My view of the Garden of Eden story.

This a completely simplified and basic understanding of the story of creation and all that. I want to clarify I have no real education in theology and I am probably missing some key details that might prevent me from fully understanding the story. For now, know I only consider myself familiar with the online adult store rather than the Biblical Adam and Eve.

So, here's my take.

Imagine I have some kids. I decide, being the loving father I am, to build a giant playroom for these kids, I put all the best toys and snacks in the room and I make sure that anything and everything the kids could ever want is available to them at all times of day. There's no gross vegetables for them to eat, no school, no bedtime, just whatever they want whenever they want it. Because I love them.

Now, in this room I also place a loaded gun on a table that is at the perfect height for the kids to reach and I also place a TV showing a fun cartoon where the characters play with guns and encourage the kids to do the same. I made this room what it is, I am completely in control of everything that happens in there. Nothing is there without my knowledge.

I tell the kids not to touch the gun and to not watch the show, but I keep the area with the gun well-lit and the TV very loud and always on. My design, my rules, my kids, I am the father.

I tell the kids to leave the gun alone, maybe once or twice, but then I leave the room and the kids behind unsupervised.

Eventually, kids being kids, the children, whom I love, decide to play with the gun and accidentally shoot the walls and break some windows. No one gets hurt, but, oh boy am I mad. Without giving the kids a chance to apologize or without even admitting I could possibly be at fault, I throw the kids out of the room and lock them outside of the house.

I force the kids to live in the backyard with no food or shelter provided. I forever remind them with how angry I am by turning on the sprinklers when it is cold and turning the flood lights on at night. I eventually buy them a puppy, but I quickly have it put down because it is meant to be an offering to me. The kids sacrifice something to me, in hopes that I will let them back into the playroom one day or at the very least, buy them another puppy.

Don't question my parenting, I am more intelligent than you are and you can't understand my reasons. Just know that it will make sense when you are dead.