Accident Report

Oh god, this is SO embarrassing. I just had to file an accident report regarding a small, job-related issue. Sigh. Well, here it is.

Dear Workman’s Comp,

I am responding to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report. You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

On the day of the accident I was filling in for a friend, a brick-layer. I was alone on the roof of a six-story building and at the end of the day I found that I had bricks left over. Rather than carry them down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley attached to the side of the roof. I secured the rope on the ground level and returned to the roof to load the bricks into it.

When weighed later, these bricks were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

After filling the barrel with bricks, I returned to the ground level and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a steady descent. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 185 lbs. Due to my surprise at being abruptly jerked up off the ground, I lost my presence of mind and did not think to let go of the rope. Instead, I proceeded upward at a rapid rate.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was falling downward at an equally impressive rate. This explains the fractured skull, abrasions and the broken collar bone listed in section 5. Slowed only slightly by this encounter, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of the excruciating pain. However, below me, the barrel of bricks hit the pavement with such force that the bottom broke out and scattered bricks everywhere.

Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed only 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. Predictably, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I once again met the barrel—this time coming up. This accounts for the fractured ankles, cracked tailbone, broken teeth and several lacerations along my torso.

Ironically, the encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I smashed into the pile of bricks—and only four ribs were cracked. However, supine on the pile of bricks, in great agony, I again lost my presence of mind, and let go of the rope.

The last thing I remember before I woke up in the hospital was watching the barrel descend upon me like an anvil on Wily E. Coyote. Which explains the broken pelvic bone, dislocated spine, and months in traction.

I hope this adequately answers your inquiry.