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It's no more (and no less) than an identity crisis...

I don't talk about what I do for a living. I've mentioned it once in a reply on this site. So here it is: I'm a server. I wait tables. And I'm good at it. I average over $23/hr., it works beautifully with my custody schedule, and I can take time off whenever I want. I have no credit card debt. No car payment. I own my own home. I left my depressed, unemployed, hoarder husband, and I scraped and clawed my way out of the situational depression that follows leaving a seventeen year relationship. My son is bright, funny, and kind, not to mention surprisingly well-adjusted. I have the most amazing friends and family. I make music, I write stand up, I exercise fairly regularly. I am, by most standards, doing well. And in spite of all of this, I still am ashamed that I don't have a "better" career option, or plans to go back to school and "make something" of myself. I know I have two options: change my mind about how I feel, or change my occupation. And let it be known that, to my knowledge, no one has judged me for this. No one but me, that is.

I've been in cognitive behavioral therapy for a while and I journal daily (and have for over a year now), but this topic has taken a back seat, given all the other things I've worked through recently, but now it's pushing its way to the forefront of my mind. I don't think a career change is feasible, so the only option left is to change my mind about how I feel about what I do for a living. It doesn't define who I am, but it's a topic that comes up when meeting new people: "What do you do?" I dread that question, assuming that others will think I'm "just a waitress." And I know what I need to do, but I also feel that I need more tools to be able to accomplish it. And I have no plans to get "creative" with my job title.

So my question is this: have you ever felt ashamed of what you do for a living, and if you managed to get over it, how did you do it? I don't need people to pity me. I'm doing just fine. But I am frustrated and tired of feeling like I'm not enough because of my job title.

Nottheonlyone 7 July 15
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7

Honestly, I'm ashamed that we live in a society that that judges one's worthiness based on their occupation, particularly when it's a job that no one wants to do without. To work in the service or retail industries is to always be expected to have an exit plan, but if we all could and DID leave, then all of a sudden everyone would have to cook their own food, find their own products in stores, clean their own hotel rooms, drive themselves, and countless other things that we take for given. Nevermind that our consumer based economy would collapse like a paraplegic with a vanishing wheelchair.
Look; admittedly I don't know you. All I have to go on is what you've told us here and what I can glean off of your profile, but from what I see, you're a friggin rock star! Maybe even literally.
We live in a society that judges people based on how they make their money as opposed to how they live their lives. Don't let society's opinion of you dictate how you value yourself. Pursue the things that move you and your family forward; you know what those things are better than any of us. When the things that we tell you, as a community or as individuals don't resonate with that, feel free to throw it out with the rest of the trash. I know it's easier said than done, particularly given that social acceptance is intrinsic to the nature of social species, but take a look around... Society gets it wrong all the time, we've got our own issues that we can't get right, and you've got enough problems on your own without internalizing the idiocies of the broader world.
Know that you are valuable to those that matter and that you serve a valuable role in society, even if we're too egotistical to acknowledge it.

A very good server should be proud of what they do. It takes a special person to do that job well and enjoy it. Those are skills/talents that few can be taught. I don't understand why people think servers should be seeking a "better" job or are undeserving of decent wages. No one really wants an unskilled waiter serving them.

It's not really society judging me, it's me judging me. And I'm doing my best to let it go. Some days are just harder than others.

@GinaMaria because part of the rhetoric used to keep minimum wage low is that it's for 'unskilled labor' jobs where intentionally derided parts of the population (read: lower income, non-academic, minorities, teenagers, etc.) are used as a sort of negative comparison to people whose jobs require intensive or extensive training to keep both sets of wages low. Low-end white collar employees bristle at the idea that blue collar (read: any job that doesn't require working in an office and/or a suit and tie) people will make as much as they do without having to go through the same level of systemic processing, never realizing it's just a ploy to keep the lower ends of the economic structure fighting each other for kitchen scraps instead of storming the grain silo.

@geist171 In Germany, waitstaff train formally for several years for their profession. Longer if they wish to tend bar (a promotion) or act as host/maitre'd.

