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Today is the one-year anniversary of my girlfriend's death. I have long feared this day, but it is proving to not be quite so bad as I feared, even with the impending holidays. Still, it is a quiet time for me, one of introspection and reflection.

I cannot say my love-life is in shambles, mainly because I don't HAVE one. I can't say this has inspired any misogyny in me, I am well aware that I am not the most promising of prospects, and I take full responsibility for this. So let's start with the immediate and most obvious turn-offs. For one, my teeth are...horrendous is putting it mildly. I blame a life-long addiction to Coca-Cola, and bad genes. It's actually one of my top 10 "to do" things: get new (prosthetic) teeth. But the cost is a bit of a show-stopper, here-even the cheap ones are pretty expensive, and that's not even counting the required oral surgery. Secondly, I am a life-long smoker, which is a "no-fly zone" for many ladies out there. Fair enough. I am also partial to certain intoxicants held in rather low esteem, mostly LSD and marijuana. I'm not going to argue about people's view on this, I'm not interested in changing people's minds, nor in their judgments.

Also, my age works against me, here (I am 57). The single women I think are an appropriate age for me (45-65, roughly) are, by and large, divorcees. I have zero interest in spending any energy convincing these ladies "I'm not your ex." For the last 37 years of my life, I have been good to the women I have loved, and I don't need to prove anything to anyone. It could be a while, and that's my problem to deal with, not anyone else's. Finally, Fargo, ND is not my kind of place. I'd gladly use any excuse to re-locate, but, understandably, other people are suspicious of my motives. But I'm also not going to move without a job. No one else is going to take care of me, so I have to think about my own survival.

I miss having love in my life. I miss the comfort of sleeping next to someone, having someone to talk about the little things with, and the sense of solitude that presses against me daily vexes me sorely. I miss the dance of love most of all. I have hopes that my next love will be somewhat more adventurous than my last two, but it's not something I insist upon. However, I am playful, and in this day and age, I would hope someone like-minded would not be too difficult to stumble upon. But...I have found that people talk a big game, but they rarely live it.

My life is not entirely devoid of women....many of my closest friends are women, and some of these friendships might raise an eyebrow or two. I don't care-I live by my own rules, and what society thinks is of no concern to me. Out of respect for these individuals, I will not mention them by name, but they are necessary to my heart. I have the satisfaction of knowing that, all in all, I give more love than I receive. I have little to apologize for.

On the plus side, it has been a time of unparalleled creativity inside. I am a songwriter and poet, and the dazzling speed at which these things flow out of me overwhelms me at time. I literally cannot write them down fast enough. I measure my attraction to a woman by what she inspires in me, as I have found this to be quite reliable.

I went to therapy for about 7-1/2 months. It was helpful, although I doubt I will ever be "cured" of my sorrows. They've just become light enough to bear. And sorrow and depression can pay an unexpected dividend: I feel such compassion for the broken people of this world. They and I are kin.

I am more grateful than any of you will ever know for this site. I feel safe here. I have mostly abandoned any thought of "dating" anyone through the site, mostly for distance reasons, but also because I am not, by nature, a predatory individual. I am a watcher. As such, the "community" aspect of this site is most rewarding to me. I like knowing what people think, and feel, and comparing it to my own inner world-view. It helps with my sense of sanity.

Also, some folks here are hella funny. And as a man with a rather wicked sense of humor, this pleases me immensely (an example: if someone tells me: "Go f%&k yourself", my natural response is: "Well, OK, but do you mind not watching, please?" ). I have seen enough to know what life is about. I never had any children (one of my deepest regrets, as one of my self-doubts as a person is exactly what kind of father would I be. Would I correct, or perpetuate the mistakes of my own up-bringing? I will most likely never know the truth of this), but I have seen and done many things. I no longer fear death's approach, but I am not quite ready for that final dance.

Overall, I give life a 6 out of 10. Could be better, but it will have to do.