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Yuck, I had to send a "Dear John" letter to a lady I met online. I ignored too many red flags. When I woke up this morning I realized that not telling her would be cruel.Now I feel shitty.

Wangobango3 8 Feb 28
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12 comments

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1

Open and honest communication is always a good thing. You learn tact so feelings don't get trampled. You can't avoid feelings being hurt but in the end telling someone is better than ghosting.

1

It's never easy, but it's the decent thing to do. It says a lot about you that you will do the decent thing, even when it's difficult. That takes courage and compassion.

Deb57 Level 8 Feb 28, 2019
1

I understand feeling shitty but as others have said, you did the right thing by telling her. Also, you know better to look out for those red flags.

Best of luck to you...give yourself a break over this and know you did the right thing by telling her rather than ghosting her.

1

You did the right thing - you were honest, considerate, and wrapped things up, instead of vanishing.

Ya done good !

0

Don’t feel bad, you were just doing the correct, adult thing. Shit happens as they say.

1

Back when I was dating I had a few instances where I realized the other person just wasn't my cup of tea. I met with them face to face and told them although we had some enjoyable times getting to know one another, I realized we were just not a match and that I didn't want to go further into the relationship. All three of the men took it well. Glad you were honest with her. It shows you are a good person.

I wish more were like you...

2

All part of being a adult. I have never taken joy from breaking up, no matter which side of the coin I am on.

2

You did the right thing and you should feel glad about that. It is never an easy situation.

2

No matter how kind and careful you are in delivering a message, people feel hurt by rejection.

Your feelings are understandable. This will pass.

3

I’ve tried three ways to break off.

#1There’s ghosting: block them in every way then disappear. Usually these, turn out to be, or begin to show, creepy behavior that scares me into running. It can be tough to break it off in person or by phone, since they react with threats, name-calling, and worse. Even breaking up by text or email brings out the worst: they feel rejected, and the more toxic they are, the stronger the reaction.

#2There’s distancing, just being nice but making my disinterest plain. It gives them a chance to accept gracefully that it’s not gonna happen. That can work with a non-toxic person.
#3Then there’s the true ‘adulting’ way: explain in whatever way that it’s not working for me, enjoyed our time, etc, bye.

Too many don’t get that #3 IS the mature way to end things and react horribly. I’ve come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter, though the longer the relationship, the more I’d use #3.

@LetzGetReal I am very convinced that technology, like the net, which makes things convenient and impersonal, usually brings out the worst in people. Not that it's an excuse. Sort of how I feel about people getting drunk. It usually doesn't make them act different than who they are, it brings out more of who they really are.....

3

Beating yourself up won't make things better.

3

I don't think you should feel bad about it, although I know that's easier said than done. Even with red flags, nobody can be sure until you've spent a certain amount of time getting to know each other. And if you don't give it the time, you may miss a good thing. I think everyone who is in there trying (and I think all of us who are trying to date deserve kudos for bravery!) has to accept the fact that most potential partners don't turn out to be the match we're looking for. So hopefully she can take it gracefully and not be blaming about it.

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