Agnostic.com

30 8

Is it worth it

Is it worth it to try and meet someone new after your partner dies....I am trying to start afresh after my wife died a year ago...Before I met my wife I was happily single, meeting new women on a regular basis who just wanted sex...then met my future wife...We were happy and in love, we had so much in common it was scary...then she died...I have not met anyone yet who shares the same things and am getting older now...is it worth it now or should I keep trying...

James121 7 Feb 8
Share

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

30 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

10

everyone grieves in their own way. If you have to ask if its worth it, it may not be at this time.I hope this difficult time changes into better things for you

8

I'm sorry for your loss. However, only you can decide if it's worth it to you to keep trying to find someone to spend time with. No one can decide that for you. Good luck with whatever you decide.

It is hard to deal with loss if you have never dealt with loss...especially if you have not had that experience....a year after my loss sadly am still the same but a better blues musician because of it....

@Dragoria Please do not assume I don't understand loss. You'd be wrong, if you did. Everyone deals with it differently. There are no "rules" for handling it.

5

We all deserve love. But only you can know if you're ready to try again. Some people decide not to.
In fact I was reading an article about Terri Irwin - who has not dated at all since her husband , the one and only Steve Irwin was killed in a freak diving accident years ago. She feels that he was her one and only, and she's content with that, and their two awesome children.

But then also - think about the one you lost - I suspect she would want to see you happy again - yes ? None of us know the future - another love may be in yours ...

5

Only you can make that determination my friend. I can only say that life is brief and unpredictable, embrace it now while you still have the privilege and opportunity to do so. I wish you well and success in finding what you are searching for here and in your life.

4

You need to give yourself some more time to grieve..remember you'll never meet another like her..so keep yourself open..

4

Only if you feel ready to do so. Takes some time to grieve and that's okay. Take care of yourself, connect with friends, and if anyone shows up you'll appreciate it when you're ready.

3

That’s something only you know. If you want sex, go get sex. If you want love, go be yourself. If you don’t want anything that you know of just do your thing until you do.

3

Sorry man, I can't help, all I know is I have dated a couple of widows, and there was no way the relationships would have gone anywhere, they were looking for sex, some companionship, but a part of their life was still full with no room for another.

Yeah..same with widowers, and why I wouldn't date them.

3

I think you first need to be comfortable with your situation, if you are still grieving. Grieve. Seek out family connections and friends too! If you want female company but not a relationship, be real.
In the end I truly believe you know what you need to do.

Omg....you are right....I was not prepared that would like me because I am am scared but I have been the one that wants to continue and ||I ned to meet some people new....

3

Geerze..... move around... your young.... stop trying to find someone... I saw a guy get an awesome connection though friends fixing him up with a blind date...

3

My wife died 2 years ago. The first year was HORRIBLE. I guess I'm learning to accept it. I have been dating, have met some great Ladies, just not the one for me yet.

3

It’s worth it. Trust me.

2

I have buried two husbands. After the first I swore I’d be alone forever but I was silly and very young. The second time was more difficult in a lot of ways and I was terrified for it to happen again. Needless to say 16 years have gone by and I’m still alone and very lonely and I have no idea how to go about dating again. My advice to you is let life flow and take its natural course. When you are ready you will know. Take care my friend.

Lisa, I'm sorry -- yes, it was a long time ago, but that is still sad and it is still a part of your life that happened. 😟

I love your post. To me, it could not be said more perfectly.

2

My heartfelt sympathies for your loss. I'm not sure what more can be said that already hasn't, but I'll share my experience. I was widowed in my late 20's. When my partner died I had a lot to contend with because of the nature of his death and the fact that I had an infant. I remained single for many years afterward, primarily because I had a lot of responsibility -- raising a child and working full time. I simply didn't have time to invest in a relationship without it interfering with what little time I had to be with my child.

Eventually, I did remarry when my daughter was older and less needy, but I married someone who was a widower. He had only been widowed 18 months when we got married. We dated for 9 months. It became clear to me early on in the marriage that he had not fully grieved the loss of his late wife --- had not fully let go. It impacted our relationship because her "ghost" was present a lot if you get my drift.

