@Fred_Snerd I was going to mention LSD, since it also brings insight. Oklahoma schools don't require drug testing for staff..yet. You'd have to get a doctor to endorse you for medical cannabis, and the application is $100 for Oklahoma, but only $20 if you are on Medicare.

Here in New Mexico, it costs me $30 a bottle for a month's supply of high THC Indicus cannabis oil (to kill cancer cells and stop pain), so it's cheaper than making the cannabis oil myself.

@Fred_Snerd "The policy adopted by the Oklahoma City Public Schools Board of Education on Monday shields any public school employee from adverse action should they hold a medical cannabis license. In other words, you won’t lose your job or the chance at a promotion because you consume cannabis for medical reasons. But teachers, administrators and all other staff cannot possess or consume medical cannabis at school or during school hours, regardless of whether or not they hold a license."

[hightimes.com]

@Fred_Snerd The policy I posted to you was only adopted on Monday.

@Fred_Snerd That's all I googled, but you can do so.

@Fred_Snerd you cannot realise pleasure without knowing pain, you cannot experience joy without knowing sorrow.

Limiting one side limits the other. Life isn't a plateau, it's a series of peaks and valleys.

@Fred_Snerd it's called how life works, and I hope it starts working for you.

Good luck figuring things out.

@Fred_Snerd I'm wishing it to you because I think you'll need it. Luck is shorthand for random events benifiting you.

@Fred_Snerd in my 56 I think I have also. Also, like you, I spent years with an ex that worked to destroy me. IT FUCKS YOU UP. I spent 5 years afterwards figuring things out for myself and at one point thought excatelly as you currently are.

After a particularly long and deep valley a stable plateau of consistent feelings/emotions/happiness sounds ideal. It isn't. It's stagnation, and it's really, really bad for you as a way of life. As a temporary shelter it's fine, and sometimes necessary.

Like I said, I hope beneficial random events help you to discover lifelong happiness.