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As a parent of a special needs child with ADD i get frustrated in search of ways to make my child act the way i want him to. Through my frustration to make him mind, I've actually contemplated telling him that if he doesn't act right then the boogie man will get him. But i just never felt that it was right to do this and thought i was taking the easy way out and it would actually be child abuse to do this.

Then it dawned on me that this is what religion does. It manipulates people with fear and is actually could be child abuse to make people think they will burn in hell if they don't do what the man in the pulpit says.

abyers1970 7 Mar 19
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11 comments

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Fear and greed are humanities great motivators used by all people, religions and governments. It is the way we work. What do you really want your child to fear or desire in this life?

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I'm more concerned by your phrase "ways to make my act the way I want him to."
The idea shouldn't be to make him act any way at all. The idea should be to guide him to acceptable or useful behavior.
My own with disabilities is 24.

Perhaps i didn't make my clear and i didn't want to get specific but i'm having issues with his bathroom behavior and failure to wash his hand afterwards and then get it on everything. I don't feel that is being controlling only wanting him to have basic personal hygiene. I'm not trying to control the way he thinks i just want him to do basic things.

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As a parent of a now nicely functioning ADHD adult son, I fervently hope that you are able to find help for you and your child to survive and flourish - despite having ADD... Life with a special needs child is challenging, but the more we understand about the physiology of ADD, the more we can work with it. But, yes, religion is a tool of manipulation. It works with a lot of people, but only if they believe in the rewards, AND have the ability to follow those controlling rules. This difference between adhering to a religion, and living with ADD is that no matter how much an ADD person wants to follow the rules (out of fear of retaliation, or in hopes of the reward), they do not necessarily have the self-control to do so. Good luck with your child!

It's not the ADD that i'm concerned about. My son is very smart. It's the bathroom behavior of not washing his hands and then getting crap everywhere that is very frustrating. He is 8 years old..

@abyers1970 - It is most likely the ADD causing him to be ready to rush off to the next thing to do (play or whatever) that makes him "forget" to wash his hands. People with ADD do NOT function the same way non-ADD people do; their brains process things differently, and usually at break-neck speed. It is probably NOT willful disobedience....

I had post-it notes stuck up all over the place (once my boy was old enough to read, thankfully many ADD people are rather smart), and had to change colors and locations often enough that each note was 'new', and would catch his attention. At 8 years of age he is only capable of so much, but with the ADD? He requires more supervision, more reminders, more hands-on time with you.

I do feel your pain, but I can assure you that it does get easier, and you will both survive this. Just remind yourself of a couple of things that our family counselor told me: you are not a bad parent, you are not causing or exacerbating problems. You love your child, and you will help him through his challenging life/childhood. It will all work out in the end if you exhibit your love and a LOT of patience!!

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Consequences my friend, consequences. Set them into motion and do stick to them. Hard at first but it works if you have the stamina.

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I watched a video posted by one of my friends on facebook that talked about a culture who never expresses anger and teaches their children not to. They said that to keep their children safe they tell them things like if they wander too close to the ocean, a sea monster will snatch them away. I found it an interesting perspective, lying to your kids so that you don't need to express anger to them. I personally am beginning to feel that expressing anger in appropriate ways would eliminate a lot of problems people have.

I couldn't agree more

Expressing one's anger is very healthy!!! As I used to tell my children (when they were younger) it is alright to BE angry, it is HOW you deal with it that is acceptable or not.

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And religion already has you covered with Honor thy Father and thy Mother. Just tell the boy if he doesn't mind GOD's command to obey you, he'll be sent to HELL to burn forever. That oughta do the trick.

You don't need the Boogeyman. He's a pussy compared to how evil god is.

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That's a great idea and I used something very similar many years ago. I'm sure I had ADHD as a kid and my son was diagnosed with it as well. He was a challenge to raise, we butted heads frequently, and he quit high school to move in with a crazy good looking girl at school. He later "cleaned up his act and got a GED and a BA degree. One of his most experienced teachers in grammar school told me kids like that who seem to be an extreme pain in the rear frequently grow up to be exceptionally charming adults and she was right.

OCJoe Level 6 Mar 19, 2019
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Extremely limit screen time with you deciding when and how long. I let my son have 2 hours that included homework time. Anything not completed in that time did not get an extension.

Lack of reliable boundaries makes kiddos anxious and leads to a lot of behavioral issues. You make decisions, don't need their permission.

Don't give rewards, but have them earn things. Rewards often backfire, they learn to get what they want want they have to be bad first.

Teach that no means no rather than "no, until you badger me enough I give in".

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My and other children respond exceptionally well by lightly touching their forearm while speaking. One student used it on the nephew she was raising and it was so successful that he never had to go on medication (her aim).

As ADD myself, my father just used a belt. Yes, threatening and abuse are both wrong--in parenting and religion.

The touching is very useful in that it can break their train of thought (if it is one to be discouraged or changed), and then they can be re-directed where desired.

Your mention of avoiding medication bothers me, and I do not mean to target your student, so please forgive me for speaking up... If a woman has hormonal issues, would it not make sense to replenish her system by offering hormones? If someone has a chemical imbalance causing problems, would it not make sense to offer medication to bring about a desired balance?

ADD/ADHD is basically a chemical imbalance that can and (in my opinion) SHOULD be brought to rights via the addition of the correct chemical. That usually means a medication, and I have seen too many incredible success stories to come even close to understanding why a parent would willingly withhold a potential life-correcting medication.. Perhaps it is the stigma of "medicating my child", or implying that they are less than perfect. The reality is that those ADD/ADHD people NEED that help, and it helps them live a better life!

@Rustee I agree if someone needed medication that they should take it. However, this student did exceptionally well with just touch. Medicine was not on the table yet. It didn't seem as if the natural mother had followed up when raising her son. (It was about 15 years ago.)

@EllenDale - thanks for your response! Medication is not indicated for all ADD/ADHD, but I have run across far too many people who dismiss it as an option without considering how helpful it might be.

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Both of my boys are on the spectrum. It is very frustrating trying to be a good parent all of the time. My situation is a little unusual as well. My wife is very off-hands with regards to the children. She lets me do all of the parenting and doesn't want to be involved. So no meetings with teachers, no homework help, no practicing or taking them to music lessons, no doctor appts or dentist...it's like I'm a single parent. That said, I love my wife and see that a lot of it is cultural. She grew up in China where the husband or the grandfather does all of the child rearing, so I don't mind all the time.

I've found restricting the things they really want to do until they've finished the things I need them to do first is the best way to handle just about everything. I also describe situations in detail before we go do them, preparing them for what's to come.

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I have two sons; one with ADHD and the other with Asperger's. Raising them at times was a challenge. My boys are now 40 and 29, so it's been a while since they were little. I can say they both grew up to be responsible adults even with my less than spectacular guidance.

All I can tell you is to be consistent with what you say and do.

It's difficult because i do it by myself. My Ex is an addict and out of the kids lives so i think that is having a big effect on them

@abyers1970 I so understand that. I have a mental illness (Borderline Personality). One top of that I was essentially a single parent. We do what we can with what we have.

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