My wife has good advice on this sort of thing: "match their energy". They couldn't improve on ways to tell you to fuck off, beyond saying, "fuck off".

If it was your own child, you might make more of an effort to keep the door open, but even then, only for THEM to extend themselves TOWARD you. But for ex in-laws with a track record like that? Let it go.

Add a card for them to your pile, move on with life. If nothing else It might benefit your kids somehow, some day. It's worth 95 cents or however much a card and stamp costs.

I was estranged from my daughter for 20 years (long story). When we got back together she had an 18 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. Her daughter was mad at her because she was never told she had a grandfather (also, she never asked). When they came for a visit we drove everyone around the area and showed them things they had never seen. The grand daughter was looking at her phone constantly and the son was playi8ng games on the phone. My late partner offered to pay for her college (in return she asked the granddaughter send an occasional note saying how she was doing). The daughter cried and this gesture but turned us down. When my partner died nothing from the granddaughter (her mother came and helped). Too many kids these days are trapped in their virtual social network and don't seem to care.

perhaps send a postcard from the town y'all live in.

As I understand it...”crickets “ is US slang for silence, so you have been more that reasonable with your late husband’s parents and have made an effort with them without any kind of response from them. Your account of that very strange visit where they left you and your children standing after inviting you over is unsettling to me and speaks volumes to their hostility and antipathy towards all of you. I feel in view of this, and their silence when you offered help, it would not be unreasonable if you decided to stop “flogging a dead horse” because your relationship seems to be nonexistent. As your children are now adults, they should make their own decisions on whether to contact their grandparents or not, and whether or not they are rebuffed if they do is something that you cannot really shield them from I’m afraid. On the other hand it takes very little effort to send a card wishing them well and asking how they are. If you do this you will never have any reason to feel regret or guilt that you were the one who cut the family ties.

Neither. You ask us questions you should now begin to ask them....What is "crickets" ?? Might affect my advice knowing what you mean about that word. Do your children have any experience with other "difficult" people ? Is the cause of death of their father in anyway related to their grandparents? As adults they surely are strong enough to BALANCE memories of their dad and challenges of sickly old people now 60 miles away.....Maybe a short letter with a question or two about their confessed maladies can be linked to visiting their grandchild at a college event ? A play or concert or student union movie with a dinner or lunch to follow. Are they able or willing to become active grandparents? No need to remind them how poorly parents they were to a deceased son and grieving widow. Sorry they did not help you with your loss.....ask them about family stories of their forebears....something positive to pass down to great grandchildren.....there you have my hopeful advice ....open a labeled door to see if they want to wheelchair in

I have a similar situation with my daughter's paternal aunt and uncle, so I can appreciate your dilemma. But I decided that relationships are 50/50 (with minor changes in balance here and there), and family is more than those bonded to us through blood or marriage licenses. So I'd say let it go.