17 9

How would you like to repeatedly get the same canned message?

Fitness Singles: "You have a new message."

Me (excitedly): "Oh boy!" checks message

Groaning "Not AGAIN."

Today on Fitness Singles I replied to a man with no photo:

"Not interested.

"Without visible photos or a decent profile, you are dead in the water. Online dating is a visual, written medium.

"PLEASE write personal messages to women, instead of falling back on lazy, canned interest messages. How would you like to get 10 of the same, boring, canned message each week? Yawn.

I'm interested in learning more about you. Let's chat.
I'm interested in learning more about you. Let's chat.
I'm interested in learning more about you. Let's chat.
I'm interested in learning more about you. Let's chat.
I'm interested in learning more about you. Let's chat.
I'm interested in learning more about you. Let's chat.

"With online dating- as with life- the effort you make is equal to the results you get.

"Finally, ending messages with your first name is personable and good manners.

"You're welcome.

"Kathleen"

Your thoughts?

By LiterateHiker8
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17 comments

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1

It’s preferable to spam.

RodLisht Level 4 Jan 11, 2019
1

Back in the day when I tried Match.com, there was this guy whom I chatted with a few times that obviously had this long, rehearsed manifesto ready to copy and paste (he had some overlapping lines of text between different messages). It was annoying, but I decided to overlook it (I was desperate, long story). I wish I hadn't met him in person... To say he was socially inept is putting it nicely. Never again!

Kat Level 5 Jan 9, 2019
1

That's 8 more words than I get in the canned messages. They consist of "hi". Needless to say I don't answer.

ladyprof70 Level 7 Jan 7, 2019
3

I ignore the canned messages as well. If I can take the time to write a thoughtful message, I expect others can do the same. I just wish the response rate was higher for my messages. The attached image is the first part of a woman's profile that I saw today. It explains what will disqualify any potential suitors, and comprises almost half of her entire profile.

ATDayHiker Level 7 Jan 7, 2019

@ATDayHiker

That's too negative. I wrote in my profile:

"I'm seeking an athletic, intelligent man with a great sense of humor who treats me with respect and kindness. Shared recreational activities are a bonding experience for couples. That's why I want a man who also loves hiking, and only shoots with a camera.

"Although I'm a great cook, I'm not willing to do all of the meal planning, preparation and cooking. Everyone loves the magic words: "Dinner is served."

I wrote what I want, instead of: NO alcoholics, drug addicts, obese, smoker, tobacco-user, sedentary, critical, married, mean, commitment-phobic, unkempt, bad teeth, just wants sex, uneducated, Republican, sexual pervert, conservative Christian, etc.

Edited

Yeah, she goes way overboard on being too critical of others. No way in hell I would message her even if she looked like Susan Sarandon, one of my longtime crushes. Doubt she's getting many messages.

@LiterateHiker I wish there were more like you on this side of the country. My search would be over.

@ATDayHiker

Thank you. What a nice thing to say. Hugs, Kathleen

1

I've gotten a lot of these on various sites. Sometimes I think it's like the spammers who send mass emails thinking maybe at least one will stick. What am I saying, sometimes -- I mean all the time. And then I've played their hand by answering with, "so, tell me about yourself" -- crickets.

bleurowz Level 8 Jan 7, 2019

@bleurowz

Good idea: "So, tell me about yourself."

"Crickets" was hilarious!

Edited
2

Just take it as a filter, if that's all they can come up with they're probably not right for you.

Dhiltong Level 7 Jan 7, 2019
1

I agree with you. The opening message should be a whole paragraph and mention something that confirms they actually read your profile. The problem with some women I've run across on Match is that they really don't have much personal info in their profile essays or what they do have is all cliche stuff, ie. " I feel honest communication/chemistry/family/ is/are really important..." How do you comment on that without sounding insincere or offending them?

My opening messages contain the following elements in a short paragraph: Hi_
I noticed/liked __
in your profile. We seem to both like___ as well as have# of common interests. Please see my profile and message me if interested. Thanks, Tom

Considering that I send out a couple dozen of these a month and rarely get a response, I don't put that much time or effort into them. But using this method doesn't take much of either anyway.

The opening message, as long as it has these elements in it, is not that important in whether you get a response from the woman, so it's not worth sweating over. What really matters is the profile essay and your pics. Those are what women use to decide whether to reject you or accept you for replying to for further study on their part.

