I read something recently that resonated with me..."The desire to be coupled in a codependent person can cause them to lower their standards and compromise because they don't want to be alone. This, in time, leads to them feeling even more alone in the wrong relationship and even further from their desired goal. " I know I do this...have done this before. And it has been the root of all of my mistakes. I don't want to be alone. I have never wanted to be alone. I hate living inside my head. I hate planning my life in solitude. I hate sleeping alone. I hate watching movies alone...have to force myself so that I can get my mind off life for a few minutes. But the more I am alone...the more I realize it's where I need to be. The more comfortable I get with "dating myself" the more satisfied I am by doing so. Miss company? No problem...I can easily find a date online and meet someone new. I also have friends and roommates to hang with and love doing so. Then there's my son who I can devote all my time to instead of on some random guy wondering why he has become distant or whatever. Miss being touched? Oh yeah...I can touch myself. I can take a hot bath and go get a massage. I can go to a spa. I can watch a sensual movie and masturbate. Or I can probably get laid if I feel like it too. I could even get pregnant alone if I wanted to bad enough. Had a rough couple of months...look hung over daily and gained 20 lbs? so what...your cat doesn't care and your yoga pants are perfectly acceptable to her. Go ahead and stop shaving if you want too. Vacations? I have a friend in Lisbon who wants me to visit like yesterday. I can vacation anytime i want and probably could find a list of friends who would go with me if I asked. Romance? Watch a movie. Remember times you had it in your life and be grateful for those even though they didn't last. Nothing is forever. Support system? Family and friends I make along the way...new ones all the time. Also there is nothing like the support you feel from yourself when you knock out a long list of "to do's" or weather a particularly rocky storm alone...looking back on it knowing what you just did and that you can do it again if you have to. No way to vent emotional baggage? Try running in the cold for an hour. You'll return physically drained and pumping with endorphins, all baggage left on the road. You know what's worse? Being with someone who makes you FEEL alone and doing nothing about it because you are afraid of what might happen if you do. This aloneness is golden. This is where it all starts.
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Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.**I admire your new found strength & independence as you move forward in mastering the visitudes of your emotional life; however, the synthesis of a relationship Versus anti-relationship viz no relationship, I feel, is to move upwardly to relationship of healthy Love where your partner and you function in resonance, and add to one another's life in phase not compromising one another...Such a relationship may take on a spiritual dynamic...my thoughts... You write some very thought provoking work - well done.!..please keep it up...Thanks...Ron...
Coron
Level 3
Dec 26, 2018
0
As I've said before and firmly believe, being alone is a fact but being lonely is a state of mind. A state of mind can be modified or overcome. Maybe not be easy, but can be done. You are progressing, by posing questions of your past and future behavior, obviously hoping to avoid repeating mistakes and elicit useful feedback. Your progress may feel slight at times, but a small thing might be the critical push you need. Onward!
alliwant
Level 7
Dec 14, 2018
1
If you can listen to Country music or play the song — I like Kenny Chesney’s ‘I’m Building A Better Boat’. Country music solves all problems perspective?
Shoulderwarmer
Level 5
Dec 14, 2018
0
When I listen to country music... It sounds like it is the cause of all problems! Yikes!
Listen to a rock ballad!
I am in the painful processof extricating myself from what seemed on the surface to be a wonderful relationship, but realized it is my same pattern of attaching myself to passive-!]aggressive withholders.
Where is the guy who wants to be equal Partners? Including going Dutch!
AnneWimsey
Level 9
Dec 14, 2018
0
I just read your post then looked at your profile. It occurs to me that going through a divorce is stressful and depressing for most people. I know this because I'm in the middle of getting a divorce. I'm back to living on my own. You may be living with roommates. Regardless, being separated from your partner is traumatic.
I would gently suggest that you be patient and extra kind with yourself. I personally had to see a therapist to get past most of my depression. Even though I have both my parents and 3 of my sisters for support nearby, I sometimes feel alone.
Hang in there.
Jay1313132018
Level 7
Dec 14, 2018
1
Varn:
@lauraleigh38 After ‘the divorce,’ we’re vulnerable, maybe it’s best we retreat.. But because it works, even helps, doesn't mean it’s a viable alternative. You’re young, you’ve many tomorrows.. Prepare for them. Let those of us with fewer learn to appreciate.. even hate being alone... Heal. From your postings ..he will have struck gold ~
I'd rather be alone than make the mistake of being with someone I "think" loves me. I can't be with a "weak-willed" man. I need a strong man.
I'm tired of always being the strong one. Nice and good girls like me always finish last. It doesn't just happen to nice guys.
Men think they can make a good girl like me second choice. Uumm.. nah!
SleeplessInTexas
Level 8
Dec 14, 2018
0
Speaking from my personal experience, not yours or overall in general, I assure you it's not a generalisation. More like an observation. And when someone else I trust here whom I respect also observes the same thing, it's not generalising or self-defeat.
I am alone but I am not lonely. I refuse to be in a miserable relationship just to have somebody. I am a decent person and whomever comes into my life will have to be a decent person as well. I do not want someone who wants to change me and I do not want to change them. That is what I decided after my last relationship. The person that is right for you is going to be someone that you will not have to compromise your values in order to be with that person.
noworry28
Level 8
Dec 14, 2018
0
So what are you going to do?
Jolanta
Level 9
Dec 13, 2018
0
@lauraleigh38 I agree. Why do you think that you cannot be happy if you are alone? I have always found that the happiest I am has always been when I have not been in a relationship. Being alone at times has tough me to love myself.
@lauraleigh38 Yes I can see you do. Do you think that you are emitting some kind of vibe that makes you seem "desperate"? I don't mean to be mean but sometimes we do and it is not helping us.
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