My bff and former roommate of 32 years was convicted of forging prescriptions and trafficking prescription drugs. She was imprisoned for 14 months, and reportedly was released a week ago. I am THE ONLY friend (other than her bf) that remained supportive and involved, vested in her recovery and helping her family (elderly patents & adolescent children (2). I visited often and wrote letters, put $$ on her books. I have yet to hear from her or her family/bf--despite being told that I'd receive a status update last Tuesday. Am I wrong to feel hurt and disappointed? I do realize she most likely wishes to be with her bf/kids immediately, but expecting her to honor our friendship and maintain open, honest communications is vital to holding her accountable and preventing her from slipping back into addiction and risk behaviors. How do I impress this upon her? Do I cut my losses and move on? My feelings are hurt, don't know where to begin, so frustrated I could scream. Any insights?
Thanks!
MsAllayneous
1
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Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.HIghly laudable actions although there seems to be an element of conditionality, i.e. expecting something in return, for your freely given gift of assistance. One can't prevent anyone from doing something just because they would rather they didn't, regardless of how beneficial the outcome would be. Probably a little ungracious to 'move on', but attempting to lower your expectations of her may be a more successful strategy for you to accept the situation and not feel victimised here.
Geoffrey51
Level 8
June 8, 2018
1
Thx. I agree. She's been selfish in recent years, and that's not changing. I didn't expect to be paid back, but sincere appreciation would do nicely. As I indicated, I'm pretty low maintenance as friends go. Her loss.
You're a wonderful friend. Sometimes people are not grateful. Sometimes others don't value others.
Wildgreens
Level 8
June 8, 2018
1
My feelings would be hurt also. A meetup for coffee would take only an hour. A call would take only 5-20 minutes. A couple of text messages setting a time to together would take only minutes. Regardless of her risks of relapsing, you have behaved like a true friend and she undoubtedly appreciated that while incarcerated, but she is not (yet) reciprocating the friendship. Ouch.
BlueWave
Level 8
June 5, 2018
1
Distance might be the best thing until she can learn to stand on her own. Her duty is to herself right now, not to worrying what others think or need, if she is to emerge the person you care for. Do not take it personally!
AnneWimsey
Level 9
June 5, 2018
3
People often feel shame when they have received charity. It's the same with borrowed money - once you lend money to even a good friend, that person will often avoid you, afraid you'll bring it up.
birdingnut
Level 8
June 5, 2018
1
I've not expected money given to be returned--as you said, "given" is the key word there. I'm saddened that it would appear she doesn't appreciate my efforts or my friendship after all.
@MSALLAYNEOUS Doesn't matter. She was shamed by receiving a help from you, and couldn't reciprocate. I also resent people helping me, so I usually don't allow it.
Even though it isn't your fault , it may be possible that seeing you is a constant reminder to her of her poor choices . It may also be possible that she's been told , by her parole officer , that she is not allowed to be with friends she knew before she went to prison .
Cast1es
Level 9
June 4, 2018
3
Excellent point...avoidance of former reminders is aHuge factor in recovery, and may indeed be mandatory.
@AnneWimsey I do understand that concept, and while I've known her for a long time, I wasn't part of the gang that she was in trouble with, so associating with me would be favorable. I wrote recommendations for her, which were passed through her attorney to the judge. I've been supportive of other friends in search of sobriety, and am a respected member of my community. I believe she's being selfish, period.
@MSALLAYNEOUS At this point in her life , even bearing in mind how very good you've been to her , for her , it isn't about you .
I think you have several actions and issues to consider. First is whether or not to make the first move to contact her. Second is to decide what you'll do when the requests start again -- because I'm reasonably sure they will. The fact that she hasn't contacted you is troubling from the perspective of her future, and I can absolutely understand how you would be hurt. But it takes two to be friends. If you're the one who is always reaching out and being the helper, it isn't a friendship, in my mind. I don't envy you. It is hard to realize and deal with the idea that someone you care about (as a friend or any other relationship) just isn't going to reciprocate the relationship.
ladyprof70
Level 7
June 4, 2018
5
I agree. In my old age, I have less and less space in my heart for one-sided/non-reciprocal "friendships."
Thx for your response. I appreciate your perspective. She texted a happy pic of herself & her daughter to me about an hour ago. I think I'm going to remain quiet, feel like I need to process this prior to responding. I will definitely express my disappointment, concerns, and be more guarded as a result of this experience. I'm not a high maintenance friend, and am willing to give more than 50% if need be to suppot a friend, but I'm beyond being used or taken for granted. Thanks again--I think I needed to vent my frustrations.
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