Great response, thank you.

Yup, plus you have no idea if you have anything in common

I kind of agree with what you’re saying: I believe being honest about your intentions up front

“Hi, I saw you and thought you looked cute, so I wanted to meet you and find out what you’re really like”

Is honest, and I’m happy saying something like this. I’ve done it a few times. I’m not worried too much about being harshly rejected but that hasn’t happened yet - not Harshly Rejected). I met my last but one girlfriend in a shop so maybe that’s why I feel ok about it.

The banana approach would work with me. Not sure what that says about me. It’s funny, and if you make me laugh first… that’s big.

@CM1965 Orange you glad I didn’t say banana? Anyone? Anyone? Hahhahahahaa

@NothinnXpreVails LOL. See, very easily amused. I love to laugh. That’s the in with me.

What might be a better word(s) to say then?

Just an icebreaker to open a conversation. Like, "don't I know you from _?" Or, "hey I like that __, where did you get it?"

I once saw a guy I was interested in at the grocery store that I thought was cute so I crashed my cart into his and apologized and said something along the lines of, "maybe we should exchange phone numbers, you know, for insurance purposes." It was cheesy as hell, but it's also cute and fun.

@meta4me now that likely would work with me!
Hmmmm I may steal that... ?

@meta4me that might work hitting on a guy but women are often more gaurded if alone. Bet to approach a woman in a group when feels safer I think. As difficult as that may be.

:::: shudders ::::

that reminds me of a bit in "The Gift of Fear", ~false familiarity~ . "Breaks out in handcuffs"...omg

pepperjones, What is ballsy? The man inviting himself over to my house for dinner?

????
Yikes!

I would like that approach: non-threatening and friendly. Then leaving the choice up to me as to whether I want to pursue it. You're right, no pressure--and that's much appreciated.

@Anniemae Thank you, it's rough after 17 years of not having to date....

I had that approach once younger at a dance club. Oh the guy was super cute and flattering., but there was no conversation besides "Hi my name's --- you're the hottest girl in this place"...erm my best friend was there also so not true.

Maybe he was trying to be progressive giving me his number, but I'd have preferred if he'd asked for mine, or offered to exchange numbers.
At the time it struck me as arrogant, whether or not I was correct is anybody's guess.

@Qualia I'd say you were correct in that assessment, he could have at least suggested exchanging phone numbers.

@SpikeTalon Yes and mind you this was before cell phones, he was out of town = long distance call. Uhm NFW.

I’d probably respond if I found him interesting.
It’s the fact that he walks away that makes this approach acceptable- I don’t want to feel trapped, stalked, or pressed for an answer.

Aldi's is very cool....same family owns Trader Joes (like out in Los Angeles), two brothers who's father started a store in Germany in the late 40's.

Heh.. "The odds are good, but the goods are odd"

Unless you fancy Chris Hemsworth as The Mighty Thaw!

@Nottheonlyone Sorry ...I am confused... It would've been a "near miss" if you closed the deal, rigth? But then you said you didn't get his phone number, so it was a missed opportunity, wasn't?... So which one is it? ( I know, curiosity killed the cat.... Good thing I am not one)

I suppose I meant it was a miss, but it felt like it could have happened. So it was near, but still a miss. Maybe I've been using that phrase incorrectly my entire life...

@Nottheonlyone A "near miss" in aviation is when two planes get so close that they could have crashed, but barely missed. You used the phrase correctly, but I'll admit it seems confusing and wrong if you think about the wording too much.

@CalebMarion That's reassuring, thanks.

@CalebMarion, A near miss is a disaster that was narrowly avoided. So you may have used it wrong, but you were probably right anyway.

My brain works like that, when I have a doubt I ask. That's all there is.... Thanks @Nottheonlyone, your answer did clarify.

That’s not entirely accurate. A male can observe behavior and attitude before approach, not just physical appearance.

@NothinnXpreVails that's fair.

YES! Thank you for perfectly articulating what I was trying to convey. ?

It isn't your job to approach women. I have been the one to ask out at least half the guys I've dated.

@meta4me Sorry: I believe it’s my job (as a man) to make the first move. If a woman approached me it wouldn’t feel right, unless it was done very covertly.

