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This is a poem that I wrote months ago, and I'd love some feedback on it. Anything that you can give me, I'd appreciate.

We live in a world
A world so cold.
So cold that nobody cares
If you're happy or sad
Living or dead

Or just dead inside.

It's hard to tell in this cold, cold world
Who's dead inside. Only the eyes
Can tell who has truly succumbed
To the apathy and resentment
That this world imparts on all of us

But who would care enough to pay attention?

Those who cry have not died yet.
It is those whose tears have long since dried up
That have truly died inside.
And now… Now they're just waiting…

Waiting until their body matches their eyes.

ErichZannIII 7 Nov 17
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2 comments

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Firstly, I'm not a poet, so any criticism I could impart would have little value. Non-poetic criticism isn't justified either. So, if I comment, it is unjustifiable and purely from my egocentric outlook on life. Your poem has a pessimistic outlook. True at times and reflective of your personal struggles with feeling like a blacksheep. Thanks for sharing. It takes guts exposing yourself.

1

I enjoy free prose. This is a nice and pithy piece, and I like that too. Aside from the suggestion silvereyes gave you, which is particularly good, you would do well to write for rhythm. This is a little hard to explain and is wildly subjective, so I'll just say, read your work aloud after having not looked at it for a couple of days. If it trips you up anywhere, reconsider word order and/or choice.

Good piece of work, Erich....

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