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Why do women always look at the appearance of a man more so than at his heart? Shouldn't a good personality and common interests be far more important - especially as we get older...and hopefully wiser?

tedelliss 6 Apr 12
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Most of the women I have known over the years didn't put looks as the highest priority - after they got past their high school years, anyway. I certainly have known many men who do the same thing though - I suppose in an ideal world, we would all try harder to see past the surface to determine what makes an individual tick.

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There is never an always, nor a never. There are women out there who see with more than their eyes.

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I'm not big on looks. Most of the men I've been attracted to, it didn't happen until I got to know them better and their personality made them attractive in my eyes.

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If people aren't attracted to each other but really like each other that is called a friendship, which is fine, but l want the whole package or nothing in a realationship.

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And why do you think this is gender specific ? It's a human thing.
Ideally yes, it would be lovely if people took the time to see inner value - but anything involving human behavior is rarely ideal.

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I think it goes both ways....men do that to women too. Appearance is pretty shoved down on the list for me. Good character, compatibility, pleasant demeanor, and life expectations matter so much more.

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I agree with you , who a man is , should be more important than what he looks like . On the other hand , if the plan is to have children , hopefully attractive looking children do have better chances , in this world . You can easily make yourself more attractive , by keeping yourself neat and clean , find hair and facial hair styles that make the most of your looks . Work out a bit . Don't smoke , or use drugs . Educate yourself . Be kind . Think of others . Each of these things make you a more attractive person .

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Women ask the same thing when it comes to aging, looks, and personality. Even more so since it is more common to see an older man with a younger woman.

Online I think it flips somewhat because of the quintile skew, since there's typically more men online looking for women than women looking for men there ends up being a shift where women pick the highest quintile attractive males and males end up being effectively pushed down in matches while females tend to be more immune to quintile preferences since the men will adjust down just to be successful.

[jonmillward.com]

TL;DR: A man in the top 5 percentile of looks will pull less interest than a Plain Jane middle-of-the-distribution female, and for guys who do NOT cut model-level cheekbones and 6'0+ height, the statistics are far grimmer.

I think it could also be the cultural expectation that a man pursue a woman and that a woman not pursue a man. Women put their best pictures in order to be pursued and a man to make a woman happy to be pursued by them. That could definitely lead to some of the bias.

I do agree that such a thing leads to men who are not at the most attractive to receive no messages and for average and above women to feel bombarded by them.

Women are also usually more selective about whom they message. For instance most women will usually not message someone they have nothing in common with but a man sometimes will if he finds the woman attractive. In my profiles I have strictly put that I don't want a religious person and still get Christians, Catholics and hardcore religious types messaging me.

@ThereIsADog but isn't that also a sign of the skew (and something akin to online desperation) in that more men will be forced to broaden their scope in order to increase their chances of getting anything, while women have a deluge of messages and can therefore pick only the top quintile?

Culture likely does pay a role, but even so, the numbers alone favor the average-and-above females more than the average male.

I agree that it's a problem and have personally heard from men that online dating can be humbling at best and confidence crushing at worst. I don't think it's remotely the best system. If society encouraged women to pursue it might help but even that won't even the numbers. I think meeting women in meet up groups can be a much better experience. Even if a woman isn't interested she will talk to you and get to know you. There isn't that sterile rejection of no replies that there is online.

@ThereIsADog I hear atheist introvert misanthropic MeetUps are all the rage now 😉

But, I do agree. Real life beats quintiles and statistics, and I agree that women don't typically message first, though in an era greater (more awarenesses of) equality I find that an odd throwback.

Still, I was very surprised to get three unsolicited messages as the numbers are against it.

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