@meta4me That’s just what I think, I’m sure others feel differently.

@KenG I am new to dating after 17 years, so I don't know the 'rules' to all this stuff. For me, life is about being real, being nice and always respectful, I view dating the same way, and ya gotta take chances, both side do.

Why is it a man’s job to make the approach? I have initated it as often as I have been asked out.

hahaha, 'crazy eyes' that's funny (and true) I talk to all kinds of people when I am out and about, in a professional and polite manner and I always make people laugh, but I never approach women I am attracted to, I guess I figure that more than likely they have a man. Please tell us about 'body language'.

@Agr8m8 I never approached, either. Not sure if because of lack in confidence or if I just really didn’t care.

OMG I am going to be checking every guys face now for 'crazy eyes' ROTFL. Maybe that has been my problem all along because I have not been checking those eyes. I need to get out more!

Being a person who regularly makes eye contact and smiles at others throughout my day (and happens to have large eyes and an ample chest), my friendliness is unfortunately read as flirting when it is very much not intended to be. First dates are precarious under these circumstances because I can get through even a horrible date just trying to make it as tolerable as possible for myself and then come to find out the other party thought it went great and expects a second date (or even a kiss). I'm really not sure which is worse, not having my interest reciprocated or having to break the same news to someone else.

That would totally work with me! lol

@Marcie1974 It's the monocle that did it for you, isn't it? Haha

@CalebMarion totally the monocle! Anyone who goes through the effort to procure one deserves a chance

What's wrong with stopping her? I don't think they mean grabbing her, twirling her around, and looking creepily into her eyes.

@ArthurPhillips Everything

@Gareth So, then you'd have to watch and wait for that moment when she's naturally stopped?

@ArthurPhillips I would leave her the crap alone. Everything in the world is not about me, my wishes, my needs and my idle fantasies.

But if relationships are going to start, men have to make the first move, usually based on whether he finds her attractive

@SimonTheVet weirdo lol

yes, but aren't some 'creepy' ways relative to the beholder so to speak? Please be more specific, help us, help you.

@LouElmo creepy

This has happened to me too, but we actually went for a coffee.

It would creep me out because women don’t approach men.

I have had this happen a lot. Its the group of people i hang with. Were all there for recovery.

@KenG I do, but I accept that I'm not the norm.

Men do make judgements on a woman’s looks, just like women judge men in many ways. We have to make initial visual judgements because we don’t know anything about you at first.

Exactly, but you would really decide you want to spend time with a woman just because she's pretty? Have you seen that movie "Fatal Attraction?" I've seen pictures of Ted Bundy, and I fit the description of most of his victims back when he was doing his worst. He was an attractive guy. We all make initial judgments, but acting upon them can be an entirely different matter.

@KenG Women don't understand the importance of that with all men from one degree or another. It does not mean by any means that we love 'looks' alone, she has to be kind, smart, funny etc. and there has to be a spark for us both. So without sounding too shallow, it does begin with looks for me but that is just about 15-20% of the attraction for me.

Initially we only have a woman’s looks to go on because we don’t know her yet. But I couldn’t be in a relationship with a woman just on her looks, no. There is a lot more I need.

"If the woman was as shallow as the man, she might be flattered, but don't be surprised if her reply to such an opening statement is, "How much money do you have?"

THIS ALL DAY!!! It's exactly the equivalent!

@Qualia I know, right! Can you imagine the indignation if a woman walked up to a man in a shopping mall and said, "Hi, there! You look rich. Would you like to take me to dinner?"

I would imagine the attraction also has some basis in the fact that the two are sharing a common experience and might also live close enough to one another to make dating a possibility. Attraction might be triggered by observing the way a person interacts with the space and the people within it, as well.

We have to start with looks because we don’t know anything about you at first.

@icolan Prescisely.

@KenG Disagree. If you don't know anything about me, why are you interested?? That's my whole point.

@GinaMaria I get how people are. I'm different. No big mystery. I'm not judging the 99% of people whose attraction mechanism works differently than mine.

I might find you visually attractive. That’s how men are attracted to women: mostly visually. Especially as we don’t know anything else about you yet.

