My family disowned me basically because I became an atheist. Only my uncle in CA and aunt here in CO like me.

Because I'm so "smart", and "talented", and "kind", I could be the picture-perfect darling of whom everyone is so proud.

Because I'm so unconventional, independent, and contrarian, everyone clucks their tongues and throws their hands up in frustration when I refuse to fulfill their expectations and play along with society's games.

The cognitive dissonance is head-exploding. And hilarious.

I certainly feel that way with family. I have never been very close to anyone in my family both immediate and extended, and the rift has only widened with time for one reason or another. My parents as far as I am concerned are only parents in the biological extent and law. As far as being actual parents, they never quite did that to any real degree without some hitch. Always came off as some "disappointment" to them, which is only exacerbated by me being the youngest of their two kids. Oh yes, the good old sibling comparisons between me and my older brother.

Now I'm not gonna pretend I was always some good and upstanding kid, I did have an attitude with my parents from time to time when they would be overbearing. But I grew up simply wanting to be left alone after so much pointless conflict over whatever minor thing I may have done that kids do. I keep my interactions short with them, because extended time around them is insufferable due to a complete disconnect between us. I don't have anything real in common with them or many other family, and there is always a feeling of contempt in the air. Just their constant efforts to patronize me at every turn has made me all together disown them because they just failed to be family in any meaningful way, only parent by necessity. I learned all that I know through my own efforts, they didn't help at all and only have ever been some negative force in my life.

My brother is 8 years older than me, so there is a big disconnect there as well. He was a little more affectionate and brotherly so to speak when I was younger, but as I grew up that seemed to fade. He's not a bad person, I don't dislike him at all, but I don't really miss him or have any deep emotions for him. He grew up, he has a life of his own, entering the adult world long before me, and so we are more or less from different worlds. He has helped me in the past and for that I am thankful, but the familial connection just isn't there. So we share very little in common, and interactions are sparse because there's little to engage on. Now the thing that puts a smudge on his record was his rather defeatist attitude with my parents. The times I'd get in arguments with family and I KNOW I am right, calling them out of BS, he would just be there to throw his hands in the air and say "just give it up, no use in arguing with them". I don't tolerate BS, and when he should know better I should expect him to not just roll over and take the punishment as well.

As for my extended family, I have no real ill will to any of them. They're fine folks, nice people who you could get along with, but they may as well just be people I know. Although I sometimes felt their politeness towards me was just general courtesy and nothing more. I can get a feel of them quite easily, and I can certainly feel an air of disinterest with them. See them less and less as life goes on, and I don't have much to do with them. I'm sure some of us have common ground in things, but that can be hard to know when there is a feeling of them not wanting to have anything to do with me.

So yes, black sheep for sure. But over time I have just accepted it for what it is, and those that actually do care about me will stick around. I don't need the facade of family, take that poser crap and sod off. I'm more appreciative of those with genuine care and interest for me than any arbitrary blood ties.

I'm a blue collar atheist... I'm the weirdest you can get.

BY MY CHOICE - Your parents do not make you. Your posts have always been thoughtful and respectful. You have a keen sense of humor. I know this about you, and have never met you. If your parents can't see this, then as Fleetwood Mac said "Go Your Own Way". It hurts, it hurts alot, but it is better than being berated, ignored or abused.

Yeah, it was that way in my family. I was born three months after my older brother, and my parents resented me, especially my dad, who never missed an opportunity to let me know how much I cost him, and if I had been given any money gifts, why I should give it to him.

I was the one blamed and whipped if anything was amiss; messy rooms, whatever, even if I had been spending the night with a friend when it happened. But my brothers could do anything and they were golden. My two younger sisters were largely ignored.

Solution: use behaviorism techniques to teach them how to treat you. This will work relatively quickly on anyone, even animals.

1. when the target person is treating you in a kind, loving manner, or doing anything you approve, pay attention to him. Smile, make eye contact, give positive reinforcement.

2. The instant the target person starts to behave in a negative manner, withdraw by seeming vaguely distracted, murmur, "Um, hum" in a disinterested manner.

3. If the negative behavior continues, move further away, or wander out of the room. If the behavior is really bad, look at your watch, say something like, "Look at the time! I have to run, now, but it's been great! Later!" Then leave. Drive off. Or if you are living in the same house, go to the mall or something.

It won't take long before the bad behavior will stop.
But if they never contact you, then never contact them either or even mention them when talking to others. Don't look at their social media or "like" their posts either.
Just vanish from their lives. If they want to see you, they'll have to come to you.
That's because stonewalling is THEIR way of punishing you for not being the child they'd hoped for, but they never thought they'd suffer the same fate, so should eventually ask about you.

