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Hello Agnostics! This is my first post here. It's a little long, but I hope it will help me find people who have had a similar experience. I almost feel as if I was better off before I wrote this, as the writing has brought out some emotions. Anyway, so here goes:

I used to love my mom, with all her flaws. I used to believe that love of family is unconditional. That was before I learned to question certain things about my religious and culturally imposed values. I've come to see that my mom as a bitter, toxic, hateful racist/anti-nonMuslim/otherist, who's number one priority is social status and appearances vs the emotional well-being of her children. She is manipulative. She thrives making drama, and if people in the family (her children or daughter-in-laws) are getting along despite her, she will whisper negative things to each person to stir up ill-will. She has destroyed the relationships between all my siblings. Only my faith made me turn a blind eye to her malicious behavior. I don't have the immorals of faith clouding my judgement anymore (I'm a budding militant atheist now). And now I hate her.

I have shunned her and have not spoken to her for 1.5 years. My sister lectures me "how can you turn your back on your mother? That bond is sacred." And I think about how my mother made the whole extended family ostracize my elder brother because he wanted to marry a woman from another religion. How everyone thinks it's OK when Muslim parents shun their children and cut them off when go "astray". I've seen what would happen if I come out to my mom as an atheist. Even my sister can't handle it and I hardly talk to her now. Somewhere along the way I just stopped giving a fuck about that woman I called mother. I fought for my family's unity for years... but now I just don't care. In my mind she's dead to me. My sister asks "what, you won't even go to her funeral?" And my answer is a cold, "No." Deep down I do want her to be gone from this world asap so we can all move on.

In any case, since I decided I wasn't going to let my mom fuck with me anymore I've been pretty OK since and haven't looked back. Yes, my sister is the one channel I've left open, and she can be very annoying, but I can handle her.

The increased difficulty I do face given my atheism and disconnect from my family is in meeting women who won't assume the worst of me if I shared this aspect of my life with them. It's one thing to have someone like me as a friend, but it is a red flag at least for the women I've met who've been potential significant others. It is probably because I haven't explored or hit if off with anyone outside my own background (Pakistani immigrant, raised in Karachi) that I haven't met more acceptance for my new stance.

I know what I have to do. I know there's other people who are or have gone through the same. I just want to connect with people who understand.

fractalthought 4 Nov 18
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9 comments

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1

Having had to deal with toxic relatives I feel for you. Good for you making a boundary and practicing self care.

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Wow. I'm from a religious family, but am not responsible for carrying as much luggage around as you are. I can relate to you, but not anywhere as close as someone from your own religious background could. Take heart in people accepting you for who you are rather than what they want you to be.

Thank you. You know I often hear another person's story and think the same, that wow, my pain isn't nearly as much as what this other person has gone through. In the past I'd be greatful to the god.. now I'm just greatful I guess.

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I cut my own mother out of my life 6 years ago (not for religion - we're a secular family) because she was toxic to my mental well-being. You do what is best for your own mental health.

GwenC Level 7 Nov 19, 2017
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I feel for you, man. My mother is a very religious, prude, sociopathic narcissist and my father is like her slave, its been a big inner struggle to get them out of my life and mind. Not to mention i'm super tall and i don't take kindly to overly emotional, logicless, unapologetic, or religious women. It uh... a'in't fuckin' easy, and sure as hell isn't PC.

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Ok... theres no rules in who we are, so you can hate her, love her, disown her, talk bad about her, and so on and so on. Bottom line is the control you've given her over your thoughts. You want acceptance and freedom to choose and your not getting it from her. This is tough. I can't tell you what you should do, i can tell you what i did to help me. I had proplems with my dad. I kept quiet knowing anything i said or done would not change him. I found the solution. Change me! It worked. I kept quite around him. Silence did the trick.

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I went something similar with my Mom. Back in October of 08 I had a major stroke. After surviving the stroke I realized I needed to make some major changes in my life. One of which was to stop acting like a hypocrite when it came to my mother. So for roughly the same amount of time that haven't spoken with your I did so as well. Then I finally realized that with all her faults she was still my mother and I love her so I contacted her slowly we began our relationship again. Roughly a year and half later or so I lost her to cancer and I don't think I truly ever got over it. All I can say is that she is still your mother and if you still love her then you should put in the effort to make her understand what she is doing to you. It won't be easy but I can say this it's well worth the effort.

I think that's the fundamental thing that makes me able to do what I've been doing. I don't love her anymore. I can't pretend to have the feelings I'm supposed to have, or to just do the things I'm supposed to do based on what I'm supposed to be feeling.

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I can't say I went through exactly what you went through, but I do get it. The only way I was able to look past, and forgive wasn't for ME as much. It was through feeling sorry for her. Realizing that you made it through the fog and she didn't. That, your a better person because of it. It helps the holidays. Take that experience and evolutionize it!

0

Just stay strong. You have to be who you are, no one else.

I’m finding it hard to find people to date as well. We just have a smaller pool to choose from.

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Just stay strong. You have to be who you are, no one else.

I’m finding it hard to find people to date as well. We just have a smaller pool to choose from.

Thank you for the solidarity! And thanks for reading my post. It means a lot.

Acceptance is a big deal. We can try to pretend it doesn’t mean much, but it is. ????

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