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How would you feel if you found out that the person you have feeling for was transgender?

I'm not talking about deception or what if you were in a relationship and then you found out. I mean how would you feel if you were attracted to someone and later you found out they were transgender. Would you still pursue a relationship with that person? I personally wouldn't mind a bit. I have no issue with what gender they once were. My only issue would be post-op or pre-op.

paul1967 8 Oct 20
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36 comments

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0

Being trans let me say that I am always upfront with were I am in my transition..but here's the thing..After my surgery I am under No Obligation to inform Anyone of my past life..at any point.
I really can't believe that intelligent people would Expect me to tell them something so deeply personal..to tell them the lie I had been forced to live under..I didn't realize I wasn't a girl till bathing with a girlfriend at the age of 4..It upset me no end that I didn't have a birdie(vagina)..I had a timmy(penis)..I was pissed that I couldn't wear a white satin dress and veil for my 1st communion..honestly..it was a total lie..
How many of You are willing to tell your partner all the lies you have lived or told?

12

I’m a straight transman and it wouldn’t matter. Pre, non, and post op doesn’t matter either. Some trans people only want to be with cis people. I’ve dated a pre-op transwoman and it took me a bit to get comfortable, but there was enough attraction. I’ve learned that I fall in love with what is between someone’s ears not what it is between their legs.

CS60 Level 7 Oct 21, 2017

Excuse my ignorance, but what is a "cis person"

"cis" is short for "cisgender," is the opposite of "transgender," thus referring to people whose people whose gender identity matches the sex that they were assigned at birth.

YOU are very cool....

12

I have a friend who doesn't identify as a lesbian but is in a long term relationship w a woman. Both have been married and both have children. The way she described falling in love w her girlfriend was something like this- " when I met her I just KNEW she was the love of my life. Id never been w a woman before and probably won't ever again if this doesnt work out. But I was attracted to her SOUL, her very BEING!!"
I can imagine when you find that it doesnt matter what gender they are of its the same sex or a transgender person. It goes way beyond the physical for some. What a lovely way to think

After 13 years together and 6 married, I finally understood that when I met my ex-wife and she said she was bi-curious, she was almost a lesbian struggling with her identity who really loved me. It's sweet in a way... but the roller coaster ride was nowhere near worth it. I am happy for people who find what you describe though, it is really all that matters.

I've never had that happen to me and maybe if it did I would feel different but I would like to think it wouldn't matter. We are all trapped by an iron age sexual concepts. I love who I love and I love women no matter what gender they were born as.

I happen to think a lot of women feel like this but most won't/don't sleep with the same sex. I'd love to have a female partner, but I'm not interested in sleeping with her. Next lifetime I WANT a wife, that would be so cool. I NEVER want to BE a wife again, fuck that number. Or rather...don't. Or a mother for that matter, next (if there is one and you get to chose) time it's all about ME! I have a feeling it (life) is about something......

11

I am pretty open minded. Beign gay, I have have known several transgender persons, I do nto think my feelings as far as caring for the person would change. although my sexual attraction might.

I have known couples who were wholly committed to each other who no longer have sex... at leat not with each other. There is a wide variety of many kinds of relationship situations under which people exist very happily other than what our culture idealizes as the most desirable.

We are all different and tryign to fit everyone inot the same kind of box just doesn't work.

I think it's indoctrination of a different sort. I think we're indoctrinated to feel it's gross. The one's who are free to explore are the atraditional sexualist among all the traditional sexualist out there

10

Wouldn't care, and I would still pursue a relationship if it was obvious that they cared for me also.

10

My daughter is in a very serious relationship with a transgender. When I first met her girlfriend, I had no clue, and personally I did not care. I want my daughter to be happy. As for me...... I have always told my children that you fall in love with the person, not the gender. If I saw someone and was attracted to them I personally feel I would be attracted with the person and not the gender. What they were before has nothing to do with how I feel about them now.

