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I came across something on a dating site that touched me...

"Imagine meeting someone who wanted to learn your past not to punish you, but to understand how you needed to be loved."

And so naturally, the person who wrote this thanked me for reaching out but said she didn't think we would be a good fit because of her strong belief in God.
Nonetheless, I think it's a wonderful sentiment, and it's something I would love to find. I think everybody would. And I hope it's something I have in me to give.

By Paul47477
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It is the natural way to be in a loving relationship. I hope to find that kind of relationship again too.


So beautiful and precious. I agree.

In relationships, I've always given my significant other the love I've always wanted.

My significant other would have to hurt me without my permission first to make me stop loving him.

I would not purposely make my partner ever feel unloved or unwanted.

To me, witnessing my significant other feel loved and letting him KNOW he's loved makes me happy.

Even if he should not love me back, what matters to me is that I loved. Because in the moment of loving someone, I also loved myself.

That is wonderful.

I feel it's a circular thing in a good relationship, one builds off the other and reinforces the other's feelings.


It is a laudable sentiment but I have yet to see true examplars of it in real life.

mordant Level 8 Apr 16, 2019

It's a trap. Don't do it, in time they'll weaponize it against you.

Anonbene Level 8 Apr 16, 2019

@Anonbene I sure hope that it is a rare person that does that.

nope, it's quite common

@Anonbene Fortunately, in my experience it's a rare occurance. The magnitude of the effect made up for the rarity.


That's very cool of her. Many people won't even bother to reply. They'll simply ignore or block you. Which I understand because after talking to a few ladies they said they get just too many messages and many are vulgar.


Knowing someone's past gives me great in site about the person with whom I am interested. It is necessary for me in Love and Relationships.


As a person who steadfastly looks forward, moves forward - it's not the best platitude for me. Sounds sweet though.

AmiSue Level 8 Apr 15, 2019

It is a nice sentiment, but unfortunately in the online dating and offline dating, for that matter, my experience with sharing about the past is that, at least in the early stages, it is used only by the other person to vet you on whether you are worthy of them or whether they should reject you. It is not used to understand how you need to be loved.


It's a nice idea but I think people who are interested in understanding how you need to be loved are often able to do so based on where you are at and are very patient about allowing you to divulge what you want when you're ready.

@Meili Yes, definitely when you are ready.


That is a lovely sentiment.


"Imagine meeting someone who wanted to learn your past not to punish you, but to understand how you needed to be loved." My philosophy. I feel sometimes the other person feels uncomfortable worrying that I'm digging up dirt. After a few minutes of sharing my weaknesses, I think they get the idea.


Yes, and this is the only way to feel loved and give it too.

There's no love in holding someone's past against them. Everyone is the sum of all their experiences; every beautiful and dirty thing about them. To reject someone's past is to reject who they've become as a result of it. Sometimes that's a wise choice and in that case you move on. If you chose to stay, it doesn't mean you can't set your own boundaries or disagree, but everyone has different needs based on the life they've lived.

This is why it is so detrimental to a relationship to compare a current partner to a past one, or to anyone else.

Athena Level 7 Apr 15, 2019

"I think it's a wonderful sentiment, and it's something I would love to find."

As do I, and ditto.


If only everyone felt like that and acted accordingly. That would be nice.

Tinocca Level 6 Apr 15, 2019

But very few do. As I said above, most people use learning about your past only to vet you and decide whether to reject you or stay interested in being involved with you. All about self-protection and buying the perfect new shiny toy they are shopping for. Sorry if that sounds cynical, but that's how it seems these days.

@TomMcGiverin it may sound cynical, but it also sounds pretty realistic these days. Still would be nice if we all tried this nicer approach.

@Tinocca I try it, but it gets me nowhere... I'm getting pretty pessimistic about how many other people out there ever try this. Seems like everybody is very closed, critical, and totally selfish about the online dating process.....

Why would most people try this if being the other way, punishing and rejecting, works for them? Out of the kindness of their hearts? I think that is a little naive. It seems like nowadays, if you have the looks, like a 7 or above, you can get what and who you want in the online dating game without being kind, so that's why I get what I get from women. And yes, we all know it goes both ways. I get so fucking sick of having to add that so nobody rides in to be a troll and bash me for saying the rest of it.

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