@GinaMaria I've spent more or less my entire professional career in kitchens, and a variety of them. I can make and toss pizza dough, I can run and maintain dangerous equipment. I can double batter and deep fry two chicken breasts on the fly, make a pizza from dough ball to oven by hand tossing, finish plating and sending three grill orders, get the chicken out of the fryer put it in the oven with sauce cheese and garlic knots, turn the pizza, drop pasta in water, set the plates, plate and send two more grill orders, take the chicken and pasta and garlic knots and turn them into plates of chicken parm, send those, pull box and cut the pizza...in about 18 minutes. On a hit of LSD, chattering with the other guys in the kitchen about music without stopping except to call order up or answer server questions, with no mistakes.

In America I classify as an unskilled laborer and am worth about $9.50/hr. I realize the LSD thing looks bad but you try focusing for 6 hours and crushing a busy Friday night during tourist season on a hit of acid without anyone but the kitchen crew knowing about it.

@Nottheonlyone Maybe so, but could you really say that if our society held servers in high regard, that you'd still feel the same sense of inadequacy? And yes, I understand how you feel. I honestly feel like it's hard to date because of what I do (and consequently what I make).

@ghettophilosopher Absolutely not. You've hit the nail on the head. It just bothers me because I've only heard it second hand from others, but the voice in my head takes it very personally.

@geist171 absolutely.

5
  1. I spent ten years in restaurant kitchens and a really good server is worth their weight in gold.

  2. I spent ten years in restaurant kitchens because I started working in restaurants and the inertia involved in work history locks you into a career track and no one tells you until the semester you graduate that unless you immediately enter grad school and start on the PhD track, the job market has no respect for social science degrees and the skill set that comes with it.

  3. The longer you work in restaurants the more clear it becomes just how many people who act superior to you would starve without you because they lack the skill or time to feed themselves. And while it's infuriating they don't appreciate it more, that makes it no less a vital service.

  4. the food service industry is abusive by nature and often excluded from labor standards like paid vacations, health benefits, and the like. After the last couple of jobs ended so poorly (at my last job I was working 55 hour weekends with 1 other cook and 1 driver in a pizza place that's open until 5am and delivers all over town, with 5 stations, two phone lines and a counter. And when I told the boss i needed more help because I was burning out hard he just cut my hours so low I couldn't survive anymore and so I quit) I decided now was a pretty good time to front burner and attempt to monetize my creative passions, so I've been aggressively working to finish worldbuilding and get the first manuscript for a novel series drafted.

It might be worth investigating your music or writing as a potential source of income.

Writing is the dream.

@Nottheonlyone make it the reality.

It's a stupid platitude I know, but it's also an open-ended long-term identifying choice. The project I'm working on has been in the works for 20 years next fall, off and on as a collective pool of creative ideas in various degrees of the back or front of my mind and it's just in the last few years things have begun to reach the point of final synthesis and drafting. It's all notes and bits of disjointed narrative. I'm putting a lot of eggs in this basket and apart from my own pride at how it's all coming together I have nothing to show for an incalculable amount of time and energy.

I diversify my interest portfolio like any smart investor, I'm learning music and music theory, I have a couple of other book ideas (but as they involve this world I need to visit a couple of places first) and my ADD pretty much means at any given moment any topic whatsoever could possibly send me into a 6-hour research session.

@geist171 One thing I know about myself is that starting is the hardest part. Once I'm into it, it is hard for me to quit. Maybe I'll add a designated time to write before bed, just like I journal first thing in the morning.

Thanks for the encouragement.

@Nottheonlyone my dad occasionally pokes me about how I should write because when I was young our computer was filled with stories I'd started. I got about 34 chapters into a story in middle school and realized I'd lost the first 8-12 chapters. It was kind of heartbreaking. Most of my ideas don't hold my attention longer than a few hours of writing, and I used to blog (and will again one day) but this has been the one idea I've managed to really stick with.

That first line of draft is the woooorst.

One of the writing workshop things I've enjoyed has been give yourself 10 minutes to write a 100 word or fewer story hook that includes a character, a place (I think, it's been a while) and some conflict or issue for that character.

Some writers do find that scheduling a regular time to write is an important part of the process.

@geist171 I can't imagine accomplishing it any other way.

@Nottheonlyone because what I'm working on is fiction, daydreaming equals research, and I spend 20% of my daily energy trying to focus on things and pay attention to my surroundings. I can free up that energy, spend six hours sitting in a chair doing nothing and put in 4 hours of solid work figuring out this issue or that issue in my mind and only do about thirty seconds of actual writing, or I could sit down with my notebook and not stop writing notes for 8 hours. I could journal on a schedule but trying to write like that involves me staring at a blank page/screen for three hours and then having great ideas hours later when I'm nowhere near a way to record it.

