A Roman centurion of the Ninth Legion, stationed in the north of Britania, was ordered to repair to Judea to collect from a famous Arab craftsman the Legion's new Eagle Standard that they were to take with them when they passed beyond Hadrian's Wall to teach the warmongering Picts a serious lesson. He was delighted with this assignment for it meant he would be able to celebrate his son's twelfth birthday at their favourite cafe situated at the foot of Golgotha.
After a journey of several tiring weeks and some life-threatening storms in the Mediterranean sea, the centurion finally arrives home. He books twenty guests into the XX Dry Skulls cafe then goes round the corner to the Imperial Brit Legion pub to meet up with some of his veteran buddies. After a few goblets of wine had been drained, Servius (for that was his name) turned to his best friend and comrade, Dubius Practicus, seeking help with a problem of some immediacy.
"Thing is, you see, it's my lad's birthday next week and I have no idea what to get him as a present."
"Easy!" declares Dubius, "get 'im a 'undred Christians."
"Nah," Servius replies,"got him a hundred of them last year and when they released the lions it only lasted for half an hour at the most. Not exactly value for money!"
"No, Servius," says Dubius," they're doing it different this year. They nail 'em up 'igh on a pole, cover 'em in tar and set 'em alight. They call 'em Roman Candles! Ha, ha, ha!"
"No, I want something that'll last longer than that."
"OK, 'ow about this, then. Hey, and the timing's just right! Next week they're going to nail up a couple of thieves and a leading Christian subversive - they reckon they might last two or three days. And the best part is, it's just at the top of this 'ere 'ill and it won't cost you a single drachma!"
And so it came to pass. The two thieves and the subversive were crucified and left to suffer until they died.
Servius took his boy to the top of the hill early on the third day, for verily, 'twas his birthday.
"Happy birthday, my son. Here I present to you two thieves and a subversive."
"But they're dead, Dad. You always get me rotten presents!"
The centurion's heart sank - but then he noticed a sign of life still remaining in the subversive.
"No, look! They're not all dead. That one, the Christian subversive, he still lives!"
'And he's trying to speak to me Dad - lift me up so I can hear what he is saying. Yes? Yes? What do you say?"
"Happy birthday."

It was late in the month of December when three gift-bearing kings secretly came out of the desert and entered the little town of Bethlehem, searching for a babe who had been born in a stable. Once located, they parked their camels, unwrapped their gifts and entered the dwelling.
"We bring gifts for the Holy Infant," announces the elected spokesman.
"Oh," says Mary, "isn't that wonderful, Joe?" She beckons them to approach the crib. As the leading king moves forward he steps upon the head of a rake lying concealed in the hay on the floor. The handle of the rake swiftly swings upwards and hits the king full on his nose.
"Jesus Christ!" exclaims the king, dropping his present of incense.
The stunned silence is broken when Mary says "Gosh, that's a nicer name than the one we'd thought up, eh, Joe? We were going to call him Fred - Fred Christ."

Jesus saves souls and redeems them for valuable cash prizes!

High up on the cross, Jesus calls out,"Peter!".
In the crowd, Peter cowers and does not answer.
"Peter!" Jesus calls again.
Peter continues to cower but a guy standing next to him recognises him.
"Hey, you're Peter, aint ya?"
"Not really." says Peter, squirming with anxiety.
"Look everybody, Peter's standing right here! Go and find out why Jesus is asking for you, you coward!"
Peter approaches the foot of the cross with trepidation, deliberately avoiding the scowling glances of the two Roman soldiers standing guard.
"Peter!"
"Yes, Lord, I am here. What is it?"
And Jesus looks down upon Peter and says "I can see our house from up here!"

Why did Jesus like Snickers? Because once he was nailed to the cross,he wasn't going anywhere.

On a podcast, I heard Penn Jillette explain why Jesus hates Easter.

Because the jelly beans keep falling through his hands.