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What do you say to your kids when a pet or family member dies?

Last year, we adopted a kitten that died a few days later (he was weaned too soon and was in poor health when we got him from the shelter). My children were devastated. My gut inclination was to tell them the kitten was in kitty heaven, because that would have been sooo much easier.

Instead, I told them that the kitten had five days of being loved by our family instead of dying in a cage, and since energy isn’t destroyed, it just changes form, the energy that animated the kitten’s body was now elsewhere in the world, perhaps animating another kitten who would live a full life. I let them know the kitten no longer felt pain, and that it was natural to grieve. But it sucked.

Being atheist means not gilding things and as a parent, man, that was hard. What are your experiences?

RiskyWriter 4 Dec 27
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24 comments

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10

It takes every ounce of my willpower to not play Monty Python's dead parrot skit. Just joking. I have dogs and I'm 61, when one dies I will been sad beyond belief, but I will get another rescue and start over. I may not believe in a god but I do believe in love. This is what I will tell children.

I wish I could have pets in my apartment (not allowed). When we lived in a house, we had two cats and two dogs....they "lived" in the shed (insulated) and we were like wet rags against the pole when these pets passed.

9

I don't know, I thought your explanation was fine and I sure don't think it sucked. Your too hard on yourself.

gearl Level 8 Dec 27, 2017

It was a good explanation

7

Need to be honest and say to them this is natural.

6

They’re gone except in your heart.

5

My older disabled daughter takes loss very seriously. She will cry and get upset-can't say if she believes in heaven. My 22 yr o\ld daughter cries when an animal disappears or dies but when her only grandfather died at 90 3 years ago-no tears and no desire to attend his funeral. I tell it the way it is.

3

I always say that they are dead, but they live on in our memories.

2

I've had the same experience with loosing pets and comforting kids. Explaining that, as you said, they had a great life with us. Let's remember the positives and be grateful for the opportunity we had to be apart of their life. No other explanation needed.

2

When my daughter was young, I explained death in pretty simple terms. The heart stops, the brain stops, and they/it is just no longer here. I probably used a flower as an example -- so she could visualize that is was alive, and now it's dead. She had tons of other people referring to god and heaven all the time......ugh....

2

Inappropriate humor warning! A man had been away from home for a long time. His brother met him at the airport, walked up and said "your cat is dead". The man got angry and said " you could have done that slowly. You could have started by saying'your cat got out of the house and went up on the roof.We tried to get her down but eventually she got sicker and died'". Finally the man calmed down and said " well, lets let that pass, I don't want to be mad my first day back.How are things here? how"s Mom?" His brother said" Mom? Uh, Mom's on the roof".

2

In my case it would be the kids (if I had them) COMFORTING ME on the loss of a pet.

1

The truth, gently and with compassion.

1

Puffy is dead.

His name was Taco. ????

That isn't to say that we don't cry ourselves sick, miss him madly, and hold one another crying over the terrible loss. We don't say, "Puffy went to heaven". Then we wait a while and heap our love onto another, we remember, but we have love and need to put it to good use again at the Animal Shelter.

1

If is a pet "come and help me bury it". I was taken to my grandfather funeral when I was like 5. I remember meeting my "famous uncles"... they were notoriously mafiosos horse race jockeys in Puerto Rico. The "Iglesias brothers". They gave an old quarter to every child in the funeral... to each of us they told us it was their Lucky Coin... to keep it forever. When I checked with my sister and cousins... he, he, ha, he, he. They came on their convertible cadillacs with broads as if they were stars to their father funeral... IS THE ONLY THING I REMEMBER OF MY GRANDFATHER FUNERAL.

1

I think you did it exactly right, and I'm glad you resisted that gut inclination.

1

Thats why I only get pets I can eat

LOL! How do you deal with killing them? I could NEVER kill a pet, unless it was suffering the end of life - and even then the Vet has to do it - unless they gave me the hypodermic for it - but they won't. I would never kill anything unless I had to eat it out of hunger - but would eat your socks first.

@BrigittaCuadros I don't wear socks, Perhaps you might find some other article of clothing more appetizing.

1

"So and so (be it pet or Mrs Kate from up the road) is dead".

0

It takes more time to explain but it's the right thing to do.

0

I asked my mom if she ever told me that a deceased pet went to heaven because I didn't recall them ever saying that to me, she did. But I also don't recall that ever making me feel better. I honestly think the fact of knowing they are dead and don't have to deal with pain or anything else anymore is comforting. I'm still gonna cry though because I am never going to see them again, but I find comfort in the truth.

0

Children should be prepared for death early on. For example, when there is road kill, we talk about it by first listening to what the child expresses. The answer should be according to their age. Even when a plant dies, explain what happened and that all life comes to an end. Acknowledge the loss and give small examples. Don't hide illness from a child and let them know that it does not lead to death or that it can. Mitigate the fear of loss and that death is nothing more than turning off the light. It is the process of dying that is hard to explain to a young child.

0

better an ugly truth than a beautiful lie

0

Love that. Well done.

0

I say be sad they've died, be angry and sad they're gone from your life, remember they joy they brought and remember them fully and speak of them often. Talking story on the dead keeps them alive for you and helps others know your loved one more fully.

My only goal is to be remembered often and well.

0

enjoy every day of your life as well as possible.[ It could be your last]

0

“’Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.” 😉

In reality, I think death of a pet is a healthy experience for a child, to help them understand what the life cycle is, to understand (if not sugar-coated) that life is unpredictable and death comes to us all eventually, but it's not to be feared and is a reminder that we must make the best of whatever time we have, to treat people with kindness and do something important, no matter how small, and take time to enjoy life.

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