@geist171 When I'm not near my notes, I send texts to myself. Gotta grab the magic when you can!

@Nottheonlyone the memo app on my phone is my best friend there. But touch screen keys cannot keep up (even with swipe and predictive text) with my typing speed or even my handwriting speed when I'm in the zone.

@geist171 You can laugh at me if you like, but my preferred method is still pen on paper. At least for the creative stuff, anyway.

@geist171 I use text for snippets, reminders of the topic at hand to be fleshed out later.

@Nottheonlyone and I'm right there with you. I have a 5-subject notebook by bed, a legal pad on my desk, and about 4 moleskines lying around for various purposes, including the one in the kitchen where I write down recipes and the one near my dj controller and midi keyboard for notes when I'm working with those.

I love me some notebooks. 🙂

4

Sounds like your doing ok .
I'd recommend using the ' ppl being judgmental thing ' to your advantage of course .
When ppl show you their judgmental nature , try being thankful that they showed that to you so you won't be wasting your time getting to know them or being concerned with their sanctimoniousness .

" America is a sanctimonious society of hustlers , everybody's got a scam "
Gore Vidal...

My ex was really judgmental. Huge red flag to me now.

3

Hang in here with me... this is going somewhere, I swear. A guru of CBT came and gave a talk to those of us who were learning the method (and now I do CBT)... he told the tale of an unhappy man who was depressed. He was a janitor at a school and just couldn't get past deciding not to get an engineering degree 15yrs prior, and felt he undershot his career, and missed happiness. Guru had the guy take note every hour, on the hour of what he was doing at that exact time, and how he was feeling right then and there, for a couple of weeks. In looking at the list after 2 weeks, he saw that his at-home/bored time was when he felt down, and he felt useful at work and loved doing his job (hands on, fixing sinks, tangible outcomes, solving problems, etc). He had previously thought the job was unrewarding, and menial. He realized he was wrong. It was perfectly rewarding and fulfilling to him to be working with his hands. .... I'd be willing to bet that if you avg $23/hr...you're not just a server, you're a DAMN FINE server...probably one of the best on the staff. That type of job performance doesn't happen if you don't like the work. One doesnt excel at something one hates. Life is also about who we interact with, and how/at what level we interact. You are probably a listening ear or a cheerful smile. Is a one-on-one, personal interaction. Would life seem better without those hours of facilitating people getting the food they want, with all the banter, personal connection and immediate gratification when you recieve an extra good tip? A "real" jobby-job-type-job often removes the immediate gratification and you become a cog in a wheel. Some people find gratification in being a cog. Some dont. Just like some school janitors "just clean up puke"...and others "facilitate a healthy educational environment." If you rock at it, and it brings you happiness... Answer me this... do you need other people to respect the job title, if you find the job fulfilling and your life is otherwise damn fine? (This has been a little thought from a therapist based on very little info, and I may be completely wrong).

No, you're actually quite right. In the time since I first posted this, I've made a pro and con list about my job. And what I realized was that I love serving. My pro list was all about the actual job. My con list was made up of all the things I don't like about the particular restaurant I work for. I even had a moment when I realized I hated folding my work slacks, that just doing that filled me with dread. Gillian Welch wrote a great line that resonated with me: "I never minded working hard; it's who I'm working for." So pretty soon, I'll be updating my resume and looking to beat that average somewhere else.

Thank you for such a thoughtful comment. Really.

@Nottheonlyone You are most welcome! I didn't realize your post was a couple weeks old! until I looked at past replies... which I never hardly read when I reply to someone ; ) Ah, yes, the old pro/con list! Well played! I'm really glad to hear of your new perspective... best of luck in your search! Your love of and talent at the job will continue to bring joy to everyone. That is a gift to the world.

@MissMac Wow, you're welcome!

3

Yes, change your attitude about it. Nobody ever judges us more harshly than we do. And anybody who judges you about being a server has never done the job.

When someone asks me what I do, I usually say I mostly make inappropriate comments. If they ask me what I do for a living, I'll tell them.

3

I always feel ashamed of what I do earn a check. I always feel as if the world is looking down on me for washing dishes, selling appliances, digging ditches, whatever it is I’m doing. Mostly I don’t get over it. I go work, then come home, get drunk, wake up and do it all again.

