So the government has shut down. Everyone has left the building. The doors are unlocked and the lights were left on. Since no one is in charge and 45 is off playing Golf, I've decided to take over the leadership.
I've been thinking about what sort of title I should insist upon being called since self proclaiming myself Prime. I'm still not sure Prime what but I think I've settled on Prime Number.
Before the shutdown I was just a number. Now I'm a Prime Number which is only divisible by 1 and itself. This is a vast improvement over the past government because they were easily divided by just about everything.
So what do I call myself? I ran through a bunch of adjectives and adverbs but they all seemed redundant. The last group was redundant and I'm a new kind of satirical dictator. Therfore I think "Prime" should stand for itself.
Now for today's decrees. Until the government is reopened, you shall all address me as "Prime". Simple, elegant and to the point.
Effective immediately, all Federal income taxes are rescinded forthwith. Use the money to help the needy or your family. Go out and buy stuff and stimulate the economy. Sorry I can't help with your state income taxes because I'm only taking over for the Federal government while they continue to search for where they left their eyeglasses.
Lastly, while we're on the subject of stimulation, effective immediately anything the Catholic Church has deemed a pleasurable sin is now legal and taxable up to 24%. It would have been 25% but that has been against the law since it was declared illegal by the Brady Bunch in the 1970s. If that's before your time or you just don't remember you're just going to have to trust me on this one. I wouldn't charge any tax at all except someone has to pay to fix the potholes in your driveway since you'll be otherwise occupied indulging in pleasurable sins.
Lastly, all currently incarcerated inmates who are serving time for selling or using drugs will have their sentences commuted and their records expunged. Jail is for assholes who want to keep other people from having a good time - not for people who don't know when it's time to go home. We need more of those people to staff the businesses of the now legalized dispensaries of sin. However, don't be an asshole or you'll find yourself right back in the clink.
That is all for today. I am Prime.