What if they ONLY have your looks to go on? A guy sees you in the street and thinks you're attractive. Maybe there is something about you that isn't normally present in other women and it just turns him on. How is he going to get to know you if you turn him down because he approached you based on your looks? How can you get to know anyone anywhere except for maybe work if not for being physically attracted to them?

How is one to get an opportunity to know someone at the supermarket if it is not by the looks at first?

@Piece2YourPuzzle In my case, it was

1. A HS creative writing class, and later hanging out with friends in a group
2. Open mike poetry reading
3. A conversation with a new neighbor
4. Meeting a friend of a friend
5. Playing Magic the Gathering in a group
   This was me, meeting my bfs (all solidly average-looking, squishy-middled dudes) and feeling an attraction for them only after interacting with them and having gotten a sense of their personalities, values, creativity, sense of humor, intelligence, etc. Their looks were ancillary.

I personally can't feel a real attraction for someone unless I know certain things about them. And it's reciprocal, in that I won't find you attractive if you find me attractive without knowing those certain things about me. It's a shared values thing. Sorry, not sorry. I'm like, 1% or less in this position. Who cares?

If some dude stops me on the street and asks me out, I'm just going to say "No thanks.". I'm not going to shame him, not going to say "Well, you just lost your shot, there, buddy"--even if that's strictly true. I'm just going to politely turn him down. Who cares?

How can you get to know anyone anywhere...? Are you serious??

• classes
• clubs, groups, societies
• hobbies
• gyms
• parks, trails
• meet ups, why-dont-we, etc.
• just saying hello
  I mean, WTF??

My paradigm of getting to know someone before experiencing "attraction" exists--Ive lived it, so I know it's possible. I'm not campaigning for this paradigm to conquer all others; I'm just mentioning it. I'm not judging anyone else for how they experience or conceive of attraction; I'm not right and no one else is wrong. It just is what it is.

Who cares if I don't play by the rules that everyone else does? What difference does it make?

@IamNobody, @KenG, @Piece2YourPuzzle Another thing to bear in mind is some women (no idea percentages) have had bad experiences with being treated certain ways based on their looks, and have lingering psychological difficulties or sensitivities from it.

In my case, in addition to everything else I already mentioned, I am sick to death of the way people treat me based on my looks. I despise it. I often feel like men think I can do no wrong--which is not taking me seriously as a person or being objective. Please treat me like a real person. I'm not a rare mythical creature; I don't want the awe and reverence you'd give a unicorn.

@stinkeye_a Unfortunately men finding visuals more of a turn on than any other trait is just evolutionary I’m afraid. It’s just something that is a fact: that’s why the makeup industry is so huge (for one lol).

@stinkeye_a Hey, I understand where you're coming from, and it's your choice, but how do you know their initial attraction to you wasn't just your looks and the other stuff just masked it and made it look like they were attracted to you by your hobbies or other things about you FIRST? Guys go places where girls will be. They see you first and foremost and what you look like. There are outliers for both sexes with this, but I'm pretty sure it's the majority. How can you be sure whoever you're with didn't judge you by your looks first and foremost and you think they're with you for other reasons that you think are "deeper"?

I don't care one way or the other. I don't care how you get your rocks off or choose your boyfriends or lovers. I'm just asking and looking for the reasoning. I'm not judging you.

@IamNobody I think conversation has to take place. I see men in the grocery store all the time I smile at them they smile at me and it never goes anywhere. I leave it up to the man to approach me. No one ever does though. Maybe I’m too freaky, I don’t know. Say hi, find common ground. If you catch me in the coffee aisle, buying coffee, there’s your in. You could have a 10 minute 20 minute conversation just about coffee. I don’t know this seems like a reasonable thing to me, that way you actually get to find out if she is interesting to you and if she seems interested in you Tell me, “If you’re interested in having coffee together, here’s my number, get in touch.” If she does, great. If not, move on.

@CM1965 I agree, I think we're both saying the same thing. Its actually a two way street and more times than not, I would say the guy trying to approach the girl at the supermarket is the one terrified and may come as the rude dude when in reality he may be just about to crap his pans. Its a tricky bussines that works perfectly easy for some people and its huge challenge for others. I do like your approach about coffee and yet, the looks play an important part at least on the first move.... Thanks for the advice, I need to go to Starbucks more often ?