I fully agree

8

I wouldn't care. I would try to be supportive and understanding that talking about one's transgender status has to be done on one's own timeline.

8

I would be ok with it.

6

Not ever being in that situation, I don't know . I would certainly hope it wouldn't make a difference in our relationship.

That was my answer too. I don't know but I would like to believe it wouldn't impact how I felt because if it did it would be because of a repressed intolerance.

6

I would be absolutely fine with it. For one thing I’m pretty sure I’m bisexual, although so far I’ve only dated men. But I have always been kind of attracted to people of all genders who look androgynous. I’m mostly attracted to men, the only times I have been attracted to cis women has been when they are masculine or androgynous in their appearance. I have also found a lot of transgender women attractive, because many of them are naturally androgynous looking, as well as nonbinary people.

I have wondered same about myself. Ive always been attracted to gay or bisexual men (george michael, david bowie) and androgynous people fascinate me. When I showed my son pics of my 70s hearthrobbs like Leif Garrett and Shawn Cassidy he said he thought they were girls lol

6

It's a question I recently asked a straight friend and he said that he would have to think about it. We know a couple of trans women, but the reason I was asking was because I was recently contacted by a trans man who had not had bottom surgery. I consider him a guy and refer to him as such, but the genitals are a deal breaker. The problem with female to male is that the genital surgery is just not perfected. I also have no problem with the gender at birth issue; it is the genital issue.

5

I would have no problem with it.

5

I would like to think that maybe it would be a little weird at first, but since you like/love that person, you would be used to it. It’s just a part of who they are, and they’re just changing. You just go with the flow.

5

Like you, paul1967, I wouldn't care what gender they once were. The only issue would be post-op or pre-op. Even there if she were still pre-op, I could see myself being willing to wait a bit if she were otherwise the person I thought was right for me. That said, the question does presume an attraction that I have a bit of difficulty imagining. I have a certain affinity for silvereyes' response on that score.

4

Yes, but then again, I am trans gender myself.

4

I have no problem with it regardless if they're pre or post-op. I've been in a relation with a post-op in the past and have known others I've been friends with and a few I had an attraction to I wouldn't have any problem being in a life long relationship with if we found mutual desire and compatibility with each other. It shouldnt matter who or what they are if there's love between two human beings.

4

I wouldn't mind as long as my feelings are strong

4

Pre-op no I would lose all physical interest I would probably have no problem being friends but I don't believe I could get over the feeling they had deceived me. Post-op, they think they are a women and I do too, I may be shocked upon finding out but i would get over it and would feel no different towards them because what ever part of their personality attracted me in the first place would not change.

I feel the same way. Except the deception part because of the scenario I gave was an analogy of how you felt before you interacted with them, would you follow through if they said I'm pre-op or post-op transgender. They would be upfront about it.

How would you know if you were dating a post op M2f?

4

Whatever happends happends. I live in the transgender capital (Miami) and I am close friends with a few. So from an emotional and intellectual point of view no problem. But from a biological perspective a 'road block' would keep it from being sexual.

4

I think that there could be an element of curiosity about getting to know someone in that category, although as someone else said if they were still in the transition phase I think it would be unlikely. I can appreciate that if a woman that was straight were to start getting involved with a trans gender person going from female to male, it could prove problematic, because as a female friend of mine who had a school friend who had had this transition once said to me, "it's easier to dig a hole, than to build a pole"

3

I would be fine with the person themselves! However, this has happened to me and oh boy does it confuse the hell out of me, sexuality wise haha. I've definitely been attracted to both trans-women and trans-men and I don't mind but as a lesbian it's like fuck if I dated a trans-man would that make me bisexual? Pansexual? Or just lesbian except for this one person kind of like demisexual. I'm pretty comfortable with my sexuality to the point to be able to admit that I know who I like and who is attractive but I'm still having trouble with the labeling part of my life because so many people have told me it's just a "phase" that I don't want to be anything else in case they were right, despite my knowledge of labels not mattering. However, I wouldn't mind dating whomever I felt attracted to and just saying fuck it because that's who I want to be with.

