You can be just about anything you feel you are these days. There are more pronouns and genders than I could even get an accurate count of. Really. Try searching for it and you'll find some incredibly long lists. You would have to make a spreadsheet and cross-reference a bunch of lists and you'd still probably be missing some. And if you wait a week, your list may be outdated. And if that is what you need to feel right or comfortable, I you. But it seems there's way you can feel that is still simply unacceptable, despite it being completely out of your control: the desire to die. There are things that can distract me from the otherwise constant thoughts of how much I no longer want to live, but essentially there's nothing I'd rather do than die unexpectedly, instantly, and as soon as possible. And I don't think that's that crazy of a desire. Life is an accident. It's also completely purposeless. If you're enjoying yours more than you're hating it, by all means, carry on, congratulations on all your success. But if you hate it like I do, why would it be so weird to want it to end? Why does a recognition of these simple facts constitute some emergency or need for intervention? Why does it have to be inextricably tied to depression? Why is that desire something the mentally ill are "allowed" to possess?
I have friend left that feels the same way I do. I said to him, "So apparently most people in our category feel the opposite way than us (according to Google), they are suicidal but don't actually want to die. What are people like us called, who want to die, but don't want to have to kill ourselves to get there? I tried searching for it, but I don't know that a term exists."
Just from a quick search I happened upon a word that I use very often when I talk about this concept in many different contexts. Transcendence. When you transcend your biology you're able to escape the illusions that your consciousness compels you to believe are true and see things for what they really are. That's why I called it rational I guess. If you're able to transcend biology you can see death is objectively superior."
And he has a good point. Many humans have experienced some forms of transcendence. The use of contraception is a good example. Our genes favor procreation, but we manage to override them and actively prevent pregnancy [or eliminate it when it happens accidentally]. How much different is it really to want to abort our own life because of the perceived negative outcomes of continuing it??
So what do you think? Will our society ever be progressive enough to tolerate people like me? Or will I be destined to forever have yet another reason to hate being alive?