I know it's been hard for you. The first year is especially hard. I don't see anything wrong with you getting out and meeting women, and having some lighthearted fun and a little companionship. But be aware of your thoughts when you are getting to know other women. Does your late partner pop into your head a lot when you're out with women? Are you measuring them up --- comparing them to your late wife? If you are, you may need to give yourself more time before you get involved in a potentially serious relationship.

I wish you all the best in this new season of your life.

Very nice and thoughtful post, Victoria.

@BlueWave I appreciate your comment. Thank you.

2

Damn man... I'm sorry for your loss.
I can only imagine how much pain you must be in. Especially with the 2 of you having so much in common.

Is it worth it?
Well... That depends on you.
You have to decide on whether you want to move on and try to find happiness again.
But, in my opinion. If I was in your situation. I would try. Being in misery has no benefits. It's unhealthy both physically and mentally.

2

I'm terribly sorry about your wife's passing. I've never been married, so I can only sympathize, but I'd say don't force anything and don't resist anything. If you don't feel ready, let yourself continue the grieving process; and if you feel a connection with someone new, be open to where that takes you. Best of luck to you, wherever life leads.

2

First, my sympathy on the loss of your wife. I have had many changes and grief in my life, but not the death of a close loved one. As we move through our lives, we can't go back to the places we have been, such as the unique relationship with your partner or the carefree single life that you had before. I would not try to go back, but think of how you want your life to take shape as you go forward. Do you have many friends or activities that give you satisfaction? They say the people who have a social circle and meaningful activities, such as volunteering, live longer and more joyful lives. Don't focus too narrowly on finding sex partners or looking for a new partner. What are those other interests that you and your wife shared, or that you may have now apart from those interests in particular? I hope this helps.

2

From the sound of it, you weren't "trying" when you met your wife. I'd say, stick with what worked the first time.

Sorry for your loss though.

2

I can't speak to your loss, which I can't imagine.

But I can speak about starting again. My breakup w/ my ex was traumatic in a vastly smaller way. It hurt enough that I didn't want to date again. But I asked out women anyway, "as if," "fak[ing] it till you make it." I'd had a long dry spell a decade before -- also not as traumatic as those of others here, per [agnostic.com] -- and I realized that if I was going to find someone again, that I would NOT want to have wasted any more time. I'm glad I pushed ahead. I was actually lucky enough to start dating my now spouse a little over two months after my breakup.

I can imagine the first women you meet probably not enjoying realizing they're dealing with someone who's been bereaved, unless it's happened to them too. But that's not your problem. And the more people you DO try meeting, the more new things you'll discover about them, about relating to someone new, and maybe even about yourself.

Finally, from at least where I stand . . . you're not that old!

2

Keep trying - it has to be worth it. I've been single all my life and envy those that have found love, even if lost. Keep trying....

0

Carry on I would say. I found greater than I had, had. That was my experience.

0

Thank you for all your comments...am an old fart now....don't know if I could do the dating game.....have went onto dating sites and yes I do compare everyone to my late wife...thought this was normal....maybe need to wait that little bit more to get my shit together....but thank you all for the comments....

0

It is always worth it... until your last breath... simply think what you think she wanted you to do.

0

I am truly sorry for your loss. It sounds like you had met a lifelong soulmate which you have lost through no reason of your own - very different from a divorce or separation.

The hardest part to finding a new long term partner will be the natural tendency to compare them with your wife. You will never (and should never try) to replace her.
Any new relationship you make will be different. Look to your new partner's qualities in isolation. Are they qualities you want in a partner? Do you laugh together? Do you enjoy the same things? Can you put up with the imperfections?* Can she put up with yours? Every relationship is different.

A year isn't long enough to grieve properly. Don't rush, take your time. It may come and it may not. I wish you well in your future relationships and hope you find contentment either way.

*by imperfections I refer to the little things that irritate - we are all perfect in our own way!

0

Is it worth it to be lonely. Scared. What would your late wife think of this? If you feel comfortable and strong enough to try again, by all means trust your heart. It sounds like it did you right last time

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:22256
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.