If so, continue to ignore them and be happy and busy in your life until they themselves come to you and start behaving in pleasing ways, thus triggering the smiles and attention.

This usually works within a week.

I'm the outcast in my family. And that's not necessarily because of my atheism.
But since I come from a family of losers, that's a positive. They have done NOTHING for me(mother, father, 12 siblings, grandparents)
I have attained so much since I disowned them. They, on the other hand, expected, and demanded that I become a complete LOSER. GOOD RIDDANCE!!!

I have two brothers who haven't spoke to me since my Mom passed away 30 yrs ago. They laughed at me all of their lives because I could always do for myself and never cried about anything. They also have a great distaste for each other and I was foolish enough to think I could do something about it. The Greeks teach that if you try and intervene between a dispute that you will become the victim. People do not like people who they know are better and smarter than they are. They have put you on the field to see which side your going to side with and by ignoring you they are forcing your discomfort which they want.
I walked away from my brothers and never sided with either because I was stronger than they realized and they were sure that I was going to make a choice and that cost them both dearly because now all they have is each other which was never going to change. You have to realize that this has absolutely nothing to do with you but them and it is their loss. Don't torture yourself with this childish ploy. When they see that it annoys you is what they want to see. Someone who is as miserable as they are. You have turned out to be everything that they could never be and are jealous about your self esteem and certainty to do it on your own.
Keep your head out of the shaft and worry about numero uno. Keep doing what your great at and thats making yourself shine and accomplished.

I think the actions/moves I've taken in my life have been semi-intentional To take me away from my birth family. Enlisted in the Marines right out of high school, moved in with 2 diff. uncles before I even graduated high school.. I look at it, like, my mother had her life (which I wasn't quite a primary focus of) so I went off to get my own life, too.. not that there wasn't any love, just maximum independence, like I have with my (somehow still living) deadbeat, drunken-excuse of a dad

Don't feel like the lone ranger. rejecting the rest of the family's religious beliefs is a challenge
in most families. eventually they will figure out that indeed you have not gone to the dogs or
the devil and will treat you respectfully.

I had that sort of experience too my brother was the golden boy - I think the only trick I found that worked was to get out from all that hideousness and make your own way learn how to give love to yourself and treat yourself well if you don't others won't either - I put that family in the bin for as long as it takes you to get your head straight - Get out whilst you can there are people out there full of love to spare,

Outcast would be too strong, but out of sync, yes, on a different wavelength, certainly, out of tune with the family melody, no doubt, outside the circle, oh yes. Does it worry me? Not a jot!

Emerald, listen hard to Lewellyn3 !! She speaks the absolute truth. You're a beautiful, important young lady. In the words from "The Help" always remember that you are good, you are kind, and you are important! I went through a very similar childhood to the two of you. I grew up in the early part of my formative years being utterly convinced that there was something wrong with me. This was deliberately instilled in me by my parents. It was a never-ending barrage of psychological attacks.You should be proud of yourself that you recognized it and broke free at such an early age. I was twelve before I finally started to recognize that I wasn't the problem. By 15 I was on to them completely and often spoke the truth to them and they retaliated horrifically. Despite this I never stopped speaking the truth. This is what they feared the most. They were afraid that I might speak up about the other dark things that were going on within the family. Despite this I tried for many years to keep relations open with my parents. I wanted my children to have a relationship with their grandparents among other ridiculous reasons. In the end it took me until I was almost fifty until I divorced my parents. I should have done it much sooner. In the end it cost me my relationships with my children and several other relations, and cost me my marriage as well. What is truly sad is that I probably would have still been trying to keep the peace with my parents to this day if it hadn't been for what they did to my brother. I was more devastated by what they did to him than by what they were constantly doing to me.
In the end my brother and I confronted them with their evilness in some letters to which they responded by trying to sue me and by bad-mouthing my brother all over the area. It was a difficult decision but we took the advice from some very good books on the subject and established a firm policy of non-engagement with them and the entire rest of the family because the rest of the family supported our parents despite the fact that I've heard every one of them complain about the very same types of abuses that my brother and I had complained about.
A very good book on the subject that I suggest you read is titled "Toxic Parents" It can really help you sort out a lot of the issues surrounding the circumstances of development. I could tell you a lot more that might help you get through your dilemma, but this response is probably too long already.
Just remember: they were the parents, they were the adults, it was their responsibility to love you and nurture you. You were just a child, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!

