As usual , forget the typos and the abuse of the language , and pls know , I am typing this after a 16 hr shift and a 20 hr of total sleep in 4 days . Love me anyways ?
♥️
There is no point on this story , u can make your own , I do know that I made mine in my mind . And that is , “ u never truly know “.
Sheila , 54 yr old , white , recently graduated as a nurse ( about 2 yrs max ), and working at my hospital on a medical unit . I do not normally interact w her , besides if I send someone up to her crew and unit from the ED . I have not been at ED since March , I live in the covid units , and I brought w me most of my team as well . Sheila is not my favorite nurse . Bcz little asshole me , I have opinions and I can judge . Ms important over here , has no time for Sheilas when it comes to buisness . Right ? Of course . Sheila has annoyed me in the past w 100 stupid questions , and , to top it , she takes forever to move . ( she is a large lady ). The few x that I ve seen Sheila in her unit , if I follow up w patients that I send up there , I have heard her talking about crosse ( whatever they call that craft , u know making blankets and crap from yarn ?), or about stupid tv shows . Whatever . In my mind , Sheila is a grandma Moses who enjoys five grandkids , and should stay home to do exactly that , instead of been in a high level trauma hospital w my precious patients . ( like I f own them or something ? )
Sheila has always been polite to me , and of course I have been too , yet , not my person to trust w important patient care if I have to . Last night I stuck w no staff on the covid unit . Literrally . My self and the doc , and 18 sick people. Critical care donated two bodies , ER coughed up one more , and I needed one more , even if not critical care skills , f it , I ll take whatever I can get ! They send me Sheila . And I am like , I wanna die now . But Sheila got up there w a smile , ready to work , and w 100 apologies for not knowing much about vents or high flow s or Bi paps . Sure . No problem , thank u for coming , u can give some meds for us , thank u so much . When things settled around 0230 , Sheila asked me if she can remove her mask etc , and do I want some candy ? Pls ! Be my friend Sheila , candy at 0230 is the magic word 
Go Sheila go !
Sheila started asking me job related things , and then she offered , “ I was skinny as u when I was on drugs “.
And I am like , “ what do u mean drugs ?”
We talked for about an hr . By the time Sheila stoped talking , I was in tears and I wanted to punch my self on the face . Hard too . Ms f perfect . Ms f best dad / support ever . Ms f me . And Sheila , the other side of the water . Sheila was raised by an absent mother . She was offered her first pot cigaret at age of 9. At 10 , step daddy #1 was forcing her to suck his penis every night that mother was at work . At 13, she was wild , angry , scared , hated her mother , who btw knew about sex abuse and did not care . Step daddy #1 went to jail for murder , and step daddy # 2 was not involve w her . At 16 she was parting every day , missing school , doing whatever she wanted . And married a 25 yr w her mother’s signature . She married that pedophile to get away from mom , and divorced him a year later . At 17 to 40 , Sheila worked all type of jobs , and often 2 and 3 jobs to support self , habits , and husband #2.
Secretary for 10 yrs at local company , baker at supermarket , private aid , name it . Drugs and etoh were her friends . The skinny pics of her she showed me , was horrible . Hello 80s and 90s , u know the deal . Husband number 2 went to jail for 3 yrs for distribution of meth . And when he got out , Sheila continued life minus drugs . Living pay check to pay check , clean from drugs , Sheila got both smart and fat . Decided to try nursing. Thought she still likes humans , and when mother died ( fuck that piece of shit if u ask me !), Sheila got her self to school via hospital tuition .( they paid for all , but she has to work for us for 3 yrs ).
Today Sheila said “ I don’t do much . I work here , I like my job . I go home , he cooks , he watches tv , I take care the cats . I make blankets for coworkers and whatever friends . I like to give gifts Yarn is expensive so it takes me time . I try to lose weight but I like food and I stoped smoking too , so my mouth always has something in it . “
I ask her , how u found the courage to start allover again ? Y are u keeping this guy ? She said , “ u got to do what u have to do . And I am w him for 20 yrs , it’s company . And no drugs . We are both fat now and I feel old . My work here is the best part of my week “
I pictured Sheila at age of 8 not having control of her body , and I pictured my self murdering both step daddy and mommy . And I pictured her at 13 and 15 , lost leaf in the wind , alone to figure out life , sheep among wolves , lost game , or I should say , sold game . My stomach couldn’t take that last night , but we finished the shift and morning got here b4 we even realized . Sheila and I we shared a true hug , and I am planning to see more of her , she just does not know it yet . 