Change your perspective and you’ll change your life, probably shouldn’t stop being a server though. If you’re good at it and you like it, you shouldn’t stop.

If it helps, I’m sure there are a few people working on the cure for cancer who feel pressure to “make something of themselves” too.

3

There's no shame in being gainfully employed. Any job that pays the bills and affords you and your family a life is by my definition "good".

3

That question always comes up fast in the US. In Canada and Europe (I heard) that question is much hated. Hard to please everybody (including oneself). When I say, I'm self-employed or a consultant, many think it's a way to mask that I don't have or can't get a job which is how it all started actually.
This will appear to be strange and shallow saying but the neighbour's grass is always greener in fact means grass appears greener when you look at it sideways not from above like one sees their lawn.
You've been through a lot. You're a survivor. You're on top so make sure you stay on top regardless of what others say. Maybe you could take advantage of you flexible hours to explore other stuff. (many would envy you on that level).
Glad to read that post because you're strong.

Lukian Level 8 July 17, 2018
3

If you enjoy what you're doing and the living it gives you, be proud of what you do. Good people are in every field of service.

3

You have a really good job for all of the reasons you mentioned, and it's the sort of job you don't have to take home with you (literally or mentally) — and it's because of your efforts that people have a more enjoyable time when dining out. I have a job that people sometimes find impressive but, truth be known, I'm kind of miserable in my work and I find it quite stressful. I don't love my official job title, i.e., the one HR has on file for me, but I gave myself one that suits my job function better that I use in official correspondences (but that's a matter of practicality and doesn't change much other than my relationship to customers who need support). In my previous job, the title was irrelevant; I was more concerned with the fact that I was making so little money that I couldn't afford health insurance or regular trips to the dentist. Before that, I briefly tried my hand at selling knives door-to-door, but bailed when they asked me to purchase the sales kit (being fresh out of college, broke, and opposed on principle to giving a new or potential employer money for the right to work for them). And back in college, for summer jobs, I worked in a factory as a laborer, for a summer camp doing groundskeeping, and for a tree service helping to take down trees and clean up the site of logs and limbs. I wouldn't say I was proud of those jobs, but I didn't feel too self-conscious about them either. I think when I was younger I'd have felt a little differently about wanting a prestigious job or career, and it maybe would have bothered me to have a long-term job that didn't feel "professional" in some way, but my perspective over the years has changed significantly and I'd rather be happy in the work itself than focus on job title. My definition of success is very different now from what I considered it to be when I was 20. Now, if I could feel like I were helping people in some way and that I were good at my job without excessive stress, I wouldn't mind working pretty much anywhere that paid me reasonably well. (Money isn't my major motivation, either, but I do need enough to live and to plan for the future; beyond that, I don't need much.) If anyone has a problem with your line of work, or if they're fixated on your job title, they're clearly too immature for you. If you still feel like your job isn't prominent enough, I'm wondering if there's a way of reinforcing in your own mind that you like your job and to convince yourself that it's something to be proud of. For instance, maybe when someone asks what you do for a living you could say something like, "I'm a successful waitress/server." Or, perhaps, "I'm a waitress, and I really love my work because it is so flexible and it gives me time to spend with my kids that I wouldn't otherwise have, etc." I'm thinking by actually saying that you enjoy your job and/or that you're good at it, and verbalizing what you like about it, you not only convey that energy to others but also start to internalize it and push out any negativity you may feel about it.

Thank you for this perspective.

3

I have struggled with depression as well. Maybe you can reframe this in the telling. A waitress , the word sounds boring. You make good money you guide people through a farm to table dining experience. As an example.

I'm in sales. So many people , even here have a very negative view on sales. I love what I do I help people reach their dreams, provide for the childrens future, help build local businesses etc.

Think about what you do for people and tell THAT story.

2

“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life.” - John Lennon. Sounds like you got it down.