Emerald, what a BEAUTIFUL young lady you are!!!! I saw your pics and was blown away! Do you mind me asking if there's a parent with any kind of substance abuse? Any sexual molestation? Because that was my case. My grandfather sexually abused me, and when I tried to tell on him, the entire family labeled me a lying, mentally ill outcast. For years, I wondered what I did wrong! So many times I'd ask my parents why they couldn't love me. My dad finally admitted to me before he died that he tried but just couldn't. I finally found a wonderful psychiatrist and figured out why they couldn't. I was the Truth Teller. They wanted the secret kept and I was a hot potato that could blab it to someone outside of the family any time. The abuse stopped when he died and I was 12. And my family, who KNEW what he's been doing for years, had the toxicity to ask me to sing at his funeral, and I was so beaten that I DID!! I was th scapegoat in the family, sent out into wilderness to atone for their sins. That way, no one had to face or discuss the horrors I endured.

Listen to me Emerald, and listen to me good: YOU ARENT THE PROBLEM!!! THEY ARE! They need you around to blame and mistreat, so that they don't have to work on their own f'in hot mess! "What are we gonna do about Emerald? She's so strange! She's such a worry!" That is how they can avoid facing the demons in their own heads! Search your family for any psychological problems, school, jobs, whatever. You'll find their sickness they're trying to hide and deny.

My advice to you is to remove yourself from them. Don't talk to them. Don't jump over an ocean for someone who won't even walk through a mud puddle for you. Stop making them so important when they only consider you an after thought!!! And find friends you can rely on. Make your own family! That's what I did, and I'm so much happier! I married 30 yrs ago and we became first-time parents in our 50 s. Its been the best part of my life! I will never go back. They still have the nerve to ask me to every family reunion each year, even though I'm not invited to weddings or told of deaths in the family! Some my girls came home, they've really been nosy and want me to attend the family reunion. I refuse, telling them that my "entertainment fee" is too expensive for them to pay! (Because, lets face it - that's the only reason they invite me - hoping something will erupt and they can talk about "poor, crazy Patti" for a few months!

Emerald, you don't deserve that sort of treatment, so don't let them give it to you! Change your number. Find friends who will see the light in your eyes and will love you for you. It will feel weird at first, but hang in there, and you'll prevail!!

If you want to talk to someone about this, message me any time. My family put me through the ringer for over 40 yrs before I escaped. Its brainwashing. Take care, and remember, you have some good people here to be your friends. Please don't let those people control your heart any more! You are worth far more!!! They don't deserve you!!!

we cannot control what other people do or think, be loyal and honest with the people you care about and that are honest and loyal to you, you will not find many people to meet that requirement in your life. We all have passed family that we have separated from I guess that's normal way of life and I feel real bad about that myself. Just because can do what's right and honest and continue to be independent, your not wrong.

Don't be sorry my love. you can't choose family after all. apart from my mother, I'm very much alone as far as the family go and its there choice, not mine. I've been through the heartache your going threw now and tried many times to change things with the same result. I struggled in life trying to fit in too but I just don't. in fact, I don't want to. I'm done with it and this is all without any religion at all, fuck the lot of them. I can't even get the horse to the water and I'm sick of trying. if you want the wisdom of someone who has been where you are id say move on.

Yes IAM the black sheep of my family. I try to make peace with them and forget the past but it's seem to that do want to make peace. Oh well I'll be fine without them

Being the ONLY atheist among my family and friends: Yes, I tend to feel outcast-ish.

Yes and I was the barn burner for many others amoung my 62 cousins. Married outside of Catholicism, move to a different state. educated by my wife via hardship instead of taking a dead end job. I have been very happy with the decisions I have made and in many cases not that I am counting I am extremely happy.

Just because you are related to them means Nothing! Move on and form a new f as mikh of people who love you & accept you as you are!

Hi Emerarld, I’m very sorry you feel this way. I have a similar issue but not towards my immediate family. I know how you feel and I understand. I guarantee you that it’s not your fault and maybe expressing your feeling to your family will help. If your mother was a very young parent that may have something to do with it.

I was lucky to be born in an Atheist family....and in particular one that won't have outcast-ed any of us in the case we wished to become believers

No need to apologize! We're here to listen. And yeah. Mines not like anger or ignoring me but its just condescending "bless your heart" pity. Which I hate more than just anger

Yes but then I left home at fifteen, later my mother was phoning me to tell me how good it was without me so it was really easy to stay away - I think I have met the most beautiful people in all my wanderings and feel really good abut that as for the concept of family - nah! stuff it! i don't think its good for anyone to elect to be the family scapegoat because it takes away the capacity of the family to understand its own dynamics. Whilst thy bale you they aren't looking at themselves.

Yes but then I left home at fifteen, later my mother was phoning me to tell me how good it was without me so it was really easy to stay away - I think I have met the most beautiful people in all my wanderings and feel really good abut that as for the concept of family - nah! stuff it! i don't think its good for anyone to elect to be the family scapegoat because it takes away the capacity of the family to understand its own dynamics. Whilst thy bale you they aren't looking at themselves.