I do know , that two weeks away from 50, once the fuck again , I learned another lesson . Hopefully this time I will learn it better , eat it , digest it , and shit it eventually , and leave some residual in my brain cells :
People are not always what we think they are . People’s past is unknown to us , but is y they are where they are today . Jobs performance , age , appearance , hobbies , are good perhaps criteria to choose a best friend / buddy , but not the criteria to frown upon another human , especially when u don’t know a thing about them . That’s what I learned today . I hope u might find this useful , and if u already knew and practicing , i am looking up to u
Time to sleep here guys , hope u are all doing well , one day at the time , #wegonnamakeit ♥️♥️
20
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Thank you for another vivid journey into your emotionally rich world where we can live and learn from your never ending growth as an empathetic and understanding person. Your willingness to critically acknowledge and modify an established mindset in light of additional information, as expected, demonstrates a honorable level of honesty that is seldom displayed by most. You never cease to impress. Thank you for being a beacon of hope in this raging storm of dishonesty.
On a different note, just got off the line with my hospice nurse friend. She was trying to arrange respite care for one of her patients but according to the nursing director, (confirmed by her doctor that called hospitals to look for care), all the hospital beds in the state are currently filled. The Emergency room if full and the closest hospital with room is 426 miles to Minneapolis. This small county had 118 new covid cases 7.1% testing positive today and our republican (tRump sniffing) governor still has us classified in the yellow "moderate" virus category. Local public schools are scheduled to fully open on Monday and we have protesters demanding kids should not be required to wear masks. News of the condition of hospitals has not hit the news and the state (as of now) shows we have roughly 50% hospital bed in use (less then 10% covid) Sure, many beds are empty but without nurses (many sick), entire wings are closed. Talk about lying with numbers.
NoMagicCookie
Level 8
Sep 24, 2020
1
I am thinking about u a lot . Schools to open here on the 8th , Hugh schools and such , and I already fear about the teachers . Man , u better wear your mask and u better be very careful . This is such a horrible way to pay back the ones that teach r future citizens , f future , period . 
@Pralina1 I am currently very lucky as I am not a part of the public school system but on a the campus of a tribal college. The native population is being hit harder then most. During the opening speech our college president announced, (rough quote) "We are a higher education organization and as such are going to make our decisions on how to open based on science." Unlike public schools, we are scheduled to be primarily online till January. I am on campus 5 days a week but masks are mandatory on campus and there are few people around. Today I worked with seven teachers and tomorrow there will only be 3 people from the school working in our ten buildings. I would not be surprised if our online classes continued beyond December. I am one of the few that seem to take this pandemic seriously so fellow teachers are as potentially deadly as any other population.
Your earlier story brought to mind several similar experiences. I have devoted a great deal of my life trying to fix (or make better) the lives of others and have learned entering worlds or trauma and hardship occasionally cause a great emotional cost that produces not healthy outcomes. Thank you again for being a quality person who cares.
@NoMagicCookie ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
Wow! Amazing story. Love the way you write it as always.
That has happened to me, I try practicing the lesson, but sometimes I fall into my old habits of labeling someone when it doesn't suit me right away.
The other night, as I was celebrating a bachelorette party with 2 friends, I met a guy. We were playing the "I dare you" card game, I needed to ask a man to dance with me. Of course, miss chatty here, (besides friending him on facebook) ended up talking more than just the game question and I learned he is a federal officer and his main area is pedophiles. I would just be in jail if that was my job.
You telling me about Sheila at age 10 - which is my son's age - just hurts me. Feels like someone is stabbing my chest and forcing me to watch what her step dad did to her.
When you hug her again, hug her from me. 
And keep the awesome job!!!!
Zoohome
Level 8
Sep 24, 2020
3
I hear u . So much . I will had be in jail too, and I don’t even have kids . I felt a knife in my body last night when she was talking , and my blood boiling too , u know ?
Is he worth dancing with him btw??? 
? Would u see him again ???
@Pralina1 yep, exactly that feeling, boiling blood and heart in pain.
He is single! Wink wink
I wanted to introduce him to.one of my groomers...
I have a fiance, although I feel like strangling sometimes.... but thats normal. No relationship is perfect, and he puts up with my crazyness, that is huge!
One of the things I love about you is your empathy and willingness to keep an open mind.
glennlab
Level 10
Sep 24, 2020
5
I love u too Glenn . I missed u . Some f birthday for u or me right ?? How was vegas ???
@Pralina1 I made the best of what I had. They had not kept enough cars for the reservations, so that screwed up the planned sightseeing I had planned. So I walked the strip from mandalay Bay to Ceasar's Palace(about 2 miles) gambling along the way. The steakhouse I planned to have my birthday dinner at closed for an undisclosed reason, so I had a nice ribeye without the view of the fountains, I hit one jackpot, but I gambled most of it away. All in all I had a good time, just not the one I had planned.
