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Those on dating sites: riddle me this. Why are people on a dating site, when they don’t want to date? It happens with men and women, but more so with women. They will flirt, make the first move, but if I respond...either crickets, or they don’t actually want to go on dates.
I’ve considered: is it just me? Am I doing something wrong? I don’t think so, though. I’m friendly/respectful to everyone. Looking for input, appreciate it.

CarolinaGirl60 8 Apr 27
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1

I would guess because woman seek more conversation time then men so woman seem more app to talking a storm vs taking action n dating.

0

Maybe some people care more for what's inside your brain than in your looks. Some people call it mindfucking. It means you get into someone's head. Some people become like joined brains that's more intimate.

That’s not the definition of mindfucking I’ve hesrd before: to mindfuck is to fuck with a person’s head, and not in a good way. First time I’ve seen the term used another way.
Interesting thought.

2

As a somewhat guilty party in this, perhaps I can explain.

I don't want to be single the rest of my life. I'd like to find a partner to share it with, especially as I get older. I appreciate that isn't magically going to happen (though I'm seeing someone with potential right now) so I know I need to force the hand of fate. Especially being a niche, within a niche, within a niche. (Gay, overweight, and willfully gender non-conforming.) At the same time, I've been single or in very low maintenance relationships for most of the last 5 years, and committing to anything with any degree of intensity scares me more than a little.

So I go on websites and I chat to guys. It goes as far as talking about dates, but quite often neither of us gets around to making it happen. It's partly because I've been let down so many times that I've become cynical. Favourite is for them to just 'go dark' communications-wise about 24 hours before the date is due to take place. If you actually get a chance to go on the first date, chances are it won't turn into a second. Even rarer that it'll become a third. And like hen's teeth that you'll actually get a relationship out of it. And at that point, I wonder whether it's worth the effort of getting tarted up and going out, rather than just sitting on the sofa for the evening tapping away on various websites. It is, playing the longer game, since I won't meet anyone otherwise. But in all probability, the date I'm about to set out on is going to turn out to be another dud.

There's wanting something, and there's being bothered enough about it to do what's needed to go and get it. And I think that's the hurdle that most Internet dating falls at.

Thank you for your insight. I have many of the same feelings...I’m willing to give people a chance, if we can communicate(first hurdle: talking to strangers) and they want that chance. So many don’t!
I hope you find the partner you’re looking for.

1

People carry the baggage of past experience projecting it on the future, which tends to dampen the flame of initial interest, whether warranted or not.

1

My friends theory (and I buy into this) is that they are likely married women and are missing the romance. They want to be pursued and valued more than their current significant other is providing but do not want the insecurity of leaving them. So, they pursue a platonic-ish, romantic relationship online. Why the '-ish'? They may well get into cyber sex and that is another kettle of fish to discuss as far as whether or not it is crossing relationship lines.

IMHO sexting/cyber is cheating. Possibly the texting and communication is...I believe emotional affairs are just as destructive as real-life.
It’s a sad thing that anyone would choose this, rather than work on what they have with spouse/partner.

1

Another dating site is closing: Date Hook up. I made many friends in that site....specially from their Atheist forum.

I posted about Agnostics there hoping some of the members will join us.

1

There is definitely some of that, I've seen it but don't have an answer. All I can say is make friends first. Slow & steady. We are gaining members, so that will help with more members nearby, because distance is the real killer, most times. But, even if the 'dating' doesn't work out, there are so many here to become friends & colleagues with!

I’m glad to make new friends, and this site has many interesting folks to talk to?. I do take it slow on the regular dating apps. All anyone wants to do, is ‘wink’ instead of chat to see what happens with it. Their choice, though.

@CarolinaGirl60 I 'wink' or 'happy face' as a way of saying "please check me out, I have a passing interest but am not sure we are a perfect match" in hopes that if both of us have 'a passing interest" maybe we can add some kindling and fan flames. Essentially, I am putting the ball in her court and if she chooses not to play, then she is not interested in me.

I have driven cross country to meet someone who I really thought was clicking with me strongly, so, don't think that just starting slow, with a wink, means a lack of commitment or a lack of willingness to give it a try.

I am of the "slow and steady" crew though. Having learned the hard way that going fast can be fun but is too often not lasting.

@Gnarloc Dating is tough now! I don’t remember it being this way back in the day. I agree with taking it slow, and had regrets the times I didn’t.

1

I don't have a clue. I am not sold that this is a very good way to meet someone. At least this site is entertaining. ☺

2

Online dating is dreadful. You definitely need a sense of humour to deal with it. Good for dating practice but that’s all. Go out and meet people in real life. If you’re a bloke: approach women you like wherever you may be. If you’re a woman: smile and look approachable.

KenG Level 6 Apr 28, 2018
1

There is no requirement for someone to respond or continue communication even if they've been friendly for a while. There is no promise of a date no matter how much communication you share electronically. It's information gathering and everyone is allowed to come to their own choice and conclusion whenever they wish. Meeting a stranger in person is extremely vulnerable and potentially dangerous for women. If the chance seems high that you won't want to pursue further dates, having to explain that after meeting in person increases the level of vulnerability. It's far more precarious than it may seem. Being seen as a tease, flirt, or bitch from the relative safety of an app is the preferable option, in my opinion.