When I really think it thru, the most important thing for a man on a site like Match is their main profile photo, because if a woman is getting 100 messages a week from different men, as I've heard that some do, the pic determines if the woman even bothers to view your profile in the first place.

TomMcGiverin Level 7 Jan 7, 2019
2

This made me laugh out loud! So funny! It may be nerves that make that happen! Thanks for lightening up my day. First day back at school since the holidays and it is always rough.

GreatNani Level 8 Jan 7, 2019

@GreatNani

Glad you saw the humor. I thought it was funny to repeat:

"I'm interested in learning more about you. Let's chat."

This shows my inbox and drives home the point.

"You're welcome" was cheerfully sarcastic and funny. I have a wicked sense of humor.

Edited
3

Opening a line with someone I don't know but would like to get to know can be fraught with pitfalls. Yes, definitely, add to one's profile but be careful in soliciting information from the other. There is a tricky balance with showing interest and yet not prying, too quickly, into personal territory. Done that and been there.

lol one woman who seemed interesting to me took offense when I mentioned I had never been with a blond before. She was convinced I did not like blonds and would not accept any other explanation.

JackPedigo Level 8 Jan 7, 2019
2

I'm fine with it.

In addition, could we get a listing of approved openers?

maturin1919 Level 8 Jan 7, 2019
2

Hey baby, wanna engage in some aerobic activity together?
Hey baby, wanna engage in some aerobic activity together?
Hey baby, wanna engage in some aerobic activity together?
Hey baby, wanna engage in some aerobic activity together?

Is this working?

Sgt_Spanky Level 7 Jan 7, 2019

Sgt_Spanky

Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh.

3

I'm interested in learning more about you. Let's chat

GuyKeith Level 8 Jan 7, 2019
1

Hope they at least have a block function that you can immediately weed out those yahoos...you deserve more quality and respectful dialog than that...ugh...

thinktwice Level 8 Jan 7, 2019

@thinktwice

Yes, there is a block on Fitness Singles. I didn't block him because I want to know if he thanks me for my advice. Sometimes men do.

Edited

@LiterateHiker I wouldn't hold out hope for that...ha ha...

3

It's astounding how clueless many people are (and not just men) about such matters. They have a tendency to regard a dating site as a candy machine -- put in a quarter and out comes a date. Like it absolves them of needing to be presentable and interesting.

As a non-dater the thing I'm tired of is the number of new sign-ups that make their first post (often in the wrong forum) along the lines of "Hoping to find a kindred spirit here" without defining what that means to them. And then invariably, they have either no profile or a perfunctory one, either no photo or one that you can tell was carefully curated and somehow not representative as it conceals their humanity and presents them as the insecure mannequin that they are. Even my present wife was guilty of this a bit, the first pic she sent to me was of her 40 year old self, from 10 years prior. Fortunately she's so gorgeous in an age-appropriate way that it was only subtly misleading, not fundamentally. And could be forgiven as such, given the unreasonable pressures on women in general.

Certainly in your shoes I'd want to feel that a person communicating with me had selected me specifically for some plausible reason, and that I'm not just part of some more general dragnet. So ... I feel your annoyance.

mordant Level 8 Jan 7, 2019
3

I have 2 unopened messages on Fitness Singles, due to stopping my subscription - there’s too few members nearby to make it seem worthwhile.
Now, the cost of looking at those messages seems insanely expensive.

I can see where the canned messages would be annoying, but unless there’s something in your profile that really inspires a detailed message, are they any worse than a “Hey how are you?”
Even with the safety of the keyboard in front of you, there’s still a bit anxiety/awkwardness in online dating.

Haemish1 Level 7 Jan 7, 2019
2

You are spot-on. On a site like Match, where there are questions and plenty of space to write, lack of a narrative is always (in my experience) an indicator of lesser intellect, in which case I am not interested. And yes, you would expect the courtesy of reading your profile and thoughtfully commenting on it.

Not all is lost. These are the ones you can immediately dismiss.

Mitch07102 Level 7 Jan 7, 2019

@Mitch07102

Thank you, Mitch. I appreciate your thoughtful reply.

Edited
2

I agree with you. Match.com offers up “openers” based on”common interests”. It’s lame. Can spot them a Mile away. If a person is too lazy to type in their own opener - I’m not interested.

Santanaman9 Level 6 Jan 7, 2019
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