When I got home, my kitchen floor was wet, my fridge was dead, not totally unexpected but poorly timed. New one came in today.
I got my new hot tub, it was supposed to be a plug and play, Nope. Had to call in some favors to get an electrician to come out and run a dedicated circut, breaker box and hook it up. Love it now, 5 person with a lounge position that I used to thing was a waste, but is where I spend most of my time.
I'm still having some breathing issues, so I have a CT on my lungs the 29th.
Thanks for the story. Mine is less like you and more like Sheila, but very different. Abused by stepfather at 3, PTSD, nightmares, quit dreaming, ignorant family (also a kind of abuse), left home totally, roamed alone, introspective, self educated, mistakes and finally found by a good woman; after 36 years with her, I feel as if I escaped from hell. The good people here on Agnostic have helped me sharpen my people skills; though, I feel closer to a hammer than a raizor.
EdEarl
Level 8
Sep 24, 2020
3
U made it , and u are alive ♥️
@Pralina1 Yes. My takeaway is that abused children grow up to run the world, and contribute both good and bad. Bad role models train their children to be bad role models; though, some break free. Prisoners train their children to survive prison. If we want the world to be a better place, we need to break that cycle of bad role models, and it cannot be done with more violence and abuse. Our leaders in every part of society must be changed for better. Unfortunately, history has few examples of Buddhist like societies, and they can be easily crushed.
Wow, Powerful. She is a strong woman.
I am Native American. My favorite NA saying is: Judge no one until you have walked for two moons in their moccasins.
Put another way, don't judge anyone until you know their story. And everyone has a story.
Mitch07102
Level 8
Sep 24, 2020
3
Agree . Hard to remember day to day , but it’s true and live and learn .
Learning everyday is what life is all about! It sounds like you allowed her to vent and that in itself is often helpful to people who live through the trauma she obviously has. And often just listening is all they really want, since you certainly can't go back and change anything about her life experience. Sadly, her experience seems like it is not unique, especially for women, though many boys grow up in toxic environments as well. Those who like her manage to overcome and live productive lives are to often the minority, but are certainly to be admired and heard.
Enjoy your rest and keep up the good work you and your fellow medics are doing on the front line of the pandemic.
Barnie2years
Level 8
Sep 24, 2020
1
U are right , and I am glad she did . I will have never guessed her past . She is the minority too
Awesome story. Thanks for sharing. I kinda grew up in circles like that. The thing I always find surprising is how many people never knew hell/craziness just from growing up. I mean, I was never sexually abused and had good parents, but we were dirt poor, evicted couple of times, had the electricity cut off more times than I can think. We lived in poor neighborhoods, ghettos. Or trailer parks. We moved a lot. And I just thought that's how most people lived. We heard stories about friends who were abused and molested. Hell, sometimes we were staying the night and saw our friends chased around by their mom being hit with a stick. It was just life. But I was always the smartest kid in the class and finally, after years of my own addictions, leveraged my intelligence to achieve success. I worked as an LVN for 12 years first, after enlisting to get away from drugs and that crowd and completing my enlistment and using the GI bill to go to nursing school. Then I burnt out and got my CS degree. And now I work in a corporate office where no one ever knew the kind of hell that I just thought was normal. And I have heard some of them talk and realize that they think that kind of hell only happens in fiction, it's all made up to make them feel guilty. And that's what I found shocking at first. That there's this whole other world were shoplifting was not a sport for 12 and under and you always got new clothes and didn't shop in thrift stores. I tell them some about my life before if it comes up but avoid a lot because they would either think differently about me or think I was lying- which happened once years ago before I realized how separated our worlds were. When I was a nurse I used to freely tell stories about my past until one day a PT got mad at me and told me to shut up, that everyone knew I was lying. I found out that a lot of them who didn't know me did think that. But now I am careful. People have their own ideas of the world and think that stuff contradictory is just lies. But usually it's not.
towkneed
Level 7
Sep 24, 2020
4
Aahhhh and there it is. This is what empathy looks like.
Nobody knows what any other person has been thru.....what kind of physical or emotional scars they carry around with them every. single. day. And yet, it seems like people today just want to lash out - spew hatred and contempt for what they don't understand.
"my way....or the highway". When did that become this country's mantra? We are about to descend into a very troubling and turbulent period of time for this country.....who knows what we will be at the end of it. I'm sorry to say that I don't have any warm, fuzzy feelings about the outcome.
But stories like this are important - to keep us from feeling like its all a lost cause. Glad you made a new friend.
And very glad you are my good friend... 
Lavergne
Level 8
Sep 24, 2020
4
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