Well everyone labels themselves whatever feels right, but in the end, does it matter? You love who you love, and that's the way it goes no matter what label we apply.

@paul1967 No it doesn't really matter. Like I said, I would love who I love regardless. But as somebody who's fought against conservatives just to have the right to say I'm gay my whole life, I do experience some confusion when I am attracted to trans-men (fuck they're so handsome though). But if I were to be in a relationship with somebody who identified as a man, I feel like my love for them would matter more than my label.

3

I really would not care. I would think it's wonderful that they were able to make their transition. I couldn't maintain a sexual relationship with someone with male anatomy because I'm personally just not wired that way though but they would never have to worry about judgement or persecution from me.

3

I agree that the pre/ post-op question would be my only real concern, but it would be something I would want to discuss at length. Both my own attitudes and those of my proposed partner would likely be filled with biases and inconsistencies that would not be entirely mirrored by the other. I would want to know if they have any ideas about expected gender roles in the relationship, partly because I would think ( rightly or wrongly) that acquiring or eliminating perceived role requirements might play a part in how they choose to live now.

3

In all honesty, the answer is firm no from me. My ex-wife was bi-curious when we met and over the 13 years we were together I rode the roller coaster of changes in what she wanted. She was also sexually assaulted a year into the relationship and everything got so muddled that I can't do complicated again. I spent 13 years with this confused person and tried my best. Even if the trans person in question has settled all their issues, it'd be hard for me to see past the fact that they must've had issues at some point and even if they never had issues or questions, I'd probably never believe that to be the case.

2

I have lived as a M-F transgender woman for more than 20 years now. I haven't undergone sex reassignment surgery. I have dated straight/cis men in the UK before and I tell them upfront before the date that I still have 'it'. In my experience, 9 out of 10 straight men really don't mind. They still see me as a woman regardless of the plumbing downstairs and that doesn't make them any gay at all (I have to remind them this again and again). Now, more than half of those I've reminded wanted to pursue a relationship with me but I unfortunately had to turn down plenty with the phrase 'just friends'. I have to choose the lucky one that I am most attracted to (personally looks is NOT an important criterion). Pre-op or post-op should not be an issue if you asked me. But then I'd understand completely if that would be a dilemma for anyone.

2

Q1. How would you feel if you found out that the person you have feeling for was transgender?

A1. If I'm being completely honest I'd feel very disrespected. Not because transgender people have no right to express their sexual identity any which way they like - they do, BUT because they clearly don't seem to give a damn about the responses their presentation to society results in. I know one or two transgender people & as far as I'm concerned do as you please BUT if you were born with a penis & you're 'pretending' you weren't I have to say I find such an attitude dishonest. Now as far as I know you folk don't pretend this but if you did so I'd feel very disrespected.

Q2. I'm not talking about deception or what if you were in a relationship and then you found out.

A2.Oh OK. in that case I'm in the picture & haven't been mislead. If that were the case I'd have nothing to feel mislead about. If I'm really really honest about that I'd feel really 'strange' about any sexual feelings I had. I can't apologize for this because what I feel is what I feel & that's neither right or wrong.

Q3, I mean how would you feel if you were attracted to someone and later you found out they were transgender.

A3. I'd feel very very confused & somewhat mislead.

Q4. Would you still pursue a relationship with that person?

A4. I really really doubt it because if someone can't be totally upfront about something like that from the word go I'd find their trustworthiness deeply in question. Don't get me wrong - if a person 'feels' 100% female in a male body I'm not going to judge them as 'wrong' or 'perverted' or whatever. Do as you please. It's your life so I'm not going to tell you you aren't free to express your identity however you choose BUT rightly or wrongly if I'm someone who prefers honesty to deception I don't see why you have any right to hide your physical nature from people IF you respect their desire for 100% honesty in a relationship. - Is that unreasonable?

