Thanks for all the support over my father's death. It's sad to hear how common my story is because it's always felt like I was the only one. It's not anything I would wish on anyone. I couldn't really understand why I was afraid to be around him those few days before he died. I was never afraid of him so it puzzled me. It finally dawned on me I was afraid he would open his eyes and see me and that was terrifying to me because I feared to see that rejection in his eyes. I realized I've spent my life trying to avoid any chance of rejection. After his death, I felt a sense of relief that he could never do that to me again. Well, I was reading his obituary last night without thinking anything about it. It's online so people can leave stories on the page and was just wondering if anyone left any. No one had yet but when I was reading it listed his kids and included the spouses of his kids but I was not of course. I really wouldn't think they would but I just hadn't thought about it. It hit really hard though. It's just him getting in that one last rejection even from death. All this is coming when I'm already at the lowest point in my life. I really didn't need to relive all the childhood trauma around my father. It's not like these scars will ever leave, no matter how much you work on yourself somethings just can't be healed fully. I've come to peace with the man and even feel sorry for him. I let go of all the anger and hate but the deep sense of humiliation and being inadequate are feelings not so easy to shake off. Thanks again for all that have shared. I rarely talk about how I feel because I hate pity so please don't feel sorry for me. It does neither of us any good,