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Do people deserve to be loved even when they are not lovable and do some horrific things?

Jolanta 9 Dec 12
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It all depends on what you mean by "loved".

I don't believe anyone should ever be dehumanized / demonized for any reason. But I don't believe someone should be trusted who hasn't earned it, or has truly un-earned it.

A good example is my father-in-law. He deeply wounded my wife in various ways: emotionally unavailable, remote, unattainable, and insecure, he inverted the parent-child relationship, expecting his three children to parent HIM rather than the inverse. When his wife became mentally unstable, rather than protect his children, he looked the other way and permitted ongoing abuse AND neglect.

Does my wife trust him? No. Is she indifferent to him? No, although she matches his level of interest and no more. Does she hate him? She did, in ways, for a long time. Hate, after all, is just disappointed love.

What really helped my wife was to let go of her (perfectly reasonable) expectations of her father and her hope for a normal father's love, to see him as the broken man that he is, and to allow the relationship to function at a much-reduced level. Basically, two-sentence emails a few times a year. That's all he's capable of. It allowed her to let go of a lot of conflict and estrangement and pain. Of course, she does not permit him to emotionally abuse her, and he's very old and kind of unable to anymore if he wanted to. In short, she excused herself from the role of supplicant begging for love and approval from someone utterly unable to provide it -- while at the same time not being bitter or vindictive about it or inflicting needless pain in turn on HIM.

That's the balance I think we should ideally walk, when we're ready and it's safe to do so. I admire her for how she has handled it. I think she found a way to "love" her father without being abused herself. Obviously, this sort of rapprochement isn't always possible -- but when it is, it can provide a measure of closure and release.

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No

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I’ve watched reckless people throw away their lives, ending up in jail, prison, or dead. I’d say there are also people who throw away their opportunities to be loved. A mistake is one thing; a life of repeated mistakes can eliminate one's chance and opportunity for love.

Varn Level 8 Dec 12, 2019
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Love the one you're with! CSNY

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Do people actually "deserve" anything?

1of5 Level 8 Dec 12, 2019
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What are these horrific things you speak of? 😕 This post is too vague to give a clear answer. You mean did the likes of trump or Hitler deserve to be loved? Or is this more on a personal level?

It can be both. All our experiences with others are different.

@Jolanta Well in that case, before the horrific acts were committed then yes. Afterwards, it would be difficult, if not impossible, to love them. At least for me. Now whether they "deserve" that love from others is up to the other person and their capacity for forgiveness of cruelty and horrific actions from people. I cannot do it, but others are easily forgiving.

@demifeministgal It all depends on circumstances in our lives. How we are connected to that person. I think personally far too many people have rose coloured glasses when it comes to their children or someone they are in love with.

@Jolanta Yes that is what I mean too though. Even those close to me were not forgiven for the heinous crap they put me through. And if they died, it would be a relief more than it would be grief. I agree with people having rose coloured glasses with kids or family members. And excusing waaay too much that they would never excuse or rationalize away from friends or strangers.

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no one person decides who is lovable.......

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I don't think so generally, but each circumstance is different.

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