Sometimes, I feel like I'm never going to really fit into society anymore. I'm going to share my story, but I'd also like to know if anyone else on here can relate.

So, I was raised in a small predominantly black Pentecostal church from childbirth. The church community I was raised in believed in speaking in tongues, faith healing, shouting, prophesying, miracles, and other supposed 'supernatural' things. At one point, they even taught that our church/denomination was 'THE' church. Basically, a cult. I was very sheltered from a lot of things for a good portion of my life. I didn't really start listening to secular music until late high school. I didn't drink, smoke, club, or sleep around. In fact, I was taught to frown on all of that and was a little condescending. I got branded as that good upright Christian boy early in life. Unfortunately, it only got worse as I got older and started to make a name for myself in the Christian music industry.

I've always been around musically inclined people. I started by singing in the children's choir. Then, I started playing piano at age 7. I started playing for tge church a few years after that. So music has always been a part of who I am. And I was good at being a musician. So I was starting to get a reputation for being a 'talented man of god'. I was basically being placed on a pedestal. I tried hard to live up to the expectations of the Christian community. And just to interject, in the black community in the south or the bible beltway, it's generally just assumed that you are a believer by default. If you say you're a believer, you're seen as a respectable individual and easily accepted within the black community. But as soon as you say that you don't believe, the black Christian community feels betrayed twice by you. The first being that you betrayed them as a believer. The second being that you betrayed the race and culture...as if being a believer is synonymous with being black. It really sucks.

Anyway, coming out as a non-believer after wearing the title of believer for over 3 decades was not easy. It all started when I dealt with my cognitive dissonance and had a self-honesty moment. I realized that everything I had built up in my life was about to fall apart. I worked so hard to have a good reputation as a Christian. I also worked really hard to get established in the Gospel/Christian music industry. I was recording, producing, writing, and touring with artist around the world. I was the musical director for a mega church and all. I was like a golden child to my family. My whole life was engulfed in church and religious beliefs. My wife, my friends, my job, and my social life. All of it was centered around the church/religious community. So when I became 100% honest and accepted that I didn't believe anymore, it broke me. I had to rethink EVERYTHING in my life. I had to walk away from some people, church, religious functions, faith based organizations, and pretty much clients that I had worked with for years. I wanted to completely get away from all of it, because I felt it was all toxic. Not only that, but I was coming out of something I spent 33 years in. It was NOT easy letting go, but I knew that the belief no longer made sense to me. In fact, I also had to acknowledge that I was only trying to make myself believe in it the belief system. It's what I was taught and all I knew. I was never given the option to explore other religious beliefs or just nothing at all. But trying to believe and actually believing are two different things. I realized that I just wasn't allowing myself to dwell on the questionable things about the belief I was raised to abide by. But once I did, it was over. No looking back. I was in limbo for 3 years. I was just trying to makes sense of my life, discover what I did and didn't believe, and get back my footing in life so I fully understood my new thinking process and where I stood as a human being.

It's been about 10 years since I started to accept I'm not a Christian anymore. Even to this day it feels like a form of PTSD. Removing myself from a very familiar mentally abusing religious environment, that I've felt comfortable in for years, was the traumatic part. I didn't have a life threatening experience and no one talked me into becoming atheist. I literally became atheist, because I was trying to 'get closer to god'. And I tried hard. That's why I'm at peace with not believing. I even researched other beliefs, but I still wasn't convinced. I just could not see the value of worshipping and thanking a god that isn't real in my life.

So now, I'm atheist. But, I feel like I'm in a weird space.

First, I'm an introvert. Maybe an ambivert. I'm open minded and not judgmental like I used to be, but I still have no real interest in certain things like drinking, smoking, parties, getting tats/piercings, or many other popular social activities. I just feel like that 'normal and responsible' guy with no life.

Secondly, I'm not a militant atheist. I'm a firm non-believer, but I'm not really interested into the debating, heated discussions, and bashing. I prefer peaceful and respectful interactions with believers. However, I do get annoyed and agitated with all of the religious jargon. Even when I hear phrases like 'god bless you', 'I'm blessed', 'thank god', or 'god is good', it's like a minor trigger that makes me want to roll my eyes or just not have a conversation with the person who said it. I guess that's part of the PTSD thing.

Lastly, it's sometimes hard for me to find other atheists that I can relate to and really connect with that were not raised in a religious environment as a believer prior to becoming atheist. Specifically, in a predominantly black Pentecostal church environment. There are just things more commonly experienced in black churches than anywhere else. There's just a comfort in connecting with other people that understand from first hand experience. And just for the record, I have no issues with other races. This is just my story. I'm black and was raised sheltered in a predominantly black environment. It just hasn't been easy to find and connect with men and women in my area that can actually relate. Any similar experiences?