Helga Level 4 Apr 28, 2018

I agree; nobody is owed anything.

Have a standard, practiced answer/response that signifies your disinterest. For texts, a girlfriend of mine uses: I don’t have any feelings for you, sorry.
It works

5

Personally I disconnect because the person has either tripped some warning signal with me or has nothing interesting to say.

11

I find that men are impatient. I am willing to go out with a man but not until we talk for a while. Women HAVE TO be careful. Men don't think about this because women are generally not a threat to them. But every man is a potential threat to a woman. So we need to talk with guys and see if we can get a feel for what the guy is like. Also there are things i want to know up front so I don't waste my time. Are u a Trump fan? Then no - just no. Are you just looking for a hook up? No again. Women need to know what we are getting into. So be patient and don't take it personally. If you push she will see that as a cause to worry.

Good advice.
Pushing to move too fast too soon is a red flag; so is lovebombing. Previous narcissist in my life taught me that, and I back away fast! I get politics/religion out in the first few messages, asap.

Perhaps you’re right, but I think your advice to “take it easy” and talk and so forth pretty much applies to people who post in this site seldom or never, or to people who seldom or never read postings. Those of us who post and read know who we are. We don’t engage in these types of conversations with anyone outside this forum bc these subjects are not interesting to everybody. If someone from this community isn’t interested in dating me, I actually think it’s not because of a lack of information. In the short anount of time since I joined I’ve left quite a trail. And as time passes I hope to make the trail even easier to spot. In this way, a form of “selection” wilk take płace. As Yoda might put it, “Approach me or respond to me, some will. And some will respond by staying away.”

I really like to look into any idea in order to find paradoxes and contradictions that may be hiding under the cover of “truth.” And for some atavistic reason or reasons I prefer ladies with some physical, not just intellectual heft. Perhaps it’s a consequence from growing up in somewhat complicated circumstances in a developing country.

Thank you for taking the time to read this text. But if you found this statement too boring, too long, and just not worthy and decided never to read anything I ever write agan, I also truly thank you.???

Men have to be careful, too. Especially men who are genuinely looking for a match, who I think tend to put on blinders, making them more vulnerable to scams. Getting together in person with anyone from the internet can be dangerous, regardless of gender. And there's nothing to prevent a woman from showing up with other people in order to beat and rob a man.

3

I agree on all points.
This site made me stop and think, and I have since removed dating from my profile.
This will sound jaded but I get the feeling many women go on dating sites as an ego booster, see how many guys make contact but have no interest in responding. Many (guys also - including me) are probably too fussy. Many guys are in relationships and are really only there to chat up women but will never meet or is they do it is only for sex.
I have probably met with 30 women from dating sites in the past 20 years, maybe more. I have corresponded at least briefly with hundreds. SO it has really been a process of narrowing down. I did enter into a relationship with a lady I met online, lasted a few years, we lived together a while and in the end I fostered one of her kids long after we broke up. I have become friends with 7 ladies I met through dating sites who have since found new partners or gone back to their ex husbands, but we remain in contact. This may give you some insight into what is out there? I am interested to hear how others have found things.

I totally disagree. At least i have never done that and the women i know who use these sites honestly want to find someone. But men just want to go out and don't seem to want to chat first. As my response above states, women have to be careful and weed out potentially dangerous men. Be patient and be willing to chat until she feels comfortable.

@cmontes Certainly not all women do that, but many do. Just as not all guys on dating sites are in relationships or are Nigerian scammers. It is a minefield. I have met a couple of my best friends on dating sites, but we are just not compatible in the right way for a relationship, or even intimacy.

3

Check out the book Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari - it addresses this exact topic.
In my personal experience with dating sites, there are either so few members in my geographic area that the pickings are slim, the available options aren't great, or is just some weirdo that wants to send a dick pic. But, there is virtually no in person dating scene where I'm at, so online is better than nothing at all.

GwenC Level 7 Apr 27, 2018
2

Define dating. It's changed in shape and form since I was in high school.

I guess I’m old fashioned, but I only date one person at a time. If it’s not working, stop going out and try again. I still think of dating as meeting for a meal or activity to get to know someone and moving slowly.
Lots want to talk/text but not meet in person.

5

I think sometimes people are just looking for connection to others.

3

I am convinced all want to date....simply, some don't think is cool to say so.

@AMGT It seems people are embarrassed to confess they want to love / be loved.

@AMGT Indeed...but I don't think those you are referring to are the ones in a dating site.

4

Couldn't say for sure, I've never been on only a dating site, and this platform is for both interacting with the community and dating, and not strictly for one or the other. I don't particularly care for online dating. I highly doubt you ever did anything wrong on your part, online dating in my opinion is mostly about a few hits and many misses, which is why I'm not thrilled with it. I wish you luck on whatever course you decide for yourself on that, take care.

4

Maybe they just aren't digging the person they choose to ignore and not respond too but they are responding to others.

2

I think they mostly like the IDEA of dating, of meeting a person. But they also just enjoy pretending and blaming it all on others in their own mind. Very complex. Land of opportunity for social researchers. All the subjects and digital data are right there for the taking.

I tend to agree. It’d be great if there was a box to check for just texting(modern version of pen pals...I’m so old, I’ve had snail mail pen pals?. I don’t mind just connecting and texting or talking. Be nice to have folks be honest from the start.

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