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Too me this article is another example of blaming the victim. If woman are too soft in their words they are wrong, to tough they are wrong. Lets be clear the reason they are treated in certain ways is because they are woman and likely the person on the other side of the desk is sexist towards them. Its the same with people who tell black men to be less aggressive to not threaten or scare the white folk.

Quarm Level 6 Jan 23, 2019

Whereas you're not wrong, I occasionally coach younger women about finding and owning their voice. At my last job, I was working with my senior, she typed up an email and it was fine, but I pointed out she was using "soft" language, sort of an "If you don't mind" message. I pointed out she was a spokesman for the company, the information was expected from that person and needed for us to do our jobs for the benefit of her employee, it was not negotiable that the information be sent. I suggested she keep it friendly but more to the point and less hesitant. I am in my 60s, this young woman in her 30s. Women are conditioned to be soft, told to be nice. You have to be aware of what you're doing before you can change it. Many women are unaware of how they come across.


interesting. i don't do these things, and i am constantly being told (and seeing other people being told) that maybe if i JUST apologized or softened up what i said, my disagreeing with people wouldn't be so bad. first of all, that's not true. people who don't like being disagreed with don't care of you say sorry first. second of all, i'm not sorry so why should i say i'm sorry? (if i am, i do!) and third of all, the last time i apologized (in advance) for saying something, i was called "cunty" anyway. (imagine if i had NOT apologized!) i am more likely to say "correct me if i'm wrong" if i feel unsure, and i mean ti when i say it, and sometimes get corrected. i don't say i might be wrong without an active and sincere solicitation to correct me if i am; everyone might be wrong, after all. if one is unsure, one can always say "i think" instead of leaving the door open for a big kick in the butt!



I often say I may be wrong because I know I might be wrong. Sometimes my drive to be accurate undermines my argument. Why say I might be wrong when I think I’m probably right?


I do this, lol!


Men do this as well. If you aspire to a leadership role these traits can end your career. Be aware of and manage them.


I've dealt with this, too. Say what you mean, you're a bitch. Soften your comments and you get ignored. It's a lose/lose proposition.

Yup. There's a catch 22 going on. Women are perceived differently.


Anyone using that language is weakening their power. Has nothing to do with sex. I love how the article complains about the media talking about Hillary's smile and shrill tone as like it don't happen to men....lmao. Trump's hair and skin never is brought up? Normally I wouldn't say anything but this article is the bias slanted echo chamber kind of stuff that is driving a wedge between people with subtlety. The author must be full of hate and rage toward men to not see reality and write this as tho it is the "patriarchy" being against women.

jorj Level 8 Aug 10, 2018

"Not simply because we are women, but especially because we are women." written in bold after the Hillary example while she ignores men are torn down that same way by the media.


Ugh, and I just caught myself doing this excrement on another thread. /facepalm

That's me to a tee.

@CaroleKay it's a hard mannerism to break.


All three show doubt, apologizing, or second-guessing. Kind of makes sense to me, growing up I often felt that I should be nice and agreeable, and I know a lot of women were raised that way -- put your needs and opinions aside, defer to what others want.

"kind of", <-------- I think that could be considered one. I say that. lol!


So true.


Thank you, what a good article! I’ve been trying to fix my language because I do all of these. I grew up in an abusive environment and these things helped to calm the beasts. I also find I do this mostly with men because they are the ones who’ve been abusive in my life. I still feel it’s needed in certain situations for calming men down so they don’t hurt you. Although it doesn’t always work 😟


While i do agree for the most part, what i will say is some of this is camoflage for survival. If as a woman, one doesn't act this way quite often there is blowback and one gets a reputation as being a bossy impossible bitch. Generally I'm pretty forthright and to the point. I can't tell you how often I've been told that i need to be nicer. I think I'm pretty nice.

I agree it's camouflage. Over the years I've adopted a motto. "I don't care about your dick or your ego". That allowed me not to accept misogynistic behavior as a work place norm. I work in a male dominated field, as many women do, and all the tip toeing just held me back and stripped me of some of my self respect. Taking that motto has done me (mostly) good.

@PalacinkyPDX nope, they can bring me drinks and nibbles though

I too have been told that I am mean because I am not willing to play along with the 'your a woman so you are pre-ordained to be nice, compliant and smiley' theory. I'm happy being labelled as 'mean' because I know I am not. I have wasted too many years of my life in complying with the 'theory' and work hard at not wasting any more. 😀


I've read articles like this before and have taken some of the advice, like mostly removing things like "just asking" from my speech, especially at work.
Other parts are debatable to me. Admitting not being an expert is more like a disclaimer or admission that you don't know if all. (Note, I do agree with the article if you actually are an expert and are just softening the language).

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