I imagine you have not always (or do not always) feel like this. I have felt (what I think is) the same as you’re feeling. I can only speak for myself as we’re all different, but when I feel like this I can actually figure what may be the cause.

If I’m missing or getting wrong one of the following it can trigger my depression:

Too much alcohol
Bad diet
Not enough excerise
Not socialising enough
Not planning new things to do
Not working on my business or a new idea (even though it may not go anywhere - a pipe dream)
Not growing as a person - working on myself - self improvement.

(Some of the above may overlap)

Forgive my geeky way of presenting this, but my well-being can actually be represented in this way, and I know that when I’m feeling bad, there is always one or more of the above I am missing 100%.

Hope this helps. Good luck

Thank you for sharing how you feel. At times I've equated our feelings to something like the red sequined cape that a bull fighter waives at the "Plaza de Toros." Plaza de Toros is Spanish for Bulls' Square.

Please note that it's not called "Bull Fighters' Square." The bull is the main attraction, just like our feelings can become our main attractionn Tons of papers have been written about bull fighting, but I just want you to think of yourself for a moment as the bull. Why be the mere plaything of that wavy thing ahead? You can stop it yourself. And you don't need anyone else. I say this because a lot of people are rushing to tell you that they can offer you support when you need it. But no one can offer you the security that comes from knowing that you and only you can decide what to do with your feelings. After you do that, check out all the other things around that are not your feelings.

I don't know if this is of any interest.

[kellybroganmd.com]

It's not the same as physical friends but you need never fell alone if you just make the effort to come on this site. There is always someone here for you. Keep talking to people. Join in conversations even if it is just to say you agree or disagree. I know it is really hard to push yourself to do something when you are at a low point, but hang on. Give your mother as much support as you can, but look after yourself, too.

I understand the feeling 'dead inside' thing.

You can only try your best. Indulge yourself in your hobbies and interests..

I agree with AdorkableMe. Keep connecting with people here, in groups, and/or counseling. We hear you.

I am so sorry you are going through all this. Dealing with serious illness in a loved one is tough enough without all the rest of it. Your mother needs you now more than ever. The people in the Mental Health group have given me a lot of support when I needed it most and it's a lovely, private space in which to discuss how you feel.

I read your profile and I believe you can overcome these setbacks and find yourself again.

I'm sorry you are struggling so much, but I'm glad you are reaching out. I have yet to know anyone who has committed suicide that has not left groups of people devastated. It sounds like you have a lot going on so I think at least part of it is situational and will likely pass...and it's entirely possible your brain is messing with you...it would be worth talking to your healthcare provider about a possible medication adjustment and of course group or individual counseling would be helpful if you are able.

Time changes a lot of things, give it time. People care about you more than you realize. Know that there are resources available and always someone to talk to...

[speakingofsuicide.com]

Have you considered taking CBD oil?

It's derived from cannabis, but without the psychoactive THC, so is legal most places, and inexpensive. Just google the nearest store that sells it.

CBD Proves Effective for the Treatment of Mental Illness, Depression - MaximumLifeStyles [maximumlifestyles.com]

Bipolar Symptoms Relieved Using CBD [healthyreport.info] via @Healthy Report