2

I'm an academic advisor at a university. I help students figure out what they're doing with their lives. I can't say that I'm ashamed of what I do for a living, but I do face burnout pretty frequently and think about changing jobs. One thing that I struggle with about what I do is this: It took about 7 years of school, two degrees, and a boat load of debt to get where I am. My brother has a high school diploma and makes twice what I make at a tool manufacturer. He owns a home and land and has a family. I'm mostly just scraping by. I chose my job because I wanted to help young people transition to adults, and I love it. But having all this education isn't always what it's hyped up to be. I agree that it's a shame we live in a society that judges people's worthiness based on their occupation and even their education because we need people to do every job, or our society would quit functioning. We need servers just as much as we need people to produce tools just as much as we need people to help our youth. If you can't change your situation now, I hope you can learn to see the value in what you do. And in the meantime, you can start dreaming about what you would do and what you would need to do to get there. A dream can easily turn into a goal, given the right circumstances.

Add to that last statement, dream about what you would do IF you were to decide to change occupations.

2

Sustenance provider? Fuel delivery engineer?

I think if you are good at what you do take pride in that. You do not need to do better and by the description you provided it sounds like you think this is a good fit for you.

I mean go and explore a career change but after spending all the money on a college degree are you going to feel that much better about what you do saying I am a nurse? (or whatever)

2

You have no reason to feel ashamed. Your work provides a needed service, and you are obviously good at it. If you enjoy it and the human contact it provides, you are a lucky person.You can still seek , by various means, to expand your learning while staying in the work. I have a graduate degree, but I would not judge you if you are a good waitress and a good person. If you were a bad and/or rude waitress, that would be a different story.

2

The vulnerability of this post is breathtaking. Thank you!

Thank you for taking the time to read it.

2

In my current job, I was trained a little over 9 years ago by a man who was in his second or third career. At one point, he was a waiter in a high-end restaurant. He said he loved his work, considered it a privilege to be a part of people's lives at some of their most important milestones, and wouldn't trade a moment of it. If it's something you do well, and you enjoy it, be proud and happy that you've found your calling.

2

No, I haven't and never will. Some people will always have an opinion and set the bar high for what they think I should've accomplished. What do they know anyway?.... If I know who I am and what I want then why would I care?. If you still feel like owe an explanation to whoever then don't tell them you are a waiter, tell them you are THE best waiter has ever been. Proud is everything

2

Hey, I'm an IT professional and I struggle to make a living sometimes. Of course, years of crippling child support payments contributed to that (another story). But with what you described, your general state of indebtedness, I would say you have a successful life.

godef Level 7 July 15, 2018
2

Ok ..as a younger man I was a waiter in a posh French restaurant ..it was unbelievably difficult in so many ways..the pressure..the memory requirements..alertness..speed..accuracy..coping with asshole after asshole..praying the tips would be kind..

I finished college and got into I.T
Now using many of those skills in Stockfile Maintainance & Wharehousing in Retail industry.

But I still am absolutely sure that waiting tables was in so many ways the toughest, gruelling, soul-destroying, and most thankless job I have ever had.
I couldn't cope with it now.

I admire people that do. I for one look forward to meeting people that can stick it out..and take care of kids..and the multitude of other daily struggles life throws at people..

They have nothing to be ashamed of..they are rocks and pillars of strength IMO.

1

It’s a weird cultural question and it’s quite intrusive - “What do you do?” And parents would ask me as a child “what does your father do for a living?” I find them as rude as “Are you married?” and “Do you have children?” . I don’t know why there is a need to ask (or reply to) such stupid questions. The next time I am asked I am going to say I am a stripper - at 250lbs - that should shut their cake holes.

Livia Level 6 Aug 12, 2018

Oh and BTW, when I do go out, someone who is serving me my food can have a powerful effect on my day. Great service people are hard to find, but when you have great service, it puts a bit of joy into people’s life and brings them back. It’s what makes a bar fun/cool, it’s what makes a coffeehouse a place you want to hang out.

1

Why would you feel ashamed ??

Buddha Level 8 July 15, 2018

Because I truly believe I could have been so much more.

@Nottheonlyone
Well I see in you an intelligent attractive, hard working lady.
You can never tell what's on your horizon, and you are still young.
I guess if I had any words of advice, I would say "don't look back, look forward" !
Also, the ukelele is envogue now !!! 🙂

@Buddha Progress, not perfection!

@Nottheonlyone send me a song ! 🙂

@Buddha I'm waiting for my camp performances to be published! ?

@Nottheonlyone
I can't wait. 🙂
I'm requesting my autographed celebrity photo now before you are a superstar!

@Buddha I promise, I'll never be too famous to do that!

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