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Ladies, would you be willing to help me out with a conundrum?

I met someone through a mutual friend last week. We really hit it off and I, unexpectedly, asked her out on a date. She said yes, but we both agreed to hang out and get to know eachother better first. I know she finds me attractive, but she told me something a couple of days ago that I found to be interesting, and a little confusing. She told me that my intelligence intimidates her.

She's very smart, which is why I was confused and intreagued by her comment. I asked her why she is intimidated by my intillect, but she couldn't really answer. She did say she found it attractive though. We share political beliefs, and she's agnostic, so we line up well in that sense and I don't see us clashing on these subjects. My question is why would a very smart person like her be intimidated by intelligence? Thanks in advance for any advice or thoughts.

jayneonacobb 7 Feb 13
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20 comments

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2

My guess, brah, is that she's insecure with her own intelligence, and you apparently are not, so this is intimidating for her. Childhood baggage is my first thought on this scenario. One possibility is she was berated about her brains when young, so she didn't grow up feeling secure about how smart she is.

1

This just seems strange to me. I have a high IQ, and hang out in some high IQ groups, and it actually seems fairly common (both according to member experiences and some published surveys) that it is the men who tend to get intimidated by smarter women. Some overtly so, others may think they want a smarter woman, but while they may be impressed with smart women, do not tend to be able to keep a romantic interest.

Well, I can't speak for those men, but for me, I rarely get involved with people who do not poses a similar level of intelligence. I know what you're saying though, it confused me as well, hence the post. Thank you for your insight!

1

she's stroking your ego

0

It's a natural evolutionary reaction to a potential red flag.

Creative people with high IQs are usually androgyne, or mixed gender. Studies showed that the more close to the end of the gender scale on the male side, or "macho" a man or "femme" a woman, the higher the reproduction success.

Studies showing average IQ scores formed a Bell Curve on the gender chart, moving upward as the slider moves toward the gender "middle" of the chart (androgyne), declining toward the other side (trans).

So, tying the two statistics together..increasing androgyny usually equals higher IQ, and people closer to the extreme end of their bio gender on the gender chart-the most macho men or femme women- have the highest reproduction success, the woman was instinctively skipping the drama that usually ensues from high IQ romances.

Most writers, movie stars, directors, writers, etc. are high IQ people, and usually reproduce only accidentally, with a series of relationships.

1

I cannot claim personal experience in being intimidated by anothers intellect. A guess would be she may worry you will quickly become bored with her conversation.
Good luck!

Thanks for the reply!

1

My last 2 exes were dumb. I wonder if I would feel the same way if I dated someone smarter than me? Would he get frustrated at what I don't know, and leave because I don't challenge him in a conversation enough? That is how I see it as, coming from a woman's perspective.

Good insight, thank you. I am not smarter than her, not by a long shot. The things that made me ask her out were her intillect and personality.

She must think you have more intellect.

1

I can relate to her, actually. When I am dating a man who is very intelligent, in the back of my mind I worry that if I am not able to be as intellectually stimulating to him as he is to me, he will get bored. Let her know her intellect revs your mojo (if it does).

Thanks for the reply. I'm definitely the brains over beauty type. Lucky for me I don't have to compromise on either in this case.

2

When you are used to being the smartest person in the room or in a relationship, it's a shock to your system to meet someone as or more intelligent than you are. She may grow to appreciate it more and realize you two could make a good team, or not... Good luck!

Thanks!

2

Play dumb.

godef Level 7 Feb 13, 2018

Haha, what do you mean "play"?

This made me laugh.

1

Coming from a woman there’s no telling what she meant by her comment as women are kind of unpredictable.

3

Is she quiet? How long have you been hanging out with her? Are you sure she's all that bright?

I just got over a crush I had on someone I'd been talking to (online) for a year. I was broken-hearted for a couple weeks. Then, by random chance, I saw the gaps in his knowledge and the limits of his intellect in a professional setting. It took me a year of almost daily conversations to realize how much smarter I am than he is.

The spell was instantly broken.

I have come to understand that quiet people are dangerous. At least, they're dangerous to me. My mind will project whatever it desires onto a quiet man.

She's not quiet. We've known another for over a year, but just started hanging out a week ago. We were set up by my best female friend who is super critical of all my past relationships. If she wasn't smart, I wouldn't be talking to her.

@jayneonacobb Good luck. 🙂

6

only she would know

You're probably right. I guess my curiosity has gotten the best of me.

@jayneonacobb people gave you some good ideas but I would just ask her. It might be a process, not a one paragraph answer. she might have to think about it

@btroje I have, the only answer I got was that she thinks she's not used to someone like me. I don't think that's a bad thing, I just want her to be comfortable around me. I can't control how she perceives me, but I want to understand why she does. I have never had someone tell me that my intelligence intimidated them before, and I found it odd.

6

She's probably just insecure about her own intelligence. Or she may be accustomed to being the smartest person in the relationship and is unsure how to be with someone of equal intelligence.

2

Perhaps it is not your intelligence, but the way you present it. Perhaps you are intense, or aggressive (to her), etc.

I'm pretty relaxed IRL, but that's a good point. I hadn't thought of that. Thanks for the insight.

2

She might not want to disappoint you.

This is what I was thinking 🙂

What a nice sentiment.

5

Imposter syndrome. Try to ignore it; don't feed it. She thinks you're smarter than her and won't like her when you finally figure it out. It could be anything from a slight, negligible concern of hers to a raging, universally-sabotaging insecurity. She's either secure enough to be open about her weaknesses or she's fishing for validation; possibly both. In any case, don't add fuel. If she can't get the message about how much you like whatever it is you appreciate about her, run away. If she constantly mewls for validation, run away. Good luck.

Thanks for the reply that actually helps. She definitely doesn't need validation. I like smart, confident women. If she was insecure I wouldn't be interested. I'll take it as a plus, all things considered.

8

Go out with her, spend some time together and find out.

8

And my question is - why even make an issue out of this before you've barely begun ?

Why not just relax, go with the flow, and see how you both feel hanging out together ?

I don't think of it as an issue, just a curiosity. I enjoy talking with her and don't have any reservations. I just want to make sure that she is comfortable as we get to know eachother better.

@jayneonacobb Uh - I don't think of it as an issue at all , but I wasn't the author of the post. Good luck !

@evergreen i know what youre saying though. Thanks for taking the time to respond. 🙂

7

Why not show how smart and patient you are and let things develop naturally.

10

It's possible she has unacknowledged insecurities about her own intelligence.
Tread lightly, and good luck!

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