This was too good to pass up
Sorry, it is a bit long, it was on a FB post. I am 20 minutes south of the Gold Coast and absolutely hate the place.

The Gold Coast likes to fancy itself as Australia’s version of Las Vegas, which is true because it’s a tacky tourist trap adorned with fake tits, a shit casino and an unending parade of timeshare presentations. It’s also home to more New Zealanders than New Zealand so it’s quite probable that you will bump into someone you went to high school with, only now they will have some shit tats and a shit accent.

The Gold Coast is where Australia keeps its unemployed Kiwi scaffolders while they wait for their shot at a third rate reality show, and has-been strippers with multiple children to multiple men from multiple outlaw motorcycle gangs. If you are looking to get a shit neo-tribal tattoo or contract some novel form of super chlamydia, then the Gold Coast is probably your place!

Given that it’s Australia’s entertainment capital, the Gold Coast is filled with a plethora of such options, with the only downside being that they are all tacky and shit. On the Gold Coast, fine dining is ‘all-you-can-eat pancakes’ and a fun day out with the family features theme parks with worse safety standards than a Chinese coal mine. Popular staples of Gold Coast nightlife include visiting a vampire-themed cabaret staffed entirely by people who look like they recently failed HIV tests, getting attacked by a lower grade league player with ‘roid rage’, or being thrown off a balcony after a Tinder date gone wrong.
A popular event on the Gold Coast is ‘Schoolies Week’, which gives high school kids the chance to experiment with alcohol poisoning and tradies from Logan the chance to experiment with getting passed out high school girls into the back of their van.

Gold Coast is hosting this year’s edition of the Commonwealth Games, an event that used to exist only so Britain’s former colonies could see who had the fastest slaves and now only exists to give white people who are too shit for the Olympics the chance to win medals, making it the Caucasian Special Olympics. This event will help celebrate the Gold Coast’s rich sporting history, which includes multiple failed professional franchises across at least three sports.

MOST FAMOUS: The ‘Candyman’, a failed former AFL player and current tobacco mogul who whiles away his days hosting million-dollar orgies and shagging a bevy of porn stars, making him so Australian he should probably replace the emu on the coat of arms.

DO: Attempt a Gold Coast Triathlon – snort a line of coke off a Meter Maid’s arse, lose a week’s wages at the casino and get drunk enough to fight a Samoan bouncer.

DON’T: Ask about the footy team. Any of them. They are all shit.