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I don't know what you all think about devotion in relationships, but here's my take: aside from being dumped or abused, nothing would make me give up on a romantic relationship once one started. That kinda makes me have high standards for personalities, but it seems the mentally healthiest route. My parents explained the idea of working out problems even if you do get angry at each other when I was little because I heard someone's parents were divorced at school.

This link is basically a summary of what they said:

By Jnutter8196
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12 comments

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1

I know it seems obvious to say, but I think one of the most difficult parts of a relationship is that people don't communicate. They either don't take time to think about how to talk to one another before blurting out something that is taken in a way they don't mean, or alternately don't give a person time to clarify. Or maybe they do things out of spite.

Or worse, they just don't talk about things to begin with and just hold it in (which I think is because of an aversion to conflict). When this guy says people will avoid conflict if they can, he's totally right. People seem to be real bad at dealing with conflict and nobody seems to want to allow people the opportunity to make the little mistakes, so they hide them until they erupt into big problems.

As far as staying in a relationship, I think a lot of that depends on the beginning strength of it. If it seems like we fight a lot, I would probably never take it to the level of marriage. I am very discerning about who I spend time with. That said, I don't believe romance has to be monogamous, and if monogamy doesn't seem like the right fit for a particular relationship I'm in, there would be a conversation.

Spoony Level 4 Jan 8, 2018
1

yep it takes tonnes of hard work and compromise and a fair amount of tongue biting but total commitment is the only way I can figure

As far as tongue biting, there are definitely some things you shouldn't say, but there's usually a good way to say it if you actually have a complaint

Otherwise I agree with your comment completely

1

There are three things that I will not tolerate and will immediately end a relationship : physical abuse, emotional abuse and infidelity. I don't stand for any of that toxic bullshit. No one is worth sacrificing well being and self respect, and a person who would treat someone like that isn't worth love or devotion

JaciBea Level 7 Jan 7, 2018

depends how many years you've aleady invested in your partner. shit happens and do you really want to unravel your entire life over principles of monogamy

Forgiveness is hard, and learning from such an experience can be even harder. The one thing I would suggest is something like what this guy says around 9:50 to 10:45 [videoshub.net]
basically make your boundary clear beforehand so that any time he is tempted he is like "no, I'm not fucking this up."

@markdevenish the amount of time I've been with someone is irrelevant. There's not much else a person could do to prove they don't love me. Cheating is not a mistake. It is a deliberate, conscious act of betrayal.

@markdevenish I suppose there's a major difference between polygamy and infidelity. Infidelity is due to a massive breakdown in trust or respect for another person. If you are cheating on a person, you can't honestly say you care about their feelings, because you are actively betraying their trust.

But a mutual agreement to open a relationship is a whole other story. Both parties are showing trust in one another to expand their romantic interests with the idea that they won't diminish how much they care for one another. That seems totally healthy to me, as long as both people are honest about how they feel.

1

I don’t know if I believe in divorce. It makes me wonder if I believe in marriage anymore. 10 years of her untreated emotional trauma killed my love. For 10 years, I waited for her to tell me something and the night she told me, I felt nothing. I think 3 months earlier, before I had moved out of the bedroom, if she had said it, we’d be married and closer than ever. Regardless, after spending a decade waiting, I had to be the one to file for divorce. In court, the judge asked me why and I said “we’ve grown apart” and the judge said that’s not a valid reason and asked for more. “For 10 years, she has told me she was in love with someone else.” That was enough for the judge. The statement I was waiting for wasn’t even that she wasn’t in love with this other person, but that I could be enough. That her heart could be whole with just me. So, who am I to judge? I understand commitment. I understand what it means to stand by someone in spite of everything. But as others have said here, there is more to love and relationships. Do not enter into one or leave one lightly is my way now. If I meet the right person and they want marriage, I’d be game, but they’d need to understand what that means to me.

DJVJ311 Level 7 Jan 7, 2018
0

Your abuse is another person's fetish lol. Physical and/or emotional. I think some people have fetishes and DON'T EVEN KNOW IT! I know women who have not announced it, but i see that they like submitting to men, even when the man cheats, lies, abuses, etc etc etc. Of course a lot of women are just scared to leave, but I have met women who have had the opportunity to leave, and they start making excuses. I digress though lol

Relationships change. A lot of people are putting their best foot forward in the beginning, or before you start to live with each other. I believe so many marriages end in divorce or misery because most of those people were just wearing masks to begin with. A lot of people also don't look at real compatibility factors. Ever hear someone say they are really into someone because they are "exciting" or "name anything else here" that's pretty superficial. Well, those aren't real characteristics of what you should look for in a partner if you want it to last. At least I don't think so. All relationships slow down at a certain point. If you based it on superficial compatibility factors then of course it's not going to last.

I don't think you should stay with somebody "just because". I've heard all the excuses. "We invested so much into it already" or "we did it for the kids". FOR THE KIDDDDS!!!!!

Nobody gets off on abuse. That is patently absurd.

A woman who stays with an abusive, lying, cheating man is there for one reason. Fear. Fear of MANY things. But, it's fear, not fetish.

@BlueWave You might think it's absurd.

@BlueWave I also said some. I didn't say all like you did, and I didn't say it was the only reason like you did with fear. What I'm talking about is most likely a minority, but it happens.

@BlueWave I pulled this off another website. It's a variation of what I'm talking about. It's not the norm, but it does happen.

