get to paradise. He only goes to church maybe twice a year so that makes me think he won’t start evangelizing to me when do come out.

@chlorine413 maybe don't rush it then, when it comes up organically then go with it.

2

If the family actually practices JW, welcome to being single again.

The family use to be really into it a couple years ago but now they are more laid back. I can count in one hand how many times they actually went to JW church this year. However, I believe they still like the idea of Jehovah and being in paradise with him so it really can go either way.

The really religious ones def won't date agnostic or atheists but some will try the conversion dating for a while before they walk away. It all depends on the level of devotion they have just as u pointed out here.

2

Whatever the outcome darlin, all my love and best of luck.

Sandy6767 Level 7 Nov 22, 2018

Thank you ❤️

2

Good luck, but from what you've shared it could go either way. I'm glad you have the courage to level with him and be true to your principles. If he can't respect that and your newly-revealed difference, then you'll have your answer about whether to stay with him. I've never been in a position like yours, so I have no ideas for what to say.

1

None. This is a tricky spot to be in

maxhyde Level 7 Dec 19, 2018
1

If our man is only attending church a couple of times a year don't worry about him being a JW because he's not. If that is the extent of his commitment just tell him and have a good laugh.

nevroy Level 1 Dec 2, 2018
1

Just be honest and tell him. Just don't say it in an adversarial way! Don't try to explain or justify yourself just let him know that that is how you feel. When people question me I just tell them that I am not superstitious. And that the whole foundation of God originated and very primitive societies to explain something that they could not understand.

Themyt1 Level 3 Dec 1, 2018
1

Be Honest, explain to him in a very reasonable and logical approach.
Take it slowly and don't surprise him.

1

How did it go? or did you do it?

glennlab Level 9 Dec 1, 2018
1

Don't be afraid, much like any other life reveal. It is probably not going to be a shock to people that know you. The fact that he was willing to date outside his religion tells you that he is not that into it. The same may not be true for his family, while they may be ok with him dating outside the faith, they may not be ok with marriage to an outsider or cavorting with a godless person.

glennlab Level 9 Nov 25, 2018
1

My mom was a jehova witness and she accepted it pretty well but I'm not sure how a spouse would. They have some very different kinds of beliefs. Best wishes when/if u do come out to him. Honesty and communication are what makes or breaks a couple so I wish u well with it and respect that u are gonna do it to be fair to him. Many people today are selfish and only care about their own interests so it's nice to see someone who is not like that. Feel free to message me if u have any questions about that particular faith and how they belief. I was exposed to the good and bad sides of them thoroughly so I might have some answers for any questions or concerns u would have. Once again, good luck and best wishes.

jorj Level 8 Nov 23, 2018

Oh yeah, the fact he is dating outside of the Kingdom Hall is a positive in your favor from what I know of the religion. Maybe he isn't quite as devout to it as some of the others and that is a plus for ya IMO.

Thank you

1

Tell him that the future is a strange beast as you never quite know whats going to happen but your love for each other is happening right now and that you will look out for him and share a heaven that you both can enjoy here and now. What ever may come you two will have tasted what true love is and leave this existence one day with no regrets.

Nardi Level 7 Nov 22, 2018
1

Be gentle if he's a theist. Just say it like you have been contemplating and doing "soul searching" and came to a decision type thing. You don't want him to feel you're putting him down. Best of.luck ❤️

Chooseluv Level 5 Nov 21, 2018

That’s one thing I fear is that he’ll take it personally or that since I don’t believe in a god then he’ll think I’m rejecting him in a sense. I just need to word things carefully and keep the attention on me that it has nothing to do with him.

@chlorine413 you both are 99% Atheist and you are 100% gawd = love. ..very scriptural. ..use true bible verses to ease him into you path out of faith into science Feminism and Atheism. ...your love for him is pure and he is one lucky man to be loved by you. ..give him lots of examples how you left beliefs behind ask him to share your truth journey for the rest of your lives together AND DECLARE YOUR CHILDREN if any will be scientific not Santa Claus believers

0

So how did it work out? Still with him, did you reveal to anyone else?

I told him. He doesn’t agree with me but he can still respect and love me for that. He said that he doesn’t love me for being Christian/ religious but he loves me for me. I think that’s the most important thing you can say to anyone.

I haven’t told anyone else but I do plan on telling my family when I’m more financially stable so that way I have a back up plan in case if I’m kicked out.

0

Do not risk your safety and love with honesty. ...believers are prone and programmed brainwashed to hate Atheists...you are likely to be blamed for his violence with the fighting words provocative Atheism equal to sleeping with another boy and imposing such a confession upon him unawares...get secular marital counseling to gently negotiate a future mixed marriage or continue the status quo safety

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text 'q:228517'.
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content read full disclaimer.
  • Agnostic.com is a non-profit community for atheists, agnostics, humanists, freethinkers, skeptics and others!