Mommy Dearest

Trying to forgive someone like my mother might as well be like pissing in the wind. Somehow it comes right back on you.

I've written about my mother before but I shall summarize as I find writing helps me forgive a little bit at a time. Maybe one day all my feelings of hatred will be gone.

I think mom must have been a bitter one because my father died so young, and left her alone, to raise a child. What was supposed to be the best time of their lives ended up being some of the worst.

Often I've wondered if mother simply was a closet lesbian. She did not seem to like men at all, and would even comment to me that all men wanted was one thing. When I was young, I didn't really understand her statement at all, and when I was older I thought heck yea they want that and so do I.

One of those most vivid memories is the day my father died. Mother would not take him to the hospital and called her sister. Her excuse was that "we" were not dressed to take him. I shake my head in amazement. Time is precious when dealing with the heart. My father died of a massive coronary thrombosis to the heart at age 42. That one is the hardest to forgive. Why did we not take him?

The next would be her killing my animals. I had a stray dog that she didn't like and in her words, '...would give me rabies." This dog was my friend when my father died. He would come by after I would get home from school. I would pet him and feed him. He would lay his head on my lap while I sat on the back porch and cried. One day I came home, and called and called him. This went on for three days. Finally on the third day she told me she had called the pound and he was most likely dead by now. He would not be coming back. I remember screaming at her. It was as if father had died again. Truly hard to forgive that one.

All the times she called me fat. Criticized my appearance. Made me go to Weight Watcher's at the age of 16 when children were not supposed to go. They allowed it because a family member went with me. My Aunt. I only had 6 pounds to lose. I lost them. Never a day went by that she didn't criticize my weight. All the way up until she got so old she could not remember to do so. It was then I knew she would not be here much longer.

She cricized my friends.
My job.
My boyfriends.
My husbands.
Even my children when they got older. She started taking turns with each of us. About what? Why our weight of course.

She was so cruel.

Looking on all these things is there one I can forgive her for? I'll try to forgive her for criticizing my weight. ok mom, I forgive you for that one. You were only wanting me to be healthy. Instead you pushed me towards food, and I became what I ate. It had a reverse effect. Could you not see what you did ? Oh well, I can forgive that one at least. So I forgive you for that.

The rest will have to wait for another day.

I am going to post a picture of me when I was 16. Looking at it, I don't see that I was overweight at all. Nothing at all compared to how I look now at age 64. A plump elderly woman. Who looks inside people and not at their appearance because she knows that it is whats inside a person that matters the most.