"I’m a 27 year old woman and I have a fiancee who is good to me most of the time but has been emotionally abusive in the past. He is a very jealous type. We have fights which are very difficult. Also, even when we’re “happy,” I have thoughts of cheating on him. For example, I recently pursued a sexual relationship with another man.

Any time my fiancee and I are “happy” I feel bored, like, it’s not enough. I have this need to feel used for sex or have something illicit done in order for me to feel excitement. This other man I almost had sex with doesn’t treat me very well but is eager to have sex and, that excites me in a depraved way. I find that exciting whereas a stable relationship by itself makes me feel bored and miserable.

I feel so bored with a stable relationship that I think, “Is this all that life is?” It’s like I have to do something risky and possibly self harming to alleviate my unhappiness. I am also into rough sex to the point of feeling violated.

Please tell me what is wrong with me? I want to be a good person but I feel like there’s a monster inside me especially since I am a Christian woman who is engaged to be married soon. Am I some kind of a pervert?"

@BlueWave There are also different levels of abuse. I'm not saying it always has to be the kind where someone is hitting you or threatening your life etc.

Or maybe this woman's account: [dailymail.co.uk]

Yeah, not sure about the abuse thing. BlueWave's explanation sounds more like what I've heard from actual women. Then again, BDSM is apparently pretty popular for a kink.

As to the compatibility stuff, that's what I meant about high standards. Also I'm not generally a superficial person.

@Jnutter819 To be clear, BDSM is meant to simulate abuse, not actually engage in it.

@Jnutter819 Like I said, it's probably rare. Women have said as much as what I said. They can't be ignored. What I said doesn't mean I think it's ALL cases. People will see what someone says and not take into account EVERYTHING they said. Some people will get a knee jerk reaction. I also said some of those people don't even actively know they have a fetish.

@Jnutter819 Sometimes the "abuse" and fetish could be as simple as playing hard to get where a guy ignores the girl and it makes her want to pursue him more. It doesn't always have to be getting strangled and dragged across a floor of broken glass.

2

I seem to be the same way. Even after the second or third date, if we clicked in any way, that woman now has all my romantic attention. I am devoted to trying to make it work.
Other than my marriage, I have never been the one to end a relationship, the woman always dumps me. Because I always see hope and think it's worth the effort.

MrLizard Level 8 Jan 7, 2018
2

I don't believe in being devoted to someone who proves themself to be toxic to me, in any type of relationship.

KKGator Level 9 Jan 7, 2018

If they start out toxic I won't start a relationship. And depending on what you mean by toxic, it might fall under my definition of abuse. I didn't specify physical or emotional.

3

Sorry but I didn't agree that stepparents are lousy parents. My home health aide Emily andher partner Cord are a contradiction to his theory. She has two sons from 2 fathers. She and the father of her 2 year old have been together for four years. The father has two other sons from 2 other mothers and takes full responsibility for them. One of the mothers is a decent motherrbut the second one leaves the child with strangers and is neglectful. She has already lost custody of an
older boy to his grandparents. Now Cord and Emily are fighting for custody of the boy. This mother Emily has taken on responsibility for 2 boys that are not hers. Disagree with his theory.

That a probably millions of other examples of really awesome loving step-parents.

The video was mostly chosen because it reminded me of something my parents said over a decade ago. I don't actually think step parents are inherently bad, though the guy in the video makes sense as far as why some (maybe most) people who date people with kids suck to the kids. (Also, note that he said himself that he was talking about "in aggregate" or basically on average, and that there are terrible bio parents and wonderful step parents.)

3

Mmm... I kind of disagree - but hear me out.

As people age and mature, their priorities change and sometimes a couple can grow apart and the nature of the relationship changes. Once the passion has gone and people slip into routines living almost separate lives, you need to ask yourselves 'Is this worth saving?'

I have been fortunate, I am in a great relationship at present and have been fortunate enough to move on from previous relationships without animosity and in a really positive way - positive enough for my wife and I to meet up with my ex and her husband for dinner when we are in the locale. I also have a good relationship with the mother of my child and my first wife.

It is important to remember the good times and not focus purely on the things that aren't working .Take time to talk, but don't be afraid of change and be honest. If something isn't working for one, then chances are, it isn't working for both.

Really so long as the relationship involves communication and mutual care for the other's well-being, this seems like it could work. However, in my opinion, a romantic relationship with someone who actually cares about me as much as I care about them is worth any amount of work.

Also, no offense, but I intend to build my relationship on a lot more than passion, and maintain it through consistent interaction rather than "almost separate lives"

3

The reasons why people separate or divorce are usually self-evident and do not require study. However, a more fruitful course would be an exploration of why people stay together. Walking out every time there is a disagreement is a reluctance to deal with the issues. Is it not odd that when people separate or divorce they may end up consulting a lawyer, a psychoanalyst or priest but nobody would think of consulting all them (excepting the priest) before getting married?. I’m not saying or advocating that a person should consult any of the above..

I think it could be a great way to show commitment. "I really want this to work, to the point that, if you're up for it, we could go to a professional to see if they can figure out what might cause problems and stop them before they happen." That said, I think it could mostly be solved by talking about how you want the marriage to wind up from the start, so it's not a surprise if your partner says "Okay, our son is six now, I want him to go to church at least once just to let him decide for himself if he wants to keep going." That wouldn't require a professional. Start with generalities like "How many children do you want?" and work towards specifics like the example of a possible surprise I gave.

3

There's nothing wrong with having high standards.

5

Relationships are living organisms, they need attention and care.

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