Q5. I personally wouldn't mind a bit.

A5. OK that's YOU. - I would feel very very disrespected. - Is that unreasonable?

Q6. I have no issue with what gender they once were. My only issue would be post-op or pre-op.

A6. Again, that's your attitude & I won't judge you're opinion as 'right' or 'wrong'. - All I'm saying is to most heterosexual people (in my humble opinion) you seem to want your cake & eat it too. What I mean by that is your statements are very contradictory. e.g. On one hand you say:

"I'm not talking about deception"

but then on the other you say:

"I mean how would you feel if you were attracted to someone and later you found out they were transgender?"

Now I appreciate that a transgender person may not be in a position to carry a big sign saying:

"I was born with a willy / punanni"

  • BUT they really really shouldn't be remotely surprised by responses from perhaps 99% or people (or there abouts) who's preferences are for people who WERE born with a willy or punanni. Now to you that might seem academic & I can kind of see why but it's really not as simple as that. Maybe the red blooded heterosexuals should just lighten up but like it or not, rightly or wrongly human sexuality is a very very deep dimension of what we feel we are. Play fast & loose with this dimension of personal identity & I kid you not you will NOT be easily forgiven. For this reason alone if not any other you should bear this fact of human nature in mind BIG time! As I say - feel free to express your identity any which way you like because it's your life & nobody else's BUT if you ever attempt to 'have your cake & eat it too' by being anything less than 100% up front about your genital status at birth & you will be judged as being very very dishonest & rightly so. In parting I'll say good luck to you. It cannot be easy to feel at odds with the genital "identity" nature gave you so I appreciate you may well have a lot to struggle with as a result. That cannot be at all easy so I wish you well & I recommend you adhere to 100% honesty about your circumstances at every opportunity - even if it's an opening gambit in a potential relationship situation. I hope that my answer doesn't come across as judgmental. It's not intended to be.
Paul Level 5 Oct 21, 2017

Paul, I'm pretty sure that paul1967 was writing from the standpoint of a cishet non-trans male like yourself, so it's odd that your words above seem directed at him quite personally as if he were trans himself. Also, in all your discussion of deception, you do seem to be missing the point that trans folks have a constant security issue to be concerned about. Those who appear somewhat androgynous are often verbally or physically attacked for gender-bending; those who seem fully feminine or indeed have had surgery also need to worry about prejudice and violence. Of course, you are quite correct that honesty is important, but please don't be quite so quick to assume that the intent is to give anyone an unpleasant surprise. They have to live with prejudice every day of their lives.

"Paul, I'm pretty sure that paul1967 was writing from the standpoint of a cishet non-trans male like yourself, so it's odd that your words above seem directed at him quite personally as if he were trans himself."

Yes you might be right & for that matter you might be wrong. S/he didn't say did s/he so neither of us know. I simply answered honestly. I appreciate that my answer may not be what was 'hoped' for but unless I can answer honestly I see no point in asking the question in the first place,

"Also, in all your discussion of deception, you do seem to be missing the point that trans folks have a constant security issue to be concerned about."

Well I made point of saying that I can appreciate that it isn't at all easy being transexual. The last thing I would want to be is a bigot who cannot accept some people's inner identity.

"Those who appear somewhat androgynous are often verbally or physically attacked for gender-bending; those who seem fully feminine or indeed have had surgery also need to worry about prejudice and violence."

I get that & it's horrible! I've met a few trans folk & can appreciate it can be a very difficult life to live so I hope I don't sound unsympathetic. - Do I?

"Of course, you are quite correct that honesty is important, but please don't be quite so quick to assume that the intent is to give anyone an unpleasant surprise.

I'm not suggesting they are. I'm just pointing out that IF there's a temptation to hide the fact they they were born male & present themselves as female to heterosexual males they are very probably on a hiding to nothing & as a result will probably regret it therefore honesty is the best policy. How can anyone object to 100% honesty?

"They have to live with prejudice every day of their lives."

