Just got a call from my 90 yr old mother. I have a very dysfunctional relationship with my family. My father died 3 years ago yesterday. I found out about it 2 days later. I answered a post on FB yesterday reminding her I was notified 2 days later. My mom said I should have lit a Yazheit candle(prayer candle) and prayed night before last showing respect for my father. I reminded her I don't pray. I also wanted to remind her how I was physically and emotionally abused by them as a child, but I stopped there. What would you have said?
I had a horrible relationship with my mother all my life, but at the end of hers, she forgot about it all because of the increasing dementia. We still had some conflicts when I went to see her, but I let them slide. I figured, WTF, she's 96 and either doesn't remember or has completely revised our history, making any recitation of it pointless. I don't know how cognizant your mother is, but perhaps you should do the same.
I call to keep in touch deliberately on non-holy days I can't make them notify me of illness and family deaths. ....with dozens of 3rd generation cousins great nieces/nephews it's further proof no person will be united in after life families populated by thousands we have never met centuries ago or centuries to come
I would have said "Thank you for the reminder, Mother. I will consider what you have said." and then let it go. It upsets you, she will never change or admit to wrong doing. Don't let her get a rise out of you, be as non committal and non confrontational as possible. Remember, they can't hurt you physically any more, and you can minimize the emotional hurt by disengaging. I am sorry you had such a crappy childhood, however you're stronger for it.