Of course they do. It must be very very difficult & I can appreciate why this is so. People identify very deeply with their sexuality & often feel very uncomfortable when they find their natural responses disorientated by anyone who isn't completely upfront about their biological foundations. This isn't 'right' or for that matter 'wrong'. It's a simple fact of life & worth appreciating by anyone who happens to adopt a sexual role which may not be the one DNA gave them. As long as this is appreciated their interactions in society are less likely to be fraught with unnecessary friction. - Am I wrong about this observation? - Maybe I am?

Yes you might be right & for that matter you might be wrong. S/he didn't say did s/he so neither of us know.

Actually I do know. I was simply being polite. If you look at paul1967's profile, you'll see that he is listed as a straight male interested in dating women. And he and I had a conversation a couple weeks ago where dating a woman in Kansas was discussed. Of course, paul1967's status as cis or trans is immaterial to the substance of your reply to his question. I only made the observation because the last paragraph in your original reply in particular made me cringe. You were putting words and attitudes into his mind/mouth that paul1967 most certainly does not possess, but, not only that, I feel that you were also assuming a propensity to dishonesty among trans women. That paragraph in particular came across quite poorly even if you had no ill intent.

Hi Vertrauen. Again I'll comment on each of your points here:

"Yes you might be right & for that matter you might be wrong."

Indeed. Every case is individual so we cannot generalize.

"S/he didn't say did s/he so neither of us know. Actually I do know. I was simply being polite."

OK thanks for enlightening me then. I had no idea so I didn't want to pretend that I did know.

"If you look at paul1967's profile, you'll see that he is listed as a straight male interested in dating women."

OK but essentially it's irrelevant who's making a statement it's the content of the statement upon which everything pivots i.e. it's soundness no? We may have the writings of some great ancient philosopher & not have a clue about whether they were male or female, black or white, Greek or Roman (actually the language might be a clue but I think you can see where I'm going with this...) none of that particularly matters really. It's simply a question of the content nothing much else.

"And he and I had a conversation a couple weeks ago where dating a woman in Kansas was discussed. Of course, paul1967's status as cis or trans is immaterial to the substance of your reply to his question."

That is precisely my point.

"I only made the observation because the last paragraph in your original reply in particular made me cringe."

But should it?

"You were putting words and attitudes into his mind/mouth that paul1967 most certainly does not possess, but, not only that, I feel that you were also assuming a propensity to dishonesty among trans women."

No not at all. Not a bit. I was answering the question about how I might feel if a person I'd developed feelings for turned out to be genetically the same sex as me. I then went on to describe a scenario where someone might present themself as the opposite sex as me & with hold information which in any intimate relationship between two people would be deeply disrespectful to the trust that person had invested in them. But I'm not suggesting for a moment that all or even most transexuals do this but I'd bet some - perhaps quite a few, have because the consider an act of omission (to inform) is not as serious as acts of commission (to out & out lie). In the context of the question asked I'd say that this is a very important point to make but in no sense am I accusing the person asking it of doing such a thing or for that matter that most transexuals do. However I'd bet that some probably do & that is dishonesty IF it happens. I hope I'm wrong but watch a film like The Crying Game which I wouldn't say is at all far fetched &
you can see that similar scenarios can & probably do occur & maybe fairly regularly perhaps.

"That paragraph in particular came across quite poorly even if you had no ill intent."

How things come across are not necessarily how they were intended are they Vertrauen? In fact I'd say that's the very issue behind this question. Perhaps if you feel you'd like to quote me word to word - remembering the question I'm replying to as well so you can explain why it was 'quite poor'. - Maybe it was & maybe it wasn't but I'd like to hear if you can justify your judgement or not with a direct quote. - Can you do that? If so I'll understand where you are coming from here but unless you spell it out I'm still in the dark because I made it abundantly clear I have no problem with anyone doing whatever they like to their own body -& believe it or not I've even willingly kissed a transexual man turned female. Does